#1
Wrote this for my english class and got an A!

Upon the hill it did stand
Blending deeply into ebony skies
Erected of mud and stone
Built by that wicked croan

Dusk till dawn
She stacks stone upon stone
Dawn till dusk
She sits alone

Weaping


Alone


Yet still she stacks stone upon stone
#2
Upon the hill it did stand
It did stand just doesn't work, try rewording it.
Blending deeply into ebony skies
Erected of mud and stone
Built by that wicked croan
I'm not sure about the last word, is it a typo?
Dusk till dawn
She stacks stone upon stone
Dawn till dusk
She sits alone

Weaping
*Weeping
Alone
I like how you have weeping, and alone as these impact words but I think you could use something else seeing as you have she sits alone just two lines up.
Yet still she stacks stone upon stone.
I think you could come up with a more powerful ending.


That was a nice read, good job.
#3
Quote by ENIGMATIC.
Upon the hill it did stand
It did stand just doesn't work, try rewording it.
Blending deeply into ebony skies
Erected of mud and stone
Built by that wicked croan
I'm not sure about the last word, is it a typo?
Dusk till dawn
She stacks stone upon stone
Dawn till dusk
She sits alone

Weaping
*Weeping
Alone
I like how you have weeping, and alone as these impact words but I think you could use something else seeing as you have she sits alone just two lines up.
Yet still she stacks stone upon stone.
I think you could come up with a more powerful ending.


That was a nice read, good job.


Yeah im not quite done with it. This is mainly quick draft of what i plan on writing. This should help me get to finishing it! thanks!

Also croan is an ugly and witchlike person. It's usually spelled as Crone. But can be spelt as croan. But i may just change it to the normal spelling.
Last edited by DeathBySpoon at Sep 26, 2007,
#4
Oh yeah, well in that case it's a solid draft.

Hmm, that's cool. Guess you really do learn something new everyday.
#5
You shouldnt be graded on poetry. Thats stupid. It's all subjective. One teacher may love Hemmingway, another may love Ginsberg, no one will be able to please them both, and no one submitting the same poem to both will get the same grade. Unless you were graded on solely the fact that you turned it in or you had a certain amount of images... well, I'm just sorry your teachers put you in that kind of position.

Or maybe my school's an exception in that we dont get graded on our poetry...
#6
Quote by #1 synth
You shouldnt be graded on poetry. Thats stupid. It's all subjective. One teacher may love Hemmingway, another may love Ginsberg, no one will be able to please them both, and no one submitting the same poem to both will get the same grade. Unless you were graded on solely the fact that you turned it in or you had a certain amount of images... well, I'm just sorry your teachers put you in that kind of position.

Or maybe my school's an exception in that we dont get graded on our poetry...


Actually it was easy. All the other kids just rapped pretty much.
#7
i like it. you should change one of the "alone's" at the end.
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#8
Quote by theneildeal
i like it. you should change one of the "alone's" at the end.


Oh I've been changing parts here and there in my free time. I'm glad so many people have liked it at all the places I've posted it.
#9
I Love It !!!! Omg! If I Ever Thought Of A Song With That In It, Id Have To Give U Like 200% Of The Money Its Soo Good !!!
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#10
Quote by MetallicSoul92
I Love It !!!! Omg! If I Ever Thought Of A Song With That In It, Id Have To Give U Like 200% Of The Money Its Soo Good !!!


I never asked before, but were you being sarcastic?