#1
Thread got close for postin to a day (my bad)(forgot rules i havent posted in so long) so here i it is again, with a little edditing thanks to triggerfinger. any other feed back would be awsome, and srit for crit. sry again for the doule post.

Workhorse Slaving
Sweat and Tears,
Shead to Dispel
Your Doubt and Fears.

Enough is enough,
The labour of man,
Workhorse slaving,
With blood on his hands.

Im gonna pull through,
Against these stakes,
To Provide for you,
I'll do Whatever it takes,

Enough is enough,
The labour of man,
Workhorse slaving,
With blood on his hands.

I do This for You - Screamed and grunted a few times
Workhorse For You - Screamed and grunted a few times

Day after day,
I'll slave and i'll toil,
Ill never stop,
Till im burried in soil.

Kk thanks to all who at least took a look. and if you dont like this maybe you could look at (a rose in a flame) that desnt have any crits either , any who happy writtin.
#2
i sense a very metal guitar/drum contingency here. rock on.

Workhorse Slaving
Sweat and Tears,
Shead to Dispel
Your Doubt and Fears.
with such few words in your stanzas it's hard to give a lengthy critique. i'll try though.first line is good, repeats title. third line "shed." good stanza. easy.

Enough is enough,
The labour of man,
Workhorse slaving,
With blood on his hands.
you must be from england, having a u in the word "labour". sorry, i got a chuckle out of that. this stanza is also hard to crit. its short and to the point. nothing groundbreaking yet.

Im gonna pull through,
Against these stakes,
To Provide for you,
I'll do Whatever it takes,
okay. this stanza is a bit easier to crit. the first line of the last stanza says "enough is enough," which would lead me to believe that you are through putting up with what's going on and you are going to pave your own way, so to speak. this first line says "im gonna pull through" which sort of says you are going to keep going on the same path and hopefully find a light at the end of the tunnel. just small differences. i mean for metal, nobody is going to notice something like that(especially if its screamed ;-) ) overall the stanza is pretty solid. shows character and emotion, as well as devotion to another. it's the more heartfelt stanza in the song i guess.

Enough is enough,
The labour of man,
Workhorse slaving,
With blood on his hands.

I do This for You - Screamed and grunted a few times
Workhorse For You - Screamed and grunted a few times
classic screaming the same lines over and over. gets the point across. maybe getting a little tired after a while. dont do it too many times, maybe some overlapping the other ones to keep it different. ratm does the repeat game, i feel, too much. dont do that.

Day after day,
I'll slave and i'll toil,
Ill never stop,
Till im burried in soil.
this piece is alright. im figuring maybe whispered as the song is fading out or maybe like a last chorus or something? its alright. toil is sort of a strange word to put here, if not for the rhyme you used. it reminds me of witches "double double, toil and trouble." after looking it up, however i see it means hard, never ending work. that will work! the only thing i can say about the last line is change the word "buried" to something like "covered" or another word similar. i dont want to say covered is un-generic, because it's not, its just less generic than buried, which also has a less threatening feel to it.


well that's all i got for you right now. it's hard with such short lines to give a proper crit. so few words to choose from so anything you change will most likely change the pattern. its pretty good. strong metal lyrics. nothing too over the top, but still strong nonetheless. nice work. crit mine when you get a chance.

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#3
I quite like it.
I like how it centers around work and how people generally work for the sake of others. Also how the narrator feels about the working, but also understands that it is something he must do to for his loved ones. Well thats the feeling I got. It's nothing over the top as well, you treated the subject very well. Nothing too romantic, but also these are lyrics that have been thought about carefully. I think you did a great job.
I made you a cookie but I eated it.
#4
Thanks a lot to both of you, epsecially Drkntwstd i will defintily use some if not all your suggestions.
and too Purnin, thanks for your comments, and even tho its not a crit, its still helpful and i apriciate you even looking at it, so if you have anything you want me to crit, just leave a link or something for me to serch and ill get right one it. any one else want to sumbmit anything for this or my other new one ( a rose in a flame) go for it and its always a crit for crit.
#5
This could be good. There are a few really, really tacky rhymes here though that ruin it for me. Toil/Soil is the main thing that gets to me. It just sounds so forced. I know there isn't much else that rhymes with toil for the last bit... so maybe change toil as well. Toil is such a... well, not a 'Metal' word. It reminds me of medieval times. The overall concept is quite good, and I can imagine it would work well in a metal song, so props for that. But just work on the rhyming a bit, and this will be a lot better.
Crit mine? Obsession, link's in the sig. Cheers.
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#6
Ahhh, Like the last stanza.
I do agree though the Toil rhyme could be improved but if it is metal it won't be to big of a deal.
Just curious, what type of metal/music are you going with, cause i wouldn't mind hearing this to a track or even getting an idea how this will be incorporated with music.
As for the lyrics. Not your best work, but good nonetheless.
Cheers.
#7
Workhorse is a song by Mastodon. So that may have to be changed? I'm not sure on laws and whatnot. And this applies to in the future, if this song is recorded and published in any way.