#1
So titled as I'm a failure at songwriting =P Will probably think of an actual song title later.

But yeah, it came out of one of the lines sticking in my head.
Useful critique is much appreciated, as I need it. Personally I really like the first verse, but that's it really.

It's not meant to be a rock song by the way
Well here I go You'll have to excuse the lack of punctuation, its a bad habit I get when I try to write poems/songs.

the air is dripping, thick with metaphor
and words as the screaming thoughts are
bubbling inside of the train lines of my
neurons, nerves and heart

but I don't say a thing
i just sit there staring
at the wall pretending
that i don't want you with me

all my longing feels like acid rain that's
burning holes right through my skin and i feel it
corroding the edge of what's protecting
my feelings, heart and mind

but i won't do a thing
just like the other week
i'll pretend that i don't see
but of you i'll be thinking
I made you a cookie but I eated it.
#2
Quote by Purnin
So titled as I'm a failure at songwriting =P Will probably think of an actual song title later.

But yeah, it came out of one of the lines sticking in my head.
Useful critique is much appreciated, as I need it. Personally I really like the first verse, but that's it really.

It's not meant to be a rock song by the way
Well here I go You'll have to excuse the lack of punctuation, its a bad habit I get when I try to write poems/songs.

the air is dripping, thick with metaphor
and words as the screaming thoughts are
bubbling inside of the train lines of my
neurons, nerves and heart

I like the vocabulary, abstract meaning and somewhat of a broad subject but it leads into the piece nicely.

but I don't say a thing
i just sit there staring
at the wall pretending
that i don't want you with me

Now I know what this piece is about. Not the best written stanza in the piece IMO, but it gets the point across.

all my longing feels like acid rain that's
burning holes right through my skin and i feel it
corroding the edge of what's protecting
my feelings, heart and mind

This is my favorite verse in the poem, probably because I can relate to it the most. Well written and on a subject that I think a lot of people can relate to.

but i won't do a thing
just like the other week
i'll pretend that i don't see
but of you i'll be thinking

Maybe "just like every other week"? I don't know but that line seems awkwardly written. The rest of it is fair. I would rewrite that line and the last one if I could find a way to change it.


Overall, a well written piece on a subject that most people can relate to themselves. C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=680101
Jackson DKMG with Dimarzio Evo2's
Squier Strat

Vox AD50VT-212

Schecter Stilletto Elite-4

Acoustic B200

Change of Season

fuzzyDXMG=GREAT buyer/trader, easy to deal with.
#3
Quote by Purnin
So titled as I'm a failure at songwriting =P Will probably think of an actual song title later.
Hi Purnin,

You're in a gray area with that title. Thread titles are supposed to be the title of the work, or simply "untitled". You didn't do anything particularly attention-getting like. "Please crit this song ... c4c", but you're on the edge with the title you've chosen. Be a bit more careful in the future, eh?

You've actually replied on a good number of threads here. That's a good thing. Your replies have been positive and supportive, but I'd like to suggest that you do more. Instead of just saying it was good, or that you liked it, try to be specific about which parts stood out, and which ones weren't as good.

Posting here isn't just about validation. It's also about self-improvement. If you approach your replies to others in that manner, you can expect to get a good bit of help from some of the members who can dissect your work, the way atreyurock9 did. It's not as much fun to get as a compliment, but you learn more.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#4
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
Hi Purnin,

You're in a gray area with that title. Thread titles are supposed to be the title of the work, or simply "untitled". You didn't do anything particularly attention-getting like. "Please crit this song ... c4c", but you're on the edge with the title you've chosen. Be a bit more careful in the future, eh?

You've actually replied on a good number of threads here. That's a good thing. Your replies have been positive and supportive, but I'd like to suggest that you do more. Instead of just saying it was good, or that you liked it, try to be specific about which parts stood out, and which ones weren't as good.

Posting here isn't just about validation. It's also about self-improvement. If you approach your replies to others in that manner, you can expect to get a good bit of help from some of the members who can dissect your work, the way atreyurock9 did. It's not as much fun to get as a compliment, but you learn more.

Absolutely, I just gotta work my way into posting. I'm mostly lurking quite a bit, but when I do have something to say, I will most definitely say it. =)
I made you a cookie but I eated it.