#1
One day,
I became eclipsed,
separated from the world.
It was a void of silence,
counting.

I was overly-obsessed
with Number,
so I forgot her pleasure.

How the hell am I meant to call her now?
I would think to myself…

Right now, it’s irrelevant.
It’s all just an immense
turn-off.
Last edited by confusius at Sep 26, 2007,
#2
Now this is my kind of thing!
Unfortunately I cannot really give it any criticism, but I think a bit of enthusiastic support is often something that's nice. =)
Is that title at all inspired by Sufjan Stevens?
I made you a cookie but I eated it.
#5
Quote by confusius
I take it I should know him...

Don't be sad!
He just has really long song titles, often more title than actual song.

For example: "The Black Hawk War, or, How to Demolish an Entire Civilization and Still Feel Good About Yourself in the Morning, or, We Apologize for the Inconvenience but You're Going to Have to Leave Now, or, 'I Have Fought the Big Knives and Will Continue to Fight Them Until They Are Off Our Lands!'"

Obviously you haven't gone so far, but I just really enjoy long song titles. :P
I made you a cookie but I eated it.
#6
I like it a lot, probably because I'm able to relate to it. Unfortunately, this is all I can offer as I can't make any improvements to it and thus don't know what to crit. Very good piece though.
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#7
Only real complaint is near the end where you use "now" twice, it stands out too much. It could work, but not with the wording that is around it. If the second "now" was just a word that could blend into the scenery then it would be fine, but "right now" is a phrase and kind of makes it really obvious. Where as if you said something like "because now it's irrelevant", it's still there and holds it's meaning but it's less noticeable. I think so anyways.

Good stuff though. I liked it. Two thumbs up.
#8
thanks a lot Steve. Two thumbs up from you means a crap load to me. Anything I can look at when I get home? I'd be more than happy.
#9
'I was overly-obsessed with number'
that sounds terrible, you should just make it grammatically correct.

This is pretentious as hell and the long title does not help that fact.

That's my take on this.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#10
Quote by confusius
thanks a lot Steve. Two thumbs up from you means a crap load to me. Anything I can look at when I get home? I'd be more than happy.


Well, I posted a piece a few days ago that didn't get a single comment. The piece sucks, but maybe you could tell me it sucks too... just for confirmation.... or whatever.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=10866279#post10866279
#12
One day,
I became eclipsed,
separated from the world.
It was a void of silence,
counting.

Really boring start... nothing attention grabbing at all really. The last two lines sound really forced.

I was overly-obsessed
with Number,
so I forgot her pleasure.

Unless number is the name of a person, this makes no sense whatsoever to me. Still pretty boring.

How the hell am I meant to call her now?
I would think to myself…

Eh... I dunno. This entire piece is doing little for me at all. The writing style has changed immensly since the first verse to this one.

Right now, it’s irrelevant.
It’s all just an immense
turn-off.

This is the only bit I like. The fact that 'turn-off' is on its own line seems to add more power to it, which is good.


I can't say I really got anything out of this at all. There is really little depth or meaning that I could comprehend, the flow was off at some points, and there seems to be little structure to what you've written.

Perhaps it's just me... everyone else seems to be enjoying it.

Just out of interest, does the title bear any relevance to the piece? Just wondering...

Sorry if I came across harshly... I didn't mean anything personal by it.
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#13
Dylan: I wrote this after a wank. I won't say more because I hate rolling on and on about meanings because that ruins the effect of the piece(good or bad) on the reader. The wank should be a clue as to it's meaning, a very vague one, but nonetheless, a clue.

Jesse: I agree wholeheartedly on the pretension. It was accidental in the first stanza and then I thought I'd stick with it. Not exactly the same style, but the way I phrased everything was meant to sound pompous and pretentious.

SnowBlind: Yes, the title, whilst not bearing technical 100% relevance with the piece, it's basically what came out in words after I thought about what I was feeling after I wrote this. And no lol, you weren't harsh at all, in fact, I was expecting slaughter on this piece. And, you aren't the only person that didn't like it, trust me, people don't always mean what they say when they say it around here.

Thanks guys.