#1
Edited due to some minor changes.


Strong Intro:

"And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard,
as it were the noise of thunder, all four beasts saying, Come and see."
(Revelations 6:1)


who recieved their power?

Me!


No holds Barred, a Free For All
you screwed with me
you wont be standing at all

waiting for the sign
It's Time to react
You treated me bad
No one can hold me back!

Emit my ANGER!!!
RELEASe MY HATE!
MY End's A RUMOUR!
EXCELLed OVER FATE!


NO ONE CAN HELP YOU LIVE
YOU THINK YOU CAN FEND?
When BY YOURSELF your VUNERABLE,
THIS IS THE END!

Emit my ANGER!!!
RELEASe MY HATE!
MY End's A RUMOUR!
EXCELLed OVER FATE!


Sick Guitar solo
Last edited by MetallicSoul92 at Sep 28, 2007,
#8
Isn't that bible quote used in Johnny Cash's "When The Man Comes Around"? Not sure if you'd want to use the same part, unless you've really changed it up. Other than that, I could see this as a good metal song.

EDIT: Whoops, sorry about that first part. I had the wrong quote in mind. Go crazy with it then.
Last edited by rush4life at Sep 28, 2007,
#9
Quote by MetallicSoul92
Strong Intro:

"And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard,
as it were the noise of thunder, all four beasts saying, Come and see."
(Revelations 6:1)


who recieved their power?

Me! I like this bit.


No holds Barred, a Free For All
you act derisive to me - This doesn't flow
as i draw the force from you Change 'the force' to something else. Maybe just 'it all.'
you wont be standing at all Doesn't flow.

waiting for the sign Change it to 'waited', I think it fits better.
It's Time to react
You treated me bad This doesn't work well.
Nobody can hold me back!

Emit my ANGER!!!
RELEASing MY HATE! Cut '-ing'
MY End's A RUMOUR! Make it 'is a rumour', the contraction makes it less dramatic
I'VE EXCELLed OVER FATE!


NO ONE CAN HELP YOU LIVE
YOU THINK YOUR ABLE TO FEND? 'Fend' doesn't work on its own as a verb. And 'you're able' sounds odd, as usually you'd use 'you can'
When you're BY YOURSELF
your not inVUNERABLE This part doesn't flow.
THIS IS THE END!

Emit my ANGER!!!
RELEASing MY HATE!
MY End's A RUMOUR!
EXCELLed OVER FATE!


Sick Guitar solo


Sorry I tried to write it for you in places :/
But if you work at it it could definitely be good.
Crit mine? In the sig.
#11
this has lots of potential, but I think it strays a bit to far into mallcore territory-but hey, its not my song! good job
#12
Quote by MetallicSoul92
Strong Intro:

"And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard,
as it were the noise of thunder, all four beasts saying, Come and see."
(Revelations 6:1)


who recieved their power?

Me!

Good intro. Biblical verses always work well for this kinda thing

No holds Barred, a Free For All
you act derisive to me
as i draw the force from you
you wont be standing at all

Doesn't really flow well IMO, I can't figure out what rythmn you're trying to establish, or if you're trying to establish a rythmn at all

waiting for the sign
It's Time to react
You treated me bad
Nobody can hold me back!

Not bad, but I'd change the 1st line to "Wait for the sign" and the last line to "No one can hold me back.

Emit my ANGER!!!
RELEASing MY HATE!
MY End's A RUMOUR!
EXCELLed OVER FATE!

You should either switch "emit" to "emitting" or "releasing" to "release", other then that it's not bad.

NO ONE CAN HELP YOU LIVE
YOU THINK YOUR ABLE TO FEND?
When BY YOURSELF
your not inVUNERABLE
THIS IS THE END!

This just doesn't work for me man. I wish I could give you advice on it, but I really just can't see what you're tryng to do with it

Emit my ANGER!!!
RELEASing MY HATE!
MY End's A RUMOUR!
EXCELLed OVER FATE!


Sick Guitar solo



First off, what style of metal would you be doing? Knowing how the vocals sound would help me crit better. I imagined it in the metalcore higher screaming kind of style just because that's what I do.

You're strong point in that song is the "Emit my anger" part and the intro. The intro is just plain badass, and the chorus part (I'm assuming that's what it is) would be awesome with minor adjustments. Honestly, I'd scrap the verses you've got there and rewrite something in the same theme. Keep trying man, it's good to see a metalhead in these parts.


EDIT: If you wanna crit mine, it's called "Thy Will Be Done" and it's on the first page (I think)
#13
it kinda is more of screaming, (like lamb of god type screaming) and then it turns just into a normal shouting (the sound like hmmm how can i explain it.... sounding like Ride the lightning from metallica just some sound like that)
#14
Quote by MetallicSoul92
oo ok.



Best give the S+L rules the once over. If you would like critiques in return you have to make the effort to crit others too, bumping is not allowed.
This is not a pipe