#2
I think this is really good, but too short to be effective. Well, I take that back. It's effective. But it could be even more effective if you added to it. Right now it's like one punch, but with another stanza or two it could be a beating (to use your metaphor). It's a very good start, though.

Link in the sig, "The Great Divide" if you could.

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#3
Sadly, the only thing on the first page worth reading right now.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


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#4
Quote by culex-knight
Sadly, the only thing on the first page worth reading right now.

hey douche, try readin others work, and TELLING THEM WTF IS WRONG, hence the whole lyric forum, dipsh*t. "only thing worth reading"...one of the most idiotic, sadning and most ignorant statements i've seen on UG. dude COMMETN ON OTHERS WORK SO THAT THEY MIGHT GET SOMETHING OUT OF POSTING ON THE LYRIC FORUM AND WILL COME UP WITH "SOMETHING WORTH READING"...douchebag...

ANYways i liked it, it was short, but still it had and impact, nice imagery, and keep up the good work
crit 4 crit?
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#5
Quote by hobozach
hey douche, try readin others work, and TELLING THEM WTF IS WRONG, hence the whole lyric forum, dipsh*t. "only thing worth reading"...one of the most idiotic, sadning and most ignorant statements i've seen on UG. dude COMMETN ON OTHERS WORK SO THAT THEY MIGHT GET SOMETHING OUT OF POSTING ON THE LYRIC FORUM AND WILL COME UP WITH "SOMETHING WORTH READING"...douchebag...


He's right...it is the only thing worth reading right now, there's not realy to much good work up, and one little crit isn't guna fix a poem that has a stupid message behind it any way, it looks to me as if your being the douchebag.



And as far as your poem, it's realy good, but I would think about adding a few more verses, and I like the metaphore you've got going in it....I don't realy think I would change anything at all. Great poem.
#7
Quote by culex-knight
Sadly, the only thing on the first page worth reading right now.



I completely disagree, in that this isn't worth reading. There is nothing to it to make it in any way unique or memorable. It's good at being a silly simple ditty with some personal meaning, bad as something I enjoy reading on here.

edit: And there is some good stuff up at the moment if you look for it.




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#8
Anything else that I read on this site right now, that is well written, disgusts me. It's all fraudulent, I feel as though I am being cheated emotionally. It feels mechanical, it makes me feel nothing but disgust at the author for forcing such **** from their hands.


This writing, like all his writings, does what poetry is supposed to do. It is a very admirable characteristic to have.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#9
I actually enjoyed it very much. Sorry, I don't have much to say but my opinion would be don't touch it. Length is perfect.
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#10
Yeah, don't add any more to it. Its fast and effective.
#12
Quote by culex-knight
Anything else that I read on this site right now, that is well written, disgusts me. It's all fraudulent, I feel as though I am being cheated emotionally. It feels mechanical, it makes me feel nothing but disgust at the author for forcing such **** from their hands.


This writing, like all his writings, does what poetry is supposed to do. It is a very admirable characteristic to have.
Thanks a lot man, I really appreciate that. It is a wonderful compliment.

Thanks everyone else too. I'll try to get some critiques in for you.