#1
Well this is my first post ever in this forum. I have my song on my profile if you care to listen.

Collecting rain instead of pollen
Take it back to thirsty bees
They take care to dodge the raindrops
Seeking shelter under leaves

Bee keepers angry
No honey for him today
Bees are happy
Their thirst has gone away

Keepers got a warning
For all those bees
That don’t know how to
Earn their keep
They’ve got hives in time and space
Can you tell me
What else do they need?
Honey may be sweet
But I’ve got people I must please
Bees may get thirsty
But they are taking liberties

Men are friendly
When you give them what they need
Put yourself first
You’ll find yourself a homeless bee.
#2
Hi Alex,

Welcome to S&L.

I heard the mp3 in your profile before I saw the words in print. It works much better as a song than in the printed form. It's still a nice read, though.

Part of what make it work so well is the simple, child-like structure. It starts with phrases, sentence fragments, and very simple complete sentences. Grammatically it's unrefined. That only adds to the richness of the experience.

When presenting a work like this in print, it's not necessary to capitalize the first word of every line. You could use capitalization just to open a new thought or phrase. Using punctuation will help, too. Don't be too concerned with grammar. Use the commas, periods, and omission of punctuation to pause, full stop, or maintain continuity.

Keepers is used in the possessive sense, rather than plural, so that needs to be changed to Keeper's.

My own interpretation of this, was a metaphor for the working world. Keeper is the owner of a company. The bees are his workers. The rain could be kindness, love, or even pleasant talk around the water-cooler. Anything that keeps life from being a dry meaningless existence. One particular line:
They’ve got hives in time and space alludes to the Keeper believing he has done more than enough, simply by providing employment.


Be sure to visit other threads and give some comments and crits to others. You can just give an overall impression. Or you can mention which parts seemed strong and which seemed weak. Or you could do a full crit, where you dissect each line and comment on the structure and imagery. Do whatever you feel comfortable with. And please don't "rate" the work with a number. Imho, that's not appropriate or helpful, although a few random people who wander in here, don't agree.

Cheers,
SYK
Meadows
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