#1
Im still fairly new at this....feel free to tear this apart, be as harsh as needed. if you want ill take a look at your stuff too, just leave a link or a name.

the song is about a guy, who just got out of a long relationship of a girl he really truly loved, repeatedly runs into her daily, and also repeatedly sees her with her new boyfriend.


This Is My Soul (Wasting Away)


Look into my eyes, what do you see?
They're filled with pain and agony
Your image a vivid ghost in my mind
As stinging waves of passion still grip me


Saw your face again today
Just talked, and what did you say?
"Please don't hate me" staring through me with those eyes
How could I hate you...when you have saved me?

Chorus:
Well we just float on day after day
All I want, is to beg you to stay
This is my soul, wasting away
This is my soul, longing for you today


I see your face, and just break down and cry
Trying to keep up this ruse
looking at the past now
i cant help but feel used


They said to give up on you
They told me i should hate you too
The truth is i don't
I still have faith in you

Well we just float on day after day
All I want, is to beg you to stay
This is my soul, wasting away
This is my soul, longing for you today

I see you and him
oh, how i wish to be him
To just hold you once more
To hear the words i used to live for

I find you yet again
I struggle to find the words to say
But you don't care anyways
You run off to be with him

Well we just float on day after day
All I want, is to beg you to stay
This is my soul, wasting away
This is my soul, longing for you today

I walk by and glance at you
I remember that thats the same way
i used to hold you too
Before my heart was torn to pieces

I can't find the words to say
i want you here now
i just don't know how
that would be possible

This is my soul, wasting away
This is my soul, longing for you today
This is my soul, begging you to stay
#2
This Is My Soul (Wasting Away)


Look into my eyes, what do you see? Consider rewriting this first line.
They're filled with pain and agony I think it's been done way too many times to
Your image a vivid ghost in my mind be any good but I had no problem with the
As stinging waves of passion still grip me the rest of this section.


Saw your face again today
Just talked, and what did you say?
"Please don't hate me" staring through me with those eyes
How could I hate you...when you have saved me?

I don't think the last line of this section makes sense when you compare it to the rest of the song. It seems to conflict with "i cant help but feel used" etc

Chorus:
Well we just float on day after day
All I want, is to beg you to stay
This is my soul, wasting away
This is my soul, longing for you today

The chorus is probably my favorite part of the piece.

I see your face, and just break down and cry
Trying to keep up this ruse
looking at the past now
i cant help but feel used


They said to give up on you
They told me i should hate you too
The truth is i don't
I still have faith in you

Well we just float on day after day
All I want, is to beg you to stay
This is my soul, wasting away
This is my soul, longing for you today

I see you and him
oh, how i wish to be him
To just hold you once more
To hear the words i used to live for

This is another section I really liked. "To hold you once more.To hear the words I used to live for." Good stuff.

I find you yet again
I struggle to find the words to say
But you don't care anyways
You run off to be with him

Well we just float on day after day
All I want, is to beg you to stay
This is my soul, wasting away
This is my soul, longing for you today

I walk by and glance at you
I remember that thats the same way
i used to hold you too
Before my heart was torn to pieces

I can't find the words to say
i want you here now
i just don't know how
that would be possible

If I were you I'd want more variety in the first line in this section and the second line in the section before the second chorus.

This is my soul, wasting away
This is my soul, longing for you today
This is my soul, begging you to stay
#3
Sorry for taking ages to reply, just been distracted.
FutureForChange has said pretty much all I would say, its pretty good.

"Your image a vivid ghost in my mind" is a great line =)
I made you a cookie but I eated it.
#4
Quote by AtreyuOwnz
Im still fairly new at this....feel free to tear this apart, be as harsh as needed. if you want ill take a look at your stuff too, just leave a link or a name.

the song is about a guy, who just got out of a long relationship of a girl he really truly loved, repeatedly runs into her daily, and also repeatedly sees her with her new boyfriend.


This Is My Soul (Wasting Away)


Look into my eyes, what do you see?
They're filled with pain and agony
Your image a vivid ghost in my mind
As stinging waves of passion still grip me

So Far So Good

Saw your face again today
Just talked, and what did you say?
"Please don't hate me" staring through me with those eyes
How could I hate you...when you have saved me?

whats the rythm? i cant really see it

Chorus:
Well we just float on day after day
All I want, is to beg you to stay
This is my soul, wasting away
This is my soul, longing for you today

last line is kinda stretched, but other than that its good

I see your face, and just break down and cry
Trying to keep up this ruse
looking at the past now
i cant help but feel used

theres the rhyme scheme :P

They said to give up on you
They told me i should hate you too
The truth is i don't
I still have faith in you

and its gone again lol. but this one looks good. the only thing is the rhyming you with you

Well we just float on day after day
All I want, is to beg you to stay
This is my soul, wasting away
This is my soul, longing for you today

I see you and him
oh, how i wish to be him
To just hold you once more
To hear the words i used to live for

samething with the him, and him. but it sounds good

I find you yet again
I struggle to find the words to say
But you don't care anyways
You run off to be with him

this is turning out to be a real good song :P what type are u playing?. o and this line is fine

Well we just float on day after day
All I want, is to beg you to stay
This is my soul, wasting away
This is my soul, longing for you today

I walk by and glance at you
I remember that thats the same way
i used to hold you too
Before my heart was torn to pieces

ooo this is original! i never scene an ABAC pattern before, i like it

I can't find the words to say
i want you here now
i just don't know how
that would be possible

this ones perfect just like this

This is my soul, wasting away
This is my soul, longing for you today
This is my soul, begging you to stay



Nice Song dude. keep up the good work. would u crit mine? its my siggy :P
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#5
thanks for the crits guys, thank you FutureForChange, i will most likely end up changing the first 2 lines, and the conflicting line. thanks Purnin, glad you liked it too
and MetallicSoul92, i haven't really though of the rhythm yet, and the line

"I see you and him
oh, how i wish to be him
To just hold you once more
To hear the words i used to live for" is an ABCC pattern, him and him weren't supposed to rhyme together, i may consider changing that too.

this piece will most likely turn out as an acoustic song, or slow metal ballad, i havent decided.
#6

This Is My Soul (Wasting Away)


Look into my eyes, what do you see?
They're filled with pain and agony
Your image a vivid ghost in my mind
As stinging waves of passion still grip me
Really strong opening, i love the wording it really hooked me

Saw your face again today
Just talked, and what did you say?
"Please don't hate me" staring through me with those eyes
How could I hate you...when you have saved me?
this sets pretty good, im not sure about the last line, it just didnt seem to flow well to me
Chorus:
We'll we just float on day after day
All I want, is to beg you to stay
This is my soul, wasting away
This is my soul, longing for you today
Damn i love the chorus, flows well, fits the rest of the song perfectly, good job

I see your face, and just break down and cry
Trying to keep up this ruse
looking at the past now
i cant help but feel used
again really like this section, cant see anything wrong

They said to give up on you
They told me i should hate you too
The truth is i don't
I still have faith in you
umm cant think of anything to type here, good stuff
Well we just float on day after day
All I want, is to beg you to stay
This is my soul, wasting away
This is my soul, longing for you today
i would say keep this as it is, very nice
I see you and him
oh, how i wish to be him
To just hold you once more
To hear the words i used to live for
im running out of stuff to say
I find you yet again
I struggle to find the words to say
But you don't care anyways
You run off to be with him

Well we just float on day after day
All I want, is to beg you to stay
This is my soul, wasting away
This is my soul, longing for you today

I walk by and glance at you
I remember that thats the same way
i used to hold you too
Before my heart was torn to pieces

I can't find the words to say
i want you here now
i just don't know how
that would be possible
good stuff, that last line doesnt seem to fit.. :\
This is my soul, wasting away
This is my soul, longing for you today
This is my soul, begging you to stay
Very strong ending, wouldnt change it
overall, i really like the song
Its a really cliche subject done in a not so cliche way, kudos
it looks like you really put alot of thought into this
just one thing i cant get passed
the song is about a guy, who just got out of a long relationship of a girl he really truly loved, repeatedly runs into her daily, and also repeatedly sees her with her new boyfriend.
This is about a guy you know, but the whole song is in fist person, how would he feel about you writing this song? does it accurately express his feelings? or is it your speculation?
other than that it is a really powerful song that speaks to alot of people, especially high schoolers , so keep it man, I enjoyed reading this and if you ever want anything else critted just ask
\m/...\m/
..\\.O.//
......|....
...../.\... oh, yea thx for the crit
You are now blinking manually
#7
THESE LYRICS WERE AWESOME DUDE! WITH SOME MINOR CHANGES, THIS SONG COULD BE PROFESSIONAL! use this song dude, make it something big! i hope u like my ammendments

Look into my eyes, what can you see?
them burning with pain and agony
Your image a vivid ghost in my mind
As stinging waves of passion start to bind.....around me!


Saw your face again today
we talked, what did you say?
"Please don't hate me" staring through me with those eyes
How could I hate you...when you have saved me?

Chorus:
Well we just float on day after day
All I want, is to beg you to stay
This is my soul, wasting away
This is my soul, dont go today


thinking of your face, all i can do is cry
Trying to keep up this ruse
looking at the past now
i cant help but feel used


They said to give up on you
begin to start hating you too
The truth is i don't
I still have faith in you

Well we just float on day after day
All I want, is to beg you to stay
This is my soul, wasting away
This is my soul, it will never be ok

I see you and him
oh, how i wish to be him
To just hold you once more
To hear the words i used to live for

I find you yet again
I struggle to find the words to say
But you don't care anyways
You run off to be with him

Well we just float on day after day
All I want, is to beg you to stay
This is my soul, wasting away
This is my soul, longing for you today

I walk by and glance at you
I remember that thats the same way
i used to hold you too
Before my heart was torn to pieces....TORD TO PEICES

my stomachs burning too much to say
how i just want you here now
but the thing is i don't know how
it could ever be possible,
it will never be possible

This is my soul, another weak day
This is my soul, I miss you so much, please ****ing stay?
This is my soul, but you will always be with me, rotting life away


TAKE CARE!
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#8
try this for the chorus....

Well we just float on day after day
All I want, is for you to stay
This is my soul, and its wasting away
This is my soul, craving you today
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