#1
c4c

a red and gold book of photographs
i took one look and i had to laugh
the first thing i saw was baby me
i couldnt have been older than a couple of weeks

turned the page only to see
you and me sitting in a swing
you were still a teen
my shirt was green (i know you probably dont like this line, i do, i think ads a little humor to the song)


turned another page
and then i saw little me
holding a teddy bear
grinning big with both of my teeth

then there was me in a cowboy suit
stickhorse and all, but where were my boots?

it must have been winter
there was snow on the ground
it was cold outside
said my rosy red nose

the next page was me and you
and a turtle
in a petting zoo
that thing coulda ate me and my mullet too

nothing much has changed since then
i still love you
sure, i was a little cuter back when (not then, no typo)
i was a little baby mexican **
Last edited by TonyRandall at Dec 26, 2007,
#2
a song for your mom? fag.

haha im kidding ofcourse...i wrote a song for my parents once. This is well written, especially what its for. Good job man. Tell your mom i said Merry Christmas when it rolls around.
#3
That's really sweet of you. It's kind of kitschy but also charming. =) I love those first two lines, very lovely.
I made you a cookie but I eated it.
#4
Quote by TonyRandall


a red and gold book of photographs
i took one look and i had to laugh
the first thing i saw was baby me
i couldnt have been older than a couple of weeks
this first stanza is good, although i think you should change the word "thing," to something else. thing is such a vague and uninteresting word. the rest of this stanza is good. nice and upbeat

turned the page only to see
you and me sitting in a swing
you were still a teen
my shirt was green
haha, i like this stanza. it's silly. i cant really say much here to crit it. its got memories, passion and lots of emotion. plus the humorous last line gives it a bit of something extra. well done.

turned another page
and then i saw little me
holding a teddy bear
grinning big with both of my teeth
this part is cute. the only thing i can suggest is changing the first line to something different. the stanza before had a very similar first line. maybe if it was like "on the next page" or soemthing like that, just to change it up a bit. also, your rhyme pattern changed here from aabb to abab. was that intentional?

then there was me in a cowboy suit
stickhorse and all, but where were my boots?
haha i dont really know what to say to this one.

it must have been winter
there was snow on the ground
it was cold outside
said my rosy red nose
nice allusions to rudolph and winter. no rhyme scheme here. kind of hard to tell what picture you are talking about here. is the cowboy suit pic in the winter? little confusing. good nonetheless.

the next page was me and you
and a turtle
in a petting zoo
that thing coulda ate me and my mullet too
very silly stanza. i suggest maybe changing the last line to read "could have (or could've) eaten me...." Ate sort of sticks out here and ruins the flow of the line. sentimental stanza though.

nothing much has changed since then
i still love you
sure, i was a little cuter back when
i was a little baby mexican **

i like this stanza the most, i think. line two is a little short, at least for the way i was reading it. good ending. clever.


its a cute and clever song. it's not going to win song of the year or anything but it has a good purpose and I'm sure your mom will love it. keep tweeking it. nice job. crit mine when you get a chance.

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#5
love it dude, its a great reason to write a song I'm sure your mom will love it
The Ripper

Oh the songs Jim, the songs, they'd melt your face!
#9
The first thing I'd suggest is to swap the second an third lines of the first verse. It reads better, and makes for a better rhyme scheme.

I can't believe you didn't rhyme nosey with rosy. This is for your Mom, right?

The last verse just seems like clutter. The thought is OK, but it has no flow. As if you'd grown tired and just wanted to get it done. Tear it apart and try to salvage it, or just find a better way to bring this to a close.
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#10
Quote by TonyRandall
c4c

a red and gold book of photographs
i took one look and i had to laugh
the first thing i saw was baby me
i couldnt have been older than a couple of weeks

The only thing wrong here is the vocab, Though it works it is very simple, As it is for your mother, simplicity in delivering the message could work to the advantage, depending on how much deciphering you want you'r mother to have to endure.

turned the page only to see
you and me sitting in a swing
you were still a teen
my shirt was green (i know you probably dont like this line, i do, i think ads a little humor to the song)

(This works, but hardly, It just seems weak with no conclusion, as if there should be something following quickly in the stanza, No finality I should say.

turned another page
and then i saw little me
holding a teddy bear
grinning big with both of my teeth

( I like this stanza quite a bit. This is the kind of strength in memory you should have in each verse. Try and capture this feeling in each stanza and she shall melt for it.

then there was me in a cowboy suit
stickhorse and all, but where were my boots?

It works, not much to be said here

it must have been winter
there was snow on the ground
it was cold outside
said my rosy red nose

( not much strength or rhyme. I dunno what you would do with this, but I guess it works

the next page was me and you
and a turtle
in a petting zoo
that thing coulda ate me and my mullet too

I am not a fan of this rhym scheme AbAA, But it can work, Here there was not a whole lot to be done, but it works.

nothing much has changed since then
i still love you
sure, i was a little cuter back when (not then, no typo)
i was a little baby mexican **



LOL, Well the ending is good, But all in all this is weak, But as this is a song for your mom professional writing skills are not needed, on a professional scale this would get a 2-4, but for mom, this is sure to score a 10
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