#1

We met twice a week - The Dead Beat Club,
baby bitches addicted to life.
We called it that because it wasn't,
and that's how we lived, fucking away our dollars with ladies of the night.
We lived for kicks,
found them under the boots of the Angels we emulated.
Damn shame we couldn't
get it together,
long enough to realise that in reality,
we were as dead and beat as anyone.
We built race cars,
all smoke and metal and power,
high-lined them to the outside and flipped them over.
We drank, a lot,
and held great parties in the summertime,
dacing into the night
until someone got sick, like they always did.
We ate out, of course,
expensive restaurants and
champagne that cost more than a car,
and it made us feel so damn comfortable.
We wrote books, made movies, painted.
We had the money to do whatever the fuck we wanted,
but it didn't make us happy.
We used to move mountains.
We just couldn't move on.




love is a dog from hell.



Last edited by we have sound at Sep 28, 2007,
#2
We met twice a week - The Dead Beat Club,

baby bitches addicted to life.
We called it that because it wasn't,
and that's how we lived, ****ing away our dollars with ladies of the night.

The overall opening with above stanza was really gr8 . however the "baby bitches" didn't appealed that much to me. I assume that this is a metaphor for some complex charachter
but i didn't get it . it can be me though.


****ing away our dollars with ladies of the night.

really liked this . I think i understand that what u are trying to say and it's really a good way to put it . it's poetic in its own good way. Ladies of the night was a good metaphor and the whole line was really clever . However In the last line .The flow is liitle hampered but it works fine. Overall good job


We lived for kicks,
found them under the boots of the Angels we emulated.
Damn shame we couldn't
get it together,
long enough to realise that really,
we were as dead and beat as anyone.

This whole bit is really indulging but instead of really you should add something like "in reality".it's a personal choice i guess . Other than that . You got really nice metaphors in there.

We built race cars,
all smoke and metal and power,
high-lined them to the outside and flipped them over.

I didn't like the use of "and"second time . Instead just rearrange it like
"all smoke with Metal power" Just a thought. Other than that it's nice but not as good as the above one's


We drank, a lot,
and held great parties in the summertime,
dacing into the night
until someone go sick, like they always did.

Nice it's something that we all can relate too. The changes I have in my mind for this are personal choice's so i'm not gonna mention them

We ate out, of course,
expensive restaurants and
champagne that cost more than a car,
and it made us feel so damn comfortable.
We wrote books, made movies, painted.
We had the money to do whatever the **** we wanted,
but it didn't make us happy.
We moved mountains.
We just couldn't move on.

The ending was little abrupt especially i felt that second last line was little out of place . I mean the idea was good but wasn't represented correctly.

"We used to move mountains"
and one more line after that . The line here should mention some sort of a comparison which u can clearly think of and then the final conclusion like "we couldn't ....whatever". that way i would have enjoyed it more but you're not here to impress me or something


Overall gr8 and in case I said something stupid or offensive srry for that


Andy
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at Sep 29, 2007,
#3
This is also good stuff. Very very good stuff. I love the style. It sort of reminds me of my stuff, more like the other way, but I love it.

until someone go sick, like they always did. <- got?

I might add more later. Or not. It depends of the amount of homework I have to do.
#4

Hi Andy, glad you liked it, and I'm gonna adjust it to some of your suggestions, which is something I hardly ever do, so thank you. Your crit was actually really helpful, not bothering with useless information but telling me where it needed work, and I like that. Let me know if you've any you want me to look at.

And confusius (whats your name, btw?) thanks for the heads up, I fixed the typo. Glad you enjoyed!

CT




love is a dog from hell.



#5
My name is Kyrl. I agree with fixing some things andy points out, he really knows his stuff crit and write wise.
#7
Loved it. Style was refreshing.

I would have liked to see some more ideas and insight pulled out rather than so much a list of the things "we did." I would say that could be something to consider add to the overall impact but I still think this piece was executed well and works just the way you have it.

Peeacee
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#8
" DeadBeat Club" is a B52's song from the album Cosmic Thing
Idlefolk
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