#1
I haven't written in a long while, so if it sux, dont hold back one bit. it isnt quite finished, and i need u peeps to edit/ give crit or w/e u feel it needs. will crit 4 crit
o btw, these are metal lyrics, NOT emo, this is rather an interpretation of a certain event that id rather not disclose


The body strewn street
that meets my feet
crumbles to pieces
knowing the pain never eases
of an undermined generation
that fills me with a depressing sensation

I walk along this road of death
and I feel as though the dead never left
this world, of hate and destruction
of greed and corruption
and that they haunt us all
even as we get back up, after they fall

Why must we all suffer
and pay the dues of our fathers
When they left us at Worlds End
high and dry in shallow waters
My guitars:

Ibanez RG5EX1
Eleca Dread Acoustic
Dean ML

My FX: Line 6 Floor POD Plus

In the end, fact means nothing,
its all about perspective
Last edited by hobozach at Sep 29, 2007,
#2
to tell you the complete honest truth:

keep it the way it is it looks amazing.

crit mine?
Quote by bambi_slaughter

what sound does a baby make when you put it in a blender?
i dunno, i was to busy masturba ting.

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EVH. I saw him in concert. And his brother was seriously the worst bass player I've ever seen.

Quote by operation ktulu
if my guitar had a pussy, i would never leave my room
#3
to tell you the complete honest truth:

keep it the way it is it looks amazing.

crit mine?
Quote by bambi_slaughter

what sound does a baby make when you put it in a blender?
i dunno, i was to busy masturba ting.

Quote by maroon5mustdie
EVH. I saw him in concert. And his brother was seriously the worst bass player I've ever seen.

Quote by operation ktulu
if my guitar had a pussy, i would never leave my room
#4
I like the idea and the theme alot, i would just try to kinda mix up the rhyme scheme a little more unless your going for a certain kind of sound, but im not sure exactly what your lookin for as far as genre of rock. but its good as far as no forced rhymes and theres not really too much you i can say bad about it...good song
#5
aight if i have to spell it out, its metal, and it is NOT finished, as it says right before the song is shown...but thx for the crits, but still looking for more
My guitars:

Ibanez RG5EX1
Eleca Dread Acoustic
Dean ML

My FX: Line 6 Floor POD Plus

In the end, fact means nothing,
its all about perspective
#6
its pretty good-but it's not very subtle. that might be the point, in which case its cool. but i think that the words like death, dead, destruction, depressing lose impact when you use them so often...
sorry that sounds like i think its bad, so i'll say a few positive things as well; i like the emotion you get into it, esp the anger in the last stanza-the last metaphor (high and dry at world's end) is, i think, much more effective than repeating death etc

anway, something to think about...keep at this one!!
#7
Quote by hobozach
I haven't written in a long while, so if it sux, dont hold back one bit. it isnt quite finished, and i need u peeps to edit/ give crit or w/e u feel it needs. will crit 4 crit
o btw, these are metal lyrics, NOT emo, this is rather an interpretation of a certain event that id rather not disclose


The body strewn street
that meets my feet
crumbles to pieces
knowing the pain never eases
of an undermined generation
that fills me with a depressing sensation

This is a great verse, it has great flow to it.

I walk along this road of death
and I feel as though the dead never left
this world, of hate and destruction
of greed and corruption
and that they haunt us all
even as we get back up, after they fall

Only thing I see wrong with this stanza is the rhyme with destruction and corruption...it's a bit cliche', but once again, great flow to it.

Why must we all suffer
and pay the dues of our fathers
When they left us at Worlds End
high and dry in shallow waters

The message in this is a great end to the song, but they way you wrote it just seems to break the flow of the song.

..
#8
Quote by hobozach
I haven't written in a long while, so if it sux, dont hold back one bit. it isnt quite finished, and i need u peeps to edit/ give crit or w/e u feel it needs. will crit 4 crit
o btw, these are metal lyrics, NOT emo, this is rather an interpretation of a certain event that id rather not disclose


The body strewn street
that meets my feet
crumbles to pieces
knowing the pain never eases
of an undermined generation
that fills me with a depressing sensation

I love the imagery you've used in this verse, and the rhymes work well together. My only problem is that I'm having a hard time feeling the rythmn for this, but if you've got a good scheme for that, then it's all yours

I walk along this road of death
and I feel as though the dead never left
this world, of hate and destruction
of greed and corruption
and that they haunt us all
even as we get back up, after they fall

Great verse here. It feels like it's sort of trying to flow, but not quite getting it. Work on condensing the second line to the same number of syllables as the first and it'll work a lot better. Same thing goes as with the first stanza; if you've got a good rythmn scheme, more power to you

Why must we all suffer
and pay the dues of our fathers
When they left us at Worlds End
high and dry in shallow waters

This would make an awesome outtro or chorus; wherever you put it'll work great, IMO.


Good stuff overall; you've got some excellent imagery. A little work in the rythmn would make this piece a lot better, but, again, that's all up to you. If you're doing C4C, mine's "Thy Will Be Done" and I think it's on the first page.
#9
thx for the crits peeps, ill work at it, i was kinda making the lyrics to fit a song that my band's lead guitarist wrote, so, it kinda fits, but It could use a diff rhyme scheme, and i do kinda use the dead-death words too much, ill work at it thx for the crits
My guitars:

Ibanez RG5EX1
Eleca Dread Acoustic
Dean ML

My FX: Line 6 Floor POD Plus

In the end, fact means nothing,
its all about perspective
#10
I liked it, how much longer are you planning on making it?

I'd add a chorus...And I'm presuming theres a solo in there too? If not, I'd add both.

Crit mine?
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+1
I live by the method: 3 or less orange warning labels, and it's safe as a kitten


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EDIT: Sammcl pretty much got it dead on.