#1
Well, it's been a really long time since I wrote anything down, and I was having a particularly bad day today so i decided to write something new. crit for crit as always, leave your song link or tell me which one to search. thanks everyone.

Edit: edited thanks to all the great help I have received so far. thanks guys. how's it look now?

My Passions, My Bruises.

face down on the sidewalk
my dreams around my sides
laid out by a sucker punch
and left alone to die

ocean bites and sand stings
all my cuts and bruises
sun burns and night blinds
you've shattered all my muses

fighting on through yesterday
and i cant find the words to say
tomorrow's gone and my future's dead
what do I hold dear?

sticks and stones and cinder blocks
your words break down my wall
the highest ledge, I'm off the edge
and now I'm starting the fall

fighting on through yesterday
and i cant find the words to say
tomorrow's gone and the future's dead
what do I hold dear?

fire's dying and shadows creep
my guitar's putting me to sleep
note and tune dance around for me
why's it all so unclear?

one more bump and one more bruise
a thorn stuck in my side
one more pill to kill the ache
I'll take it all in stride

the great divide
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



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Last edited by DrkNTwstd at Oct 1, 2007,
#3
haha. thanks man. i was thinking more of an acoustic kind of thing, but if i knew anything about hardcore i would most definitely write a hardcore riff for it
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



myspace.

my band

~We Rock Out With Our Cocks Out!: UG Naked Club.~


Member of the USA LAUGAM HIT SQUAD
#4
While I'm not a big fan of songs in which the narrator constantly talks about how much pain he is in, I think you pulled it off very well. The piece was nver overly dramatic and was at times, kind of humorous. "Laid out by a sucker punch" and "Sticks and Stones and Cinder blocks/ Your words breakdown my wall" are awesome lines. Howver, I think you should work on the chorus. It just seems kind of generic to me. I suggest that you give more detail to it. Also the "float out to sea tonight" was kind of corny. Anyways, I'm definitely looking forward to reading more from you

Crit mine please
Torn Calendar
#5
thanks man. i could not agree more. i only used the floating out to sea line because I used the ocean line earlier, but i agree it really doesn't fit well. That shall be changed.
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



myspace.

my band

~We Rock Out With Our Cocks Out!: UG Naked Club.~


Member of the USA LAUGAM HIT SQUAD
#6
Quote by DrkNTwstd
Well, it's been a really long time since I wrote anything down, and I was having a particularly bad day today so i decided to write something new. crit for crit as always, leave your song link or tell me which one to search. thanks everyone.


My Passions, My Bruises.

face down on the sidewalk
my dreams around my sides
laid out by a sucker punch
and left alone to die

I like the way you establish the scene here, and while I like the second line, it seems a bit vague. A bit of subject matter would wrap it up nicely.
ocean bites and sand stings
all my cuts and bruises
sun burns and night blinds
how did I confuse it

Lines 1-3 seem pretty good, but the 4th is a bit out of place. I might work, but I think "confuse" might be the wrong word. If you can find something else to fit the gap, more power to ya, but I'd ditch it otherwise and maybe go with another naturalistic metaphore, make a chorus out of it.

fighting on through yesterday
and i cant find the words to say
tomorrow's gone and the future's dead to me
what do I hold dear?

Like the 1st and 2nd line, but the 3rd seems a bit redundant within itself. And maybe I'm just not getting it, but the last line seems a bit out of place. While it sticks with the whole internal conflict thing, it seems like it deserves a verse of it's own.

sticks and stones and cinder blocks
your words break down my wall
once so high, I'm so high
and now I'm starting the fall

Not too much of a problem with this one. But if the third line is a drug reference, make it appearant. If not, leave it as is, and all's well.

fighting on through yesterday
and i cant find the words to say
tomorrow's gone and the future's dead to me
what do I hold dear?

fire's dying and shadows creep
my guitar's putting me to sleep
notes and tune float out to sea tonight
why's it all so unclear?

Another good verse in my opinion, but I'm just not a huge fan of guitar references within a song (non ad-libbed, that is). I'd say make it more of an overall music thing.

one more bump and one more bruise
another to the list
one more pill to kill the ache
how could I have missed

Another case of "Good 1st-3rd, confusing 4th". Make it coorelate, and I'd say you have a solid song.
------------------------------------------------------------
I like it overall, but I think it might have more potential as a narrative. Turn it into some kind of "night on the town" or "one day after school" kinda thing. However cliched, it's a recipe for a halfway decent song almost every time.
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#7
i have to get off of the computer soon, so ill give you a full crit like you did mine next time im on (probably monday or so...)

but for now,

i like the opening stanza. it gave great imagery and drew attention to the song very well

also, i liked the ananswered questions at the end of the stanzas... good suspense.

good chorus.. i like it alot.

....im not gonna lie though, i read the title and thought it was going to be emo.

not really an emo song though, there definately was pain, but not emo..

all in all, good job, id give it about an 8.5 to 9.5

you are definately a skilled writer.
#9
Quote by DrkNTwstd

kk thanks soooo much for the FULL crit on mine, really apreiciate it. soo i will try to return the favour as much as possible but unforntunatly i have many of the same ideas as krypto but here it goes

face down on the sidewalk
my dreams around my sides
laid out by a sucker punch
and left alone to die

Love thiss, great opening to set the mood, loved the third line, great punch. perfect.

ocean bites and sand stings
all my cuts and bruises
sun burns and night blinds
how did I confuse it

everything up to the last line is good, especially th ethird line, really original, but for some reason(maybe just me) but the word "it" stickes out to be awkward or its just not fitting in, maybe "them" would work, i unno.

fighting on through yesterday
and i cant find the words to say
tomorrow's gone and the future's dead to me
what do I hold dear?

VEry nicely written other then the third line, seems to drag on, but to me would work perfectly if you drop the "to me" and it would still have the meaning and all. ike the fouth line as a question, i think it works well.

sticks and stones and cinder blocks
your words break down my wall
once so high, I'm so high
and now I'm starting the fall

the first line made me laugh because its a great play on the old sticks and stones, works really well, but i really dont like the im so high, and now im falling deal, its kinda overdone and im sure, judgeing by the rest of the peice that you could find something else better to slam in there, (maybe something following the lines of the sticks and stones, thad be cool lol)

fighting on through yesterday
and i cant find the words to say
tomorrow's gone and the future's dead to me
what do I hold dear?

repete

fire's dying and shadows creep
my guitar's putting me to sleep
notes and tune float out to sea tonight
why's it all so unclear?

ho hum, like the imagrayt, dont mind the mention of the guitar, this stanza didint relly grab my attention as much, i unno nothin to comment on it really.

one more bump and one more bruise
another to the list
one more pill to kill the ache
how could I have missed

ahhh back on track, like the first to lines, "add another to the list" sounded real nice and i like that a lot. the pill line worked but the last line is weird. "what is it i've missed?" maybe ... i unno if you like it but.... the last line should usually put it away and be real solid but i didnt really feel like it did it. with a bit of thought you could end it really solid and put a cap on that great stanza.


overall i thought it was really well done, and with a few tweaks it could be an awsome tune. unlike kryptop or w.e i can see it to music really well and wouldnt mind hearing it.
again thanks for the crit on workhorse, its not to often you get a full nicly done crit so i REALY apreciate it, if you dont mind take a look at "a rose in a flame" by me and ill return the favor again by checkin some of you other stuff out, just leave the link.
thanks a million and happy writtin.
#10
My Passions, My Bruises.

face down on the sidewalk
my dreams around my sides
laid out by a sucker punch
and left alone to die

Those last 2 lines I think are really good, painting a picture

ocean bites and sand stings
all my cuts and bruises
sun burns and night blinds
how did I confuse it

Good, I like the 3rd line

fighting on through yesterday
and i cant find the words to say
tomorrow's gone and the future's dead to me
what do I hold dear?

This is great, "the future's dead" I like except, I agree with rage, that the 3rd line would sound better without the "to me" but really good other than that

sticks and stones and cinder blocks
your words break down my wall
once so high, I'm so high
and now I'm starting the fall

I'm liking the "sticks/stones will break my bones" sorta thing, you changed it a little and I like it

fighting on through yesterday
and i cant find the words to say
tomorrow's gone and the future's dead to me
what do I hold dear?

fire's dying and shadows creep
my guitar's putting me to sleep
notes and tune float out to sea tonight
why's it all so unclear?

2nd line creative, and 3rd line also is good

one more bump and one more bruise
another to the list
one more pill to kill the ache
how could I have missed

Once again, good except for the last line, I just think that it doesn't go along with that section, but that's just my opinion, other than that, great


Well, I thought it was very good, alot of positives great job

And if you could, crit mine please?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=682576
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#11
I definately like it, especially if you really did just write this on the fly like you say you did, then thats pretty dang good dude. what i like about your song is the changing of the rhyme scheme, thats something not too many people do. overall, you just have a great way of making things rhyme without forcing anything, its pretty original, and theres alot of metephores and symbolic lines which i really like, it shows you actually put work into your writings. i do like this song alot. if you could, check mine out

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=681879
#12
Quote by DrkNTwstd



My Passions, My Bruises.

face down on the sidewalk
my dreams around my sides
laid out by a sucker punch
and left alone to die

Very good imagery. I like this for an opening, as I'm always a fan of anything that opens up strong but semi-vague. Also, I like how this sort of gives life a persona... as I'm assuming life is the one that kicked your ass in this stanza. PUNCTUATE.


ocean bites and sand stings
all my cuts and bruises
sun burns and night blinds
how did I confuse it

Again, good imagery and use of personification... gives a whole nother texture to the piece beyond its obvious meaning. Very well done. I would recommend "all of my cuts and bruises" as I think it flows a little better, very simple discrepency, as either is correct. Here, I don't like the "it" in the last line. I don't exactly follow what its refering to. Had you used "them" I would extrapolate that you are talking about sun and night... but it is singular and thus can refer to nothing in this stanza, as every noun is plural, save for the pronoun I, which you can't be referring to one word later. Basically... change your pronoun "it" or pick a better more descriptive word.

fighting on through yesterday
and i cant find the words to say
tomorrow's gone and the future's dead to me
what do I hold dear?

Not terrible, but fairly bland compared to your verses. No imagery, and I can't really feel emotion in this. Everything else I've felt anguish, or at least anger... this just sounds like refrain to a Fall Out Boy song (meant to be catchy but doesn't really hold anything). But here, its not really that catchy, because there isn't really a rhyme, or a ring to the lines. Also, PLEASE take out "to me," it flows so much better with out it. Sad to say that this is the weakest part of the piece.

sticks and stones and cinder blocks
your words break down my wall
once so high, I'm so high
and now I'm starting the fall

I'm in love with the first two lines. Fantastic. Not so much the last two. Specifically, number 3. I like the idea, I just don't feel it was executed. Mainly, I don't like the repetition of high, I think you should find another way to express it.

fighting on through yesterday
and i cant find the words to say
tomorrow's gone and the future's dead to me
what do I hold dear?

fire's dying and shadows creep
my guitar's putting me to sleep
notes and tune float out to sea tonight
why's it all so unclear?

Like stated before, dump "float out to sea" it's much too cliche for a piece this original. I do like your second line, mostly because its some thing I relate to. I also like the "notes and tune" so I hope you'll leave that in and find some other way to finish the line. Also, consider changing it to "note and tune" (losing the s on notes) as I think this flows better, but again its up to you.

one more bump and one more bruise
another to the list
one more pill to kill the ache
how could I have missed

Good closing. Only thing I don't like is the semi-cliff hanger ending. I'm not really sure what that is refering to, but in my head the first thing that came to mind (once I decided I wasn't a huge fan) was "out of my clinched fist" but that is cliche and corny... but its and idea. Again though, that last line isn't bad, it just feels out of place adn almost "brightens" the whole stanza because it isn't as much of a downer as the rest of the lines.


Overall, I'm very impressed. 9/10. Specifically for the imagery in your first few verses. Spectacular. clean up the chorus/refrain, PUNCTUATE, and tweak a few lines and this could be 10/10.

peace and coconuts,

-ZC

c4c in sig, Class Reunion
Last edited by ZanasCross at Sep 30, 2007,
#13
wow guys, thanks so much. i definitely see what you guys are saying and will edit it tonight. you guys did a great job. I'll crit yours just as soon as I'm finished.
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



myspace.

my band

~We Rock Out With Our Cocks Out!: UG Naked Club.~


Member of the USA LAUGAM HIT SQUAD