#1
Okay so Ive already posted this song but it was before i read the rules and i posted the title incorrectly so now Im reposting it the correct way. however, im not sure what kind of genre im making this yet, i kind of have an idea of it being an acoustic but if anybody else has an idea about what i can do with this i would appreciate it if you would let me know...thanks! and if you have any songs you want me to check out just leave a message about it

look into my eyes now
and tell me what you see
I see the reflection of an angel
starin back at me
an angel that has not yet learned to fly
cuz the weight of a demon holding her down
pullin her from the sky cryin
"when do angels learn to fyl?"

Destiny is callin for you
but your to far away
you've always gotten what you've wanted
so now your mad you dont got your way
please, just keep away
i'll never be what you need, i never was
and you know its not a lie
i guess we'll be together when
angels learn to fly

thoughts so misconcepted now
like the good man in the middle of the night
never understood
as these thoughts run wild through me
i was never right
so take two steps back now
your not doing me any good
i guess this is goodbye
guess i'll talk to you again if
angels learn to fly

just spread your wings now and fly away
fly away from me
separate yourself from all your pain
after your time you'll finally see
that i'm not the one to blame
as you always used to claim
but it will be too late
then you can look at me and cry
sayin:
this angels finally learned to fly
Last edited by zeppelin_freak0 at Dec 17, 2007,
#2
nice song, i like it, i really cant find much to say wrong about it, looking forward to seeing more ur sh*t...crit 4 crit???
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#3

This actually shows quite a talent of lyricism and rhyme etc. Not normally one for lyrics destined to be put to music but this caught my attention and I really like it




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#4
look into my eyes now
and tell me what you see
you'll see the reflection of an angel
starin back at me
This part doesn't really make sense. Shouldn't it say 'you'll see the reflection of an angel staring back at you'?
an angel that has not yet learned to fly
cuz the weight of a demon holding her down
pullin her from the sky cryin
"when do angels learn to fyl?"

Destiny is callin for you
but your to far away
you've always gotten what you've wanted
so now your mad you dont got your way This just isn't worded well.
please, just keep away
i'll never be what you need, i never was
and you know its not a lie
i guess we'll be together when
angels learn to fly

thoughts so misconcepted now
like the good man in the middle of the night
never understood
as these thoughts run wild through me
i was never right
so take two steps back now
your not doing me any good
i guess this is goodbye
guess i'll talk to you again if
angels learn to fly
Nothing extraordinary here.

just spread your wings now and fly away
fly away from me
separate yourself from all your pain
after your time you'll finally see
that i'm not the one to blame
as you always used to claim
but it will be too late
then you can look at me and cry
sayin:
this angels finally learned to fly
I rather like the concept in this last verse, I think it could be a fabulous ending and really make the song. But I think you could reword a few parts and just make it sound more solid


Overall, this sounds like it could be a very nice song. Good job.
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like they were mirrors.
#5
you used a pretty overworked topic of angels/flyin and you made it work pretty well,
some parts can eaisly be fixed over time with some work, mostly the ones ENIGMATIC pointed out. but i def. encurage you to keep worken on this one cause i could see it workin well. sry cant be more help, but other then some small flow tuch-ups and some re-wording i have nothing to say..

if youd like take a look at either my (workhorse) or even more apriciated (A rose in a Flame) if you give one of those a crit ill return your favor tonigh while im on.
#6
does anybody have an idea of what kind of genre i should make this? or if i should do electric, metal, alternative, acoustic,ect cuz i have no clue
#7
K, first of all, you have chosen a really, really cliche topic to write about. The whole 'fallen angel' or 'angel learning to fly' thing, so props if you can pull it off. But we'll see.

look into my eyes[space bar ]now
and tell me what you see
you'll see the reflection of an angel
starin back at me
an angel that has not yet learned to fly
cuz the weight of a demon holding her down
pullin her from the sky cryin
"when do angels learn to fyl?"

It's the demon thing. So cheesy. uhh. i assume you are talking about inner demons though? not actual demons? it's a cool concept, just try and find a less corny way of saying it. The last line reminds me of Chop Suey so much.

Destiny is callin for you
but your to far away
you've always gotten what you've wanted
so now your mad you dont got your way don't got your way? got?
please, just keep away
i'll never be what you need, i never was
and you know its not a lie
i guess we'll be together when
angels learn to fly

up until the last two lines i thought it was beautiful. especially lines 5-8. the angel thing just doesn't work for me.

thoughts so misconcepted now
like the good man in the middle of the night
never understood
as these thoughts run wild through me
i was never right
so take two steps back now
your you're not doing me any good
i guess this is goodbye
guess i'll talk to you again if
angels learn to fly

^ see above about the last line. lines 5-8 are great.


just spread your wings now and fly away
fly away from me
separate yourself from all your pain
after your time you'll finally see
that i'm not the one to blame
as you always used to claim
but it will be too late
then you can look at me and cry
sayin:
this angels finally learned to fly

It's beautiful. Really touching. So raw, i can feel the emotion in this. just the last line again kills it... sorry.

overall... great piece, with some nice lines and a cool concept, but too many cliche lines about angels flying.

that's just my take. crit mine? obsession. links in the sig. thanks
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#9
awsome song, ill be waiting to hear this i like the first like 8 lines, it reminds me of Chop Suey, and Still life ( Iron Maiden). Looks awsome man, keep it up
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#10
this song would be best rock/acoustic, perhaps get a women to sing it coz women generally sing about angels. eg - evanescene, nightwish etc.
metal doesnt like angel like songs
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#11
BluePaintCult:
definately not the kind of crit im asking for, i mean, it didnt help me in any form whatsoever, but thanks to everybody else you has helped me
#12
sounds pretty good. i liked it. some of it didnt flow IMO.

Thanks for the crit on mine
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#13
Quote by zeppelin_freak0


look into my eyes[space]now
and tell me what you see
you'll see the reflection of an angel
starin back at me
an angel that has not yet learned to fly
cuz the weight of a demon holding her down
pullin her from the sky cryin
"when do angels learn to fyl?"
this had a lot of potential, but to be honest I dont think much was achieved here. each line has something special to offer but it all needs some work. lines 1 and 2 were good to start off with. lines 3 and 4 didn't really make sense to me. Maybe if you changed it to "I see..." but it just doesn't work with person number two seeing you in the "mirror." good idea about the reflection in the eyes though. angels flying is kind of cliche, to say the least. i don't like the word "cuz," in line 6. Cuz, or cause, doesn't hold much meaning in it at all to me. try and find a better word, or just get rid of it altogether. i didn't like the last line. like the other guys said, very Chop Suey, and very cliche. good ideas executed mediocrely. sort them out and make them both great.

Destiny is callin for you
but your to far away
you've always gotten what you've wanted
so now your mad you dont got your way
please, just keep away
i'll never be what you need, i never was
and you know its not a lie
i guess we'll be together when
angels learn to fly
this is me being a nit pick but I hate reading lyrics when the author leaves off the letter G at the end of the word. Destiny calling is cliche. line 4 needs a lot of work. it is phrased rather awkwardly. try rewording. the idea is good it just fumbles off the tongue a bunch. i like lines 6-8 but again, angels flying. lose that and cap off a good second stanza.

thoughts so misconcepted now
like the good man in the middle of the night
never understood
as these thoughts run wild through me
i was never right
so take two steps back now
your not doing me any good
i guess this is goodbye
guess i'll talk to you again if
angels learn to fly
i dont get how line 2 relates to the rest of the stanza. it seems out of place to me. i like line 4. very good. again, good lines before the end. bad closing line. this part is the best so far, with a few small discrepencies.

just spread your wings now and fly away
fly away from me
separate yourself from all your pain
after your time you'll finally see
that i'm not the one to blame
as you always used to claim
but it will be too late
then you can look at me and cry
sayin:
this angels finally learned to fly

dont like line 1. the rest of this stanza is good. some strange flow in the middle, easily worked out though. didn't like the last line. how unexpected. i take back what I said before and I say now that this is the best part of the song. it's got more emotion and passion in it than the rest. good work here, tighten it up though. look for less cliche ways to get your point across. i can't wait to see this if/when you revise it. be sure to let me know. thanks so much for the crit on mine happy writing.
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#14
I think it is true that the topic is overused, consequently I find it hard to really get into this song. The lyrics are fine, and it reads of the page perfectly, I also like that this is going to be acoustic; you could easily have made this some kind of metal song (maybe you will oneday). So to sum up, I did like it, but have heard the theme before.
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#15
ok, this is some of it edited now, check it out if you would...thanks

look into my eyes now
and tell me what you see
I see the reflection of an angel
starin back at me
an angel that has not yet learned to fly
due to the weight of a demon holding her down
pullin her from the sky cryin
"when do angels learn to fyl?"

Destiny is calling for your attention
but your to far away
you've always gotten what you've wanted
I know its not easy when you dont have your way
please, just keep away
i'll never be what you need, i never was
and you know its not a lie
i guess we'll be together when
i decide to give you another try

thoughts so misconcepted now
like the good man in the middle of the night
never understood
as these thoughts run wild through me
i was never right
so take two steps back now
your not doing me any good
save your goodbye
guess i'll talk to you again if
i discover a reason why

just spread your wings now and fly away
fly away from me
separate yourself from all your pain
after your time you'll finally see
that i'm not the one to blame
as you always used to claim
but it will be too late
then you can look at me and cry
sayin:
this angels finally learned to fly
#16
The whole 'angel learn to fly' topic is very clichéed, I'm afraid. I know what you're trying to say with this song but when you use this kind of metaphore (that has been used so many times) the whole meaning of the song just get buried in a pile of clichés and it sounds pretty much like everything else. Maybe it's just me, but I very easily get put off by themes like these. It definitely had some good lines, but overall it just didn't do it for me (almost solely due to the angel-thing). Sorry.
#18
man every song you write is awesome, just my kinda song, this is such an interesting song, not a thing is wrong with at all, you have amazing imagery, and lines that just make you say wow, after, i'll never be what you need, i never was
and you know its not a lie
i guess we'll be together when
angels learn to fly that line does it for me, it kinda reminds me of somthing morrison would write that kinda style anyways great work man,
#19
this is amazing
im speechless
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#20
I Lol'd Because Eye Snow Sounds Funny =)
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#22
I think this song has really good potential. you guys all say it is (a bit of) a cliche and i think it is.... in some sort of way. but every song as a reason. you also write for yourself. allways remember that. the hole angels learning to fly thing is indeed a bit corny but it has been used before because it is a metafore that we all can relate to. if you want to change it that's fine. great even. but change it because you found something better or because you don't feel it's saying what you wanted it to say. but NEVER change something like this because other people say so or because it has allready been done. because if you do you're going to put something there that says the same thing when you reed those lines apart but changes the entire meaning of the song.

i also would reconmend to do this on a acoustic guitar with a warm sound and make it in the style acoustic rock. also this song is realy good for building up energy into the music. this is a bit vage if you don't know what i mean listen to stairway to heaven this song builds up.

i hope this crit has helped, you or made you smile at least o one more thing i could have made a lot of grammar mistakes but forgive me i'm only dutch:P
greetz
Angelus
#26
look into my eyes now
and tell me what you see
nice way to start out the song i think iv seen it used before or something like that but thats alright
I see the reflection of an angel
starin back at me
I dont get how ppl dont see what ur trying to say lol I took it as shes looking into your eyes and seeing herself right?
an angel that has not yet learned to fly
due to the weight of a demon holding her down
pullin her from the sky cryin
"when do angels learn to fyl?"
awesome 1st v


Destiny is calling for your attention
but your to far away
you've always gotten what you've wanted
I know its not easy when you dont have your way
please, just keep away
i'll never be what you need, i never was
and you know its not a lie
i guess we'll be together when
i decide to give you another try
so far ur doing a real good job of staying in the same area and not saying the samething twice

thoughts so misconcepted now
like the good man in the middle of the night
never understood
as these thoughts run wild through me
i was never right
so take two steps back now
your not doing me any good
save your goodbye
guess i'll talk to you again if
i discover a reason why

just spread your wings now and fly away
fly away from me
separate yourself from all your pain
after your time you'll finally see
that i'm not the one to blame
as you always used to claim
but it will be too late
then you can look at me and cry
sayin:
this angels finally learned to fly
wow dude u cant finish a much stronger than that

alright first off amazing job on the whole thing i like how you didnt have a C instead more of a main idea as for where to go for music id say for sure go with acousitic i dont think the song would sound right anyother way for sure amazing job im looking forward to seeing more of your writings
#27
Horribly cliched and corny to me. I'm sorry, but a decent attempt, just try and word things you're trying to convey differently. This comes across as very cheesy and I agree with the other people on here, the whole "angels learning to fly" aspect is overdone. Keep on writing though
#28
Some genuinly good lines ruined by a cringe-worthy ending to each stanza.

Dump the angels flying, man, it sucks ass.
#29
ok...but if i delete the angels learning to fly i basically delete the song as a result, the angels is the theme, i understand you've heard it before, but i dont believe its overused, but i guess thats up for debate and opinion, thanks again so far everybody