#1
Wrote this song in math class, zero attention to detail. crit4crit.

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Lusty Dreams (In Math)

The chair is my ball, the homework my chain
Rambling teacher, stories told in vain
Search for an escape, one's yet to be seen,
Lookin 'round the room, just as tired as me

Salvation's not far, I sense it in my midst,
Slip into a dream about more than a kiss
Subject's a female, fine as can be,
Holy shit, she's sitting next to me

I knew that chick last year, didn't I?
But then again, last year, I was really high,
Now I'm busted, on probe, and cash-less to boot
Looking closer now, this chick's kinda cute.

Yeah, I know I got no chance,
Save myself the shunned advance
Thinking 'bout my lusty dreamin',
Waiting for a sleepy feelin'


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Yea, so I stole a Beatles line, sue me.

A bit autobiographical, no shame in that. But please, make funnier, create something-or-other, etc.

Going for an acoustic-folk-parody feeling.
Quote by count schizo
I think we should take a second out to flame him anyways. I mean we're already here.

Quote by 7DaySkeptic
Only a misguided youth seeking something to take up the space below their post would sig me

^ Yep, that sounds about right.
Last edited by krypto1339 at Sep 28, 2007,
#2
The chair is my ball, the homework my chain
Rambling teacher, stories told in vain
Search for an escape, one's tey to be seen,
Lookin 'round the room, just as tired as me
interesting start here. i like how you wrote this in class. i used to do the same thing when i was in high school. oh well, on to the crit. i like the first two lines, good flow, easy and catchy. the third and fourth line confuse me. the language (and i think spelling) get confusing for me, and therefore made it hard to follow. this stanza needs a bit of work on the last two lines, and it will be good. easily relatable makes for easily remembered.

Lalvation's not far, I sense it in my midst,
Slip into a dream about more than a kiss
Subject's a female, fine as can be,
Holy shit, she's sitting next to me
i liked all this except the last line. it comes off as very forced. sp. line one to fix. other than that the first two lines are good. i really like the third line. i like how it relates the boredom of the class and the girl, as if she is the lesson plan. ie. making school more interesting. clever. good. last line needs work. good.

I knew that chick last year, didn't I?
But then again, last year, I was really high,
Now I'm busted, on probe, and cash-less to boot
Looking closer now, this chick's kinda cute.
this part kind of throws off the flow of the song i think. to me at least. it changes tense, which isnt necessarily a bad thing, but right here it doesn't fit well. if you had another stanza between these two, maybe something about her that makes her more interesting than the math you should be studying, then it would give some detail to the audience as to why shes special.

Yeah, I know I got no chance,
Save myself the shunned advance
Thinking 'bout my lusty dreamin',
Waiting for a sleepy feelin'
this part is rather mediocre, to say the least. the first two lines are alright, the second better than the first. the third line flows kinda funky. find another verb instead of thinking, it makes the line jumbly. i like the last line. you were bored with math, started thinking about the girl. realized you had no chance, had nothing else to do, go to sleep. sounds like my entire HS career.



overall, not too bad. i suggest spending more time in math class working on this piece to make it great. it's got some great potential. keep up the good work. crit mine when you get a chance.

My Passions, My Bruises
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#3
I generally dislike this sort of high school non-romantic depictions of love in songs. However, I found this one quite charming. I'd have to agree with DrkNTwstd's crit to some extent. It definitely could shape up into a very enjoyable song.
I made you a cookie but I eated it.
#4
I agree with DrkNTwstd on many levels, and also reallize that the spelling is absolutely horrid. Going back to change what I can...

Halfway through, it went from serious to comedy, and it kinda threw off the flow of the whole thing. Not sure which side to go yet, though a comedic approach might be cool.

And in terms of the "high school non-romantic depictions of love in songs", that's kinda what I was going for. The whole idea of liking someone just enough to have a sex dream about them intrigued me.
Quote by count schizo
I think we should take a second out to flame him anyways. I mean we're already here.

Quote by 7DaySkeptic
Only a misguided youth seeking something to take up the space below their post would sig me

^ Yep, that sounds about right.
Last edited by krypto1339 at Sep 29, 2007,