Page 1 of 3
#1
Feel Free To Post...Everyone Loves A Good Laugh =]

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'


A blonde with two burnt ears goes to the doctor, who asks what has happened.
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other one?"
"They called back."


A blonde is overweight so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days," he tells her. "Then skip a day and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly four stone. "Why that's amazing," the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger you mean?" Asks the doctor.
"No," replies the blonde, "from skipping."

Three nuns are killed in a car crash and go up to heaven. Peter, at the gates says "I have to ask you all a question to make sure youre committed. The first nun says okay fire away. "How many desciples did jesus have?"...Oh thats easy, she says, 12
"Okay, youre in"
"Okay nun 2, who were the two first people made?"
"Hah, adam and eve!" She replies
Nun three comes over to him
He says "Ill have to make things a bit trickier for you so...Wht did eve say when she first met adam?
The nun thinks for a bit "Oooh this is a hard one"
"Okay," he replies "Youre through"
#2
A woman walks into a top floor pub and sees a really good looking bloke
sitting at the bar. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

He says, "Magic Bitter."
She thinks he's a bit of a tripper, so she walks around the pub.

After realising that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar.
She says, "That isn't really Magic Bitter, is it?"
He says, "Yes, I'll show you." So, he takes a gulp of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around
the building 3 times, and comes back into the window.
She can't believe it. She says to him, "I bet you can't do that again."
So, he takes another drink of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies
around the building 3 times, and comes back in the window. She is
amazed. She says that she wants a Magic Bitter. So the bloke says to the
bartender "Give her a pint of what I'm having."
She gets her pint, takes a gulp, jumps out the window, plummets 30
stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies.

The bartender looks up at the bloke and says,

"Superman, you're such a tosser when you're pissed."
HADOUKEN!! Click For UG's Street Fighter Group

Quote by synpet713192

I'd never seen you around until very recently, but this and the other pic have caused me to worship you
#3
A drunk man walks home from the bar, when he sees a nun walking on the other side of the road. He runs towards her and knocks her down, then proceeding to hit her in the face. When he is finished he looks down at the wreck that once was a nun....


"Not so tough now are you, batman?"


Yeah.. my humor sucks, but I lol'd 'couse the Batman thing got me completely off guard
...And the worms ate into his brain.
#4
Women's rights.
The will to neither strive nor cry,
The power to feel with others give.
Calm, calm me more; nor let me die
Before I have begun to live.

-Matthew Arnold

Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
#5
Quote by Dinkydaisy
Women's rights.

.... coming from a woman? Hurrah
I give you 2 e-cookies....
Quote by DrkNTwstd
darkangel, you are a smart man. no flame shield is necessary.


Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore"
#6
This is one of Bill Baileys

"Three men walk into a bar, one of them's a bit stupid. Events unfold with a tedious sense of inevitability."
#7
3 musicians and a drummer walk into a bar...

(I don't have anything against drummers, I just thought it was funny ^_^)
#8
Its a bit racist but its funny:

Theres this man who loves bus's , so he buys a double decker bus and gets a driver to drive him around in it.
So he gets in the bus goes and sits at the back on the top floor, about 5 min in he feels a bump so he goes down and says "what was that?" and the driver says "i ran over a dog, sorry sir" so the man replys "Its ok just dont do it again".
So the man goes back upstairs to the back and feels a bump again, so he goes downstairs and asks the driver " What was that?" the driver replies "Sorry i ran over a cat", the man replies "Just watch where your driving".
He goes back up stairs, gets to the back when he feels 2 bumps, he goes downstairs and says "What happend?" the driver replies "I ran over a paki", the man says "What was the other bump, the driver replies "I had to go up the curb to get him"

This is a old one but its funny all the same:

Theres a English man, a Irish man, a American and a mexican in a plane and the plane starts to fall. So the English man says "We need to lose weight, four of us need to jump out", so the Irish man says "For Ireland!!" and jumps out, then the English man says "For England!!!" and jumps out, then the American shouts "For the Alamo!!!" and throws the Mexican out.
Manchester United
#9
Two nuns: Sister Mathematical and Sister Logical were walking back to the local convent where they lived. The conversation and unfolding of events went something like this:

Sister Mathematical: Sister Logical, there is a man following us. At this rate, he shall reach us in 15 minutes. What should we do?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing: Walk faster.

*they go faster*

Sister Mathematical: He's still pursuing. At this rate, he shall reach us in 5 mins. What should we do?

Sister Logical: Well, he did the only logical thing, walked faster too. We shall do the only logical thing: Split up.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent safely and, after an additional hour, Sister Logical returns with a rather disheartened look on her face. Conversation follows.

SM: What happened, Sister?
SL: Well, he could not follow both of us so he did the only logical thing and followed me
SM: Oh no! What happened then?
SL: Well i did the only logical thing and broke into a run
SM: What happened then?
SL: The only logical thing, he ran faster.
SM: Oh no, What happened?
SL: The only logical thing: He caught me
SM: Oh my lord! What happened then?
SL: I did the only logical thing. I pulled my skirt up
SM: Oh no? You didn't! What then happened?
SL: The only logical thing, he pulled down his pants.
SM: What happened then?!!
SL: Isn't it logical?! A nun with her skirt up can run a lot faster than a man with his pants down.

And you thought this was a dirty joke!


*********************************************************************

12 blondes and one man were hanging from a helicopter after a pilot's technical error had sent the helicopter into a dangerous and unavoidable tailspin. There were shouts from the cockpit as the pilot declared that in order to reverse the tailspin and return the helicopter to it's course, one person would have to let go.

The man then declared that he would sacrifice his life for the others as he had lived a life of persecution and exploitation under an unmerciful wife that dominated him forcefully and had controlled his every move and used him on a daily basis for personal gain and monetary exploitation and that he would let go so that he could escape this life and show his wife that he will not be the one who was remembered for his spinelessness rather for his courage and good will.

As soon as he finished, all the blondes started clapping.

**********************************************************************

A man descended down the stairs one faithful morning to see his beloved wife cooking eggs for him. She turned and smiled lovingly at him and whispered "good morning" in an appreciative voice. All of a sudden, he screamed "LOOK OUT, THE EGGS ARE BURNING, YOU HAVEN'T GOT ENOUGH BUTTER, THE MILK IS OUT OF THE FRIDGE, OH GOD, YOU HAVE TO KEEP IT WARM! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!?! YOU'RE SETTING THE COOKTOP TOO HIGH?! OH ****, YOU'RE BURNING IT, YOU'RE BURNING IT, ARE YOU CRAZY?! YOU SHOULDN'T BE COOKING. LET ME DO IT NEXT TIME. LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!"

The wife turned to him and said " I try to cook you a wonderful breakfast without expecting any reimbursement or anything in return and wake up early just to please you and this is how you repay me. You're so insensitive. Care to explain yourself?"

He opens his mouth calmly and says "Now you know what it;s like when I'm driving."
Quote by dannyniceboy
I consider myself to be really intelligent and I've gotten into a fight coz this kid thought it was nasty to put sour cream on enchiladas.


Quote by Minkaro
The fact that I went TOO high singing a Darkness song on Singstar


DARK RED TEAM
#10
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are following a criminal, and they have to spend the night outside.

As they lie on the ground, Sherlock looks up at the stars and says
"Watson, take a look at the night sky and tell my what you can deduce"
"I see millions of distant stars, which are other worlds, maybe even some like our own, with intelligent life..."
"Watson, you idiot. Someone's stolen our tent!"
#11
What do you call a fart in a gay bar?


A love call
Guitar rig
Schecter C-1 Classic
Boss GT-8
Mesa 50/50 Power Amp
Avatar G212H 2x12 Cab

Synth Rig
M-Audio Oxygen 61
Creative Sound Blaster X-Fi Elite Pro
Reason 4.0
FL Studio 8
#13
Why Men Have Better Friends

Women's Friends:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The husband called his wife's ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about.

Men's Friends:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
___________________________________________________________


One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

________________________________________________

Karen had lost her husband four years prior and was having trouble moving on. Her daughter repeatedly urged her to return back to the world. Finally, Karen agreed to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter knew just the person for her.

They fell in love and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was naked.

"Why the black panties?" he asked.

She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night. The following night, same scenario. There she stood with the black panties on, only now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"

He replied "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

-------------------------------------


There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big ****ing deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
#14
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?


A fish
I wanna grow up to be a debaser
#15
This is a cyber sex conversation...do voices with it for full effect.

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black leather mini skirt and high heeled boots. I am tanned and very buffed. I workout everyday. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3 and about 250 lb. I wear glasses and have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I'm also wearing an old T-shirt, it's got some barbecue sauce stains on it and it smells kind of funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my nightstand. I look up into your eyes and I'm smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and I begin to feel your huge swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now, I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and I'm sliding it softly off.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off of my warm body. I'm rubbing your bulge faster now, rubbing and pulling.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and tears a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's, OK. It wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it! I'm wearing a lacy black bra, my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp of your bra, I think it's stuck. Do you have scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly, I reach behind my back and undo the clasp. My bra slides off. The cool air caresses my breasts, my nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off of my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking your sopping wet blouse from you and throwing it in the corner of the room.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman! Your hands are cold! Yeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out and nibbling on you. ummm, wait a second.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Is there anything I can do to help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen. Choking wildly. Looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups??

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink!

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm aching for you lover.

Wellhung: Now I'm drying the cup. I'm putting it back in the cabinet and now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait it's dark, I'm lost. Where is the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: I kiss you passionately. Our naked bodies pressed against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take your glasses off?

Wellhung: OK. But I can't see very well. I'm placing my glasses on the nightstand.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly to the bathroom

Sweetheart: Hurry back lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet and lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle.......uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I just realized I peed in your hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bed now. Blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: Now I'm going to put my, you know, thing in your umm, woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, Baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. Ma'am, I'm having a little problem here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth. I can't wait another second. Slide it in! Screw me!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I'm looking for my glasses to see what the problem is.

Sweetheart: NO! Never mind. I'm getting dressed, I'm putting on my underwear and my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait. I can't find the night table. I'm reaching across the dresser, knocking off cans of hairspray, your picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: Now I've found my glasses. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain! The curtain is on fire. I'm pointing at it with a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, LOSER!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Nooooooo!

USER 'SWEETHEART' HAS LOGGED OFF
#19
The Ku Klux Klan kidnapped a black man then give him a dice to throw.
They said if he throws a 1,2,3,4 or 5 he will be shot.
He said what if I get a 6 ?
They said "you get another throw"

In todays news, Police in Alabama found the body of black man, hanging from the tree, his arms and legs had been cut off, he'd been set on fire and shot seven times.
The Sheriff said it was the worst suicide he'd ever seen!
#20
Why did the robot cross the road?

Cause he was carbon bonded to the chicken!

Quote by Les_Frederiksen
PlayMadness, you give me hope for mankind.

Quote by Darksucker
PlayMadness - Jesus 2.0

Quote by genghisgandhi
Society's doing great. There's a rise of people like PlayMadness. I feel pretty good about the way things are going.
#21
Renault have announced they're launcing a new model, featuring enough room in the backseat for a child's body, it'll be called the Renault McCann.

----------------------------------

Where do female pilots sit?

The Cuntpit

--------------------------

A young black man went out to a club, and after a while a girl caught his eye, one thing led to another and they were back at her house getting down to buisness, and she tugged on his belt and whispered in his ear ''So, you want to show me if it's true what they say about black men?''

So he stabbed her and took her wallet.

--------------------------------

What's the difference between Madeline McCann and a tan?

The tan waits until the holiday is over to disappear.
#22
Quote by Dinkydaisy
Women's rights.


This is the second time I've seen you make a sexist comment against your own sex. Traitor.

Anyways...

I got nothing right now.
#23
A blonde moves in a lost village in the middle of nowhere. When she gets there she wants to send a letter to her mom so she goes to see the mailman.

Blonde: Mr. Mailman can you send this letter to my mother?
Mailman: Ok it will cost you 2$.
Blonde: I dont have that money on me.
Mailman: Come and see me later
Blonde: But I really need to send this letter right now! I'do anything to communicate with my mom!!!!
Mailman: Anything?
Blonde: (sexy voice) Anything....
Mailman: Ok then follow me.

They go toghether somewhere where they can stay alone. The mailman pulls down his pants

Mailman: Now go you know what to do.

Blonde: You promise I can communicate with my mom?

Mailman: Promise.

The blonde grabs his dick and puts it close to her mouth

Blonde: MOM! MOM! DO YOU HEAR ME????
#24
Quote by Alix_D
Renault have announced they're launcing a new model, featuring enough room in the backseat for a child's body, it'll be called the Renault McCann.


my side hurts
#25
Quote by Alix_D
Renault have announced they're launcing a new model, featuring enough room in the backseat for a child's body, it'll be called the Renault McCann.

#26
This is on my profile. may as well share.


Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
Let's see the results...


"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything


A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.


"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "


Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls


"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"


The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.


He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.


He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.


"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang


Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.


'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.
#28
Quote by wiggyisgreat
This is on my profile. may as well share.


Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
Let's see the results...


"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything


A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.


"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "


Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls


"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"


The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.


He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.


He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.


"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang


Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.


'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.


ZOMG!!!!!! that is the funniest thing EVEEEEEEEER!!!!!



me^ ^SLASH


JIMMY PAGE
ADRIAN SMITH
DAVE MURRAY
#29
i cant believe im the first to post one of these jokes.

the director was originally going to cast Chuck Norris for the part of the Terminator but then he realized hed just be doing a documentary.

oh yeah, Chuck Norris jokes ftw! keep em coming
#30
when chuck norris falls in lake chuck doesnt get wet...the water gets chuck norris!
just so i dont have to edit every post i make, let me clarify something I CANT TYPE WELL....thanks
#31
chuck norris CAN believe its not butter!!!!!



me^ ^SLASH


JIMMY PAGE
ADRIAN SMITH
DAVE MURRAY
#32
Omg i literally laughed my ass off at the harry potter thing! I have no ass right now.


edit: Oh and chuck norris counted to infinity.....


......twice.
#33
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity.

Twice.

Damn Chuck Norris

/shoots self


EDIT::: WHAT THE HELL BASTARD!!!!!!!
#34
it is said that everytime a person masterbates god kills a kitten...
every time god masterbates, chuck kills a LION!!!!!



me^ ^SLASH


JIMMY PAGE
ADRIAN SMITH
DAVE MURRAY
#35
Quote by pancakes
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity.

Twice.

Damn Chuck Norris

/shoots self


EDIT::: WHAT THE HELL BASTARD!!!!!!!



lol was that edit directed at me?
#36
One time, Hellen Keller got so angry about something that she screamed her hands off.
Quote by Grimme
I know plenty believe me. I've seen both Avenged Sevenfold and Bullet For My Valentine live, so don't tell me I don't know my metal.


www.myspace.com/awkwardsilencemusic
#37
What do you call a nerd, who, in his ongoing effort to impress girls, studies up on the captain of the Federation Starship NCC-1701D, only to find that the girls think he is a loser for doing so?

Hoisted by his own Picard

What do you call a black person who flies a plane?

A pilot.
#38
A pedophile and a boy walk into the woods. The boy turns to the pedophile and says "I'm afraid, this forest is dark and scary". The pedophile responds with "You think this is scary? I have to walk back alone"

Did you hear Kurt Cobain was on the tv? And the wall, and the chesterfield...

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?
Screwed.

What do you get when you cut a baby with a straight razor?
An erection.
#39
Quote by TimmyPage06
What do you get when you cut a baby with a straight razor?
An erection.



ROFLMAO thats amazing.

Whats the difference between a BMW and a pile of dead babies?


There isn't a BMW in my driveway.
Page 1 of 3