#1
Please feel free to crit, as goes with all my posts. Be ruthless. Enjoy.


I feel on top of the world
Where no one is stopping me
The white china lace is...
Making me feel so beautiful
And the table feels invisible
But i'm not feeliung here
The face is feeling numb
And my legs are gone it's clear

It's too unreal
Let my instincts take over
Close the eyelids, feel the way
The tingling takes my cover

Over these pictures getting shader
Memories become older
I feel the floor beneath me falling
I sit, I can't walk, I'm just crawling to
Have just one more

It's too unreal
Let my instincts take over
Close the eyelids, feel the way
The tingling takes my cover

But it keeps me wanting for more
More pain, blood, dripping drops from
Where oxygen belongs but something replaces
My breath feels mistaken for a little more

It's too unreal
Let my instincts take over
Cross the arms, fold the legs
There's so little concentration on subject
It seems i'm left out
#2
Quote by Weez_o_matic
Please feel free to crit, as goes with all my posts. Be ruthless. Enjoy.


I feel on top of the world
Where no one is stopping me
The white china lace is...
Making me feel so beautiful
And the table feels invisible
But i'm not feeliung here
The face is feeling numb
And my legs are gone it's clear I like it up to this point. 'It's clear' is obviously you desperately trying to rhyme. It doesn't need to.

It's too unreal
Let my instincts take over
Close the eyelids, feel the way
The tingling takes my cover I don't understand what this line means.

Over these pictures getting shader Shadier?
Memories become older Filler.
I feel the floor beneath me falling Falling is pretty cliché in poetry.
I sit, I can't walk, I'm just crawling to
Have just one more

It's too unreal
Let my instincts take over
Close the eyelids, feel the way
The tingling takes my cover

But it keeps me wanting for more
More pain, blood, dripping drops from
Where oxygen belongs but something replaces
My breath feels mistaken for a little more

It's too unreal
Let my instincts take over
Cross the arms, fold the legs
There's so little concentration on subject
It seems i'm left out


Sorry I was kind of ruthless... But you started off quite well. Work at it.
Crit mine?