#1
This is months old. Just found it. Kind of like it. What do you think of it?

"Sonatina"

The men came and felled my sycamore tree
Dangerous it was, truth told, rotten to the core
I realized I had never known it alive,
And assented to its demise. God has forgiven worse.

I watched the terrible deed from my bedroom window.
Never seen a tree hanged from a man-machine,
Never seen the perversion of the already perverted.
Reverse noose. Natural fruit. I know God has forgiven worse.

I sat on its stump splay-legg'd feet resting on their sides
Smoked cigarette, ashed in the dead-leaf strata
Wisps floated up toward gravity
The sun is in cancer. I think God has forgiven worse.
#2
I really like the way the last phrase changes. I think your metaphor is really strong and the message comes across really clearly, with the exception of the line "The sun is a cancer." I'm not sure what that was supposed to mean for the tree. Other than that, I think you need to cut back on some of the poetic language. "Felled" is a boring verb that makes me think of Biblical battles, not a guy in a wifebeater with tribal tattoos working some chainsaw in your backyard. The writing is strong enough that you don't need the fancy language, it just bogs it down.

Rock On
Newest Lyrics:
[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

Short Stories:
Anniversary
#3
Quote by *Truly Ninja*
This is months old. Just found it. Kind of like it. What do you think of it?

"Sonatina"

The men came and felled my sycamore tree
Dangerous it was, truth told, rotten to the core
I realized I had never known it alive,
And assented to its demise. God has forgiven worse.

Other than the underlined, I love it. "Felled" just seems out of place.

I watched the terrible deed from my bedroom window.
Never seen a tree hanged from a man-machine,
Never seen the perversion of the already perverted.
Reverse noose. Natural fruit. I know God has forgiven worse.

Beautiful. Simply beautiful.

I sat on its stump splay-legg'd feet resting on their sides
Smoked cigarette, ashed in the dead-leaf strata
Wisps floated up toward gravity
The sun is in cancer. I think God has forgiven worse.

Kind of confusing. Didn't really understand this stanza.


C4C? Link to Untitled is in my sig.
My guitar modification blog.
Quote by MuffinMan
Jesus was all like "To those about to rock, I salute you." then he grabbed his mighty axe and rocked the Romans out really hard. Of course they were strict classical music so....
#4
The men came and felled my sycamore tree
Dangerous it was, truth told, rotten to the core
I realized I had never known it alive,
And assented to its demise. God has forgiven worse.

Personally I liked the use of "felled". I love the last two lines. Especially the third. It's idea is so simple, yet not many people would have thought to put it into poetry.

I watched the terrible deed from my bedroom window.
Never seen a tree hanged from a man-machine,
Never seen the perversion of the already perverted.
Reverse noose. Natural fruit. I know God has forgiven worse.

Second line here feels like it needs to start with an "I'd". Since it would be the beginning of a sentence it would just feel more natural. Rhyming in the last line is ace.

I sat on its stump splay-legg'd feet resting on their sides
Smoked cigarette, ashed in the dead-leaf strata
Wisps floated up toward gravity
The sun is in cancer. I think God has forgiven worse.

I'd put a comma after "legg'd". It feels like it needs a slight pause there. No other complaints.

I thought this was pretty cool. Good idea behind it. Nice work.
#5

This is actually really really good. It's easy to relate to, and forms a quite interesting structure, the repetition, slightly distant mood, the resolve back to a more physical scene at the end, one we would all know, are all things that give this that little bit extra. I like it.




love is a dog from hell.