#1
Together we were,
Friends since birth.
And the value of that,
Is an immeasurable worth.

We frolicked and played,
On the hot summer days.
And on the cold winter nights,
We enjoyed fires ablaze.

Yes, friends we were,
And nothing more.
However there was something,
That I was longing for.

I felt it was time,
To go even further.
However, the courage,
I just couldn’t gather.

And so on we went,
Associates in life.
Yet, I knew what I wanted,
You as my wife.

My feelings I hid,
Afraid of your response.
I always thought your feelings of me,
Were only nuance.

Finally it came,
My courage inside.
I confessed to you,
That my heart you hog-tied.

Stunned you were,
The bluntness of my words.
However, your reply,
Hurt more than many swords.

In love you were,
With another man.
He was the muscular type,
Whose skin was tan.

My heart, its pain,
Took a toll on my mind.
I asked myself,
“How could I have been blind?

I was her friend,
The closest one.
Yet, I never noticed,
Her heart had already been won.”

And so this note I leave,
Upon the corner of your bed.
Is the story of a broken man,
Emotionally dead.


Ok, not sure if I used nuance correctly or not. Hog-tied in this does not mean to tie one up by their feet, but to leave one defenseless. And yes, that words and swords rhyme was pushing it.

All SA fans may notice this goes partially along the basics of Shamandalie. For those unfamiliar with the band and this song:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=T5AJW0j0urA
Last edited by Jabman at Oct 1, 2007,
#2
Man, she knew you liked her all along and enjoyed that fact. It made her feel worthy, beautiful, and gave her the confidence to win the other guy. Not to take away from some great times you both shared but be honest. All those times you really never enjoyed fully. You couldn't. The thoughts of you and her together were never far from your mind and never allowed you any kind of lasting peace. Just calling it how I see it. I kind of been there before. If I am wrong, call me an presumptious ass. Your poem was real.
#3
Not exactly based off a real incident that happened to me, but it is actually a somewhat common incident that happens. But that's the beauty of poetry, it can make you relate to things and make you feel great, or it can make you feel sad. It's all about what the poet wants to convey.
Last edited by Jabman at Sep 30, 2007,
#4
That was a nice simplistic piece. With a message I'm sure many people with relate to. The rhyming got kind of la de da to me though, sort of reminded me of Dr.Seuss once I was finished.

And there were a few different lines that just didn't seem to fit in as well as everything else, but I'm not really sure of what to suggest;
Quote by Jabman
And so on we went,
Associates in life.
Yet, I knew what I wanted,
You as my wife.

My feelings I hid,
Afraid of your response.
I always thought your feelings of me,
Were only nuance.

My heart, it’s pain,
Took a toll on my mind.
i look down at my hands,
like they were mirrors.
#5
man this sounds like a painful song...i hope thats not a true story, if it is im sorry, but good song, sometimes songs can be a way of theropy cant they? and your words in this song were strong, words that can relate to people, i think in some way many of us can relate to this, good song man, very nice flow. if you wouldnt mind, could you check mine out.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=681879
#6
Quote by ENIGMATIC.
That was a nice simplistic piece. With a message I'm sure many people with relate to. The rhyming got kind of la de da to me though, sort of reminded me of Dr.Seuss once I was finished.

And there were a few different lines that just didn't seem to fit in as well as everything else, but I'm not really sure of what to suggest;


The only thing that didn't fly well with me was the fourth stanza.


And I think this is a little.... more.... sad than Dr. Seuss
#7
Well yes, I didn't mean in the concept. Just in the rhyme.
i look down at my hands,
like they were mirrors.
#8
Oh, I see a mistake.... it's instead of its.... crap *goes to edit*
#9
Quote by ENIGMATIC.
Well yes, I didn't mean in the concept. Just in the rhyme.

Made a few changes sooo.