#1
The blame I once lay
Only upon myself
Now rests on you and him
Now you want me to stay
In an eternal hell
Of you and me as just friends

Now that my feelings have left
It's become much easier to cope
Now I don't want to be with you
When before it was lost hope

Now I honestly don't care
About what happens with you two
What happened used to matter
Before I lost my feelings for you

It doesn't matter anymore
What he thinks of you
Or what you think of him
All I was once waiting for
Has been replaced
With feelings bordering hatred

You told me you loved me
But you were just blowing smoke
I loved you with every bone in my body
But every bone broke

You shattered my heart
Into a thousand tiny pieces
I've built it back into a whole
Through my various releases

It doesn't matter anymore
What he thinks of you
Or what you think of him
All I was once waiting for
Has been replaced
With feelings bordering hatred

Now that I've quit all the drugs
And thrown away all the razors
I've finally come to realize
I don't want to stay in your good favors

You said before that it was over
But it's finally truly through
I never once told a lie
But you did when you said "I love you"

The blame I once lay
Only upon myself
Now rests on you and him
Now you want me to stay
In an eternal hell
Of you and me as just friends

You told me you loved me
But you were just blowing smoke
I loved you with every bone in my body
But every bone broke

It doesn't matter anymore
What he thinks of you
Or what you think of him
All I was once waiting for
Has been replaced
With feelings bordering hatred
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#2
Quote by atreyurock9
The blame I once lay
Only upon myself
Now rests on you and him
Now you want me to stay
In an eternal hell
Of you and me as just friends

I quite love those first few lines especially. Although I must say that personally I don't really like hell metaphors, you've made it kind of nice. I get an idea of what the piece is about as well. Plus those first few lines are just lovely.


Now that my feelings have left
It's become much easier to cope
Now I don't want to be with you
When before it was lost hope
somehow I feel like the rhyme is a little forced, I dunno, it just doesn't feel right to me. I mean, ultimately it's up to you, but the cope/hope rhyme bugs me a bit

Now I honestly don't care
About what happens with you two
What happened used to matter
Before I lost my feelings for you
That third line feels a little weak to me, probably due to its vagueness as well as using the word happened a lot. This song is about betrayal, from what I can gather, so perhaps something that alludes to that might be better?

It doesn't matter any more
What he thinks of you
Or what you think of him
All I was once waiting for
Has been replaced
With feelings bordering hatred
Now I love these first 3 lines especially - you can do some lovely things with words! I just feel that sometimes the words you write are kind of trite - feelings bordering hatred sounds kind of awkward to me.

You told me you loved me
But you were just blowing smoke
I loved you with every bone in my body
But every bone broke

Now I like this - although blowing smoke is a bit of a cliche, it still feels nice. Plus that every bone broke thing also is quite nice, it actually conveys the metaphor much nicer than the next stanza

You shattered my heart
Into a thousand tiny pieces
I've built it back into a whole
Through my various releases
I have to say, I cringed a little when I read the first two lines here. =( I just can't stand this whole shattering heart business. That being said, you did bring it back from the grave with the last two lines, but I dunno, it still feels awkward to me

It doesn't matter any more
What he thinks of you
Or what you think of him
All I was once waiting for
Has been replaced
With feelings bordering hatred

Now that I've quit all the drugs
And thrown away all the razors
I've finally come to realize
I don't want to stay in your good favours
i'm not going to even touch the whole razor blade cutting thing, if you want that in your song its up you really. But yeah, I dunno, the rest of the song was so vague and this part is so specific, i'm not sure how it melds together

You said before that it was over
But it's finally truly through
I never once told a lie
But you did when you said "I love you"
some slight rewording and this could work, some of your phrasing is awkward but the message itself works well with the song

The blame I once lay
Only upon myself
Now rests on you and him
Now you want me to stay
In an eternal hell
Of you and me as just friends

You told me you loved me
But you were just blowing smoke
I loved you with every bone in my body
But every bone broke

It doesn't matter anymore
What he thinks of you
Or what you think of him
All I was once waiting for
Has been replaced
With feelings bordering hatred



Overall I think some of your phrasing is awkward, and you need to work a bit harder to avoid cliche (not that cliche in itself is a bad thing, but you must be careful with it). I hope you don't mind me tearing it apart like this. Don't give it up, you've managed to make some beautiful phrases in some places, I think this piece has a lot of potential. =) You've managed to convey a devastating betrayal in a believable fashion, with some work it could be a great piece. =)

(edited for serious tag fail)
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