#1
This is just a song a wrote about a month ago (my first song), and I just feel like sharing it. It sorta holds a sentimental value to me, and i just wrote it on the spot, so I don't plan on editing it, I just wanna see what you guys think of it


"Enjoy It While It Lasts"

[Verse 1]
I miss that smell when
I was with you
Hangin' out after school, yea
I miss that too
But I can't be greedy, I
I had my chance
And I had a ton of fun at that
Homecoming dance

[Chorus]
Enjoy it while it lasts
Cuz it might go by fast
Hold her hand and stroke her hair
Cuz soon she might not be there
Cuddle up and watch a movie
Before she turns off the TV
Make it just be "me and you"
And she still might say "I love you 2"

[Verse 2]
I don't know how I lost a girl
So sweet as you
Your face always cheered me up and I
Tried to do the same for you
But it's not the same anymore
I guess your feelings have changed
I just hope you feel happy now thats all I
Ever wanted for you anyway

[Chrous]

[Bridge]
You're the reason I woke up every morning
Without you life will be very boring
Long walks, huggin', kissin', it's all gone now; The
Girl I truly cared for has left me alone; If
This is how you want it I don't wana change your mind
I'm just sorry that I wasted your time
One more thing then I'll let you be; My
Time with you has been the best of my life

[Chorus]
Quote by Seryaph
You need to douse it in a 20/30/50 ratio of mustard/ketchup/horseradish and stroke it as fast as you can untill the mayonaise squirts out. Then consume.
#2
I love this song, it's somthing people can realy relate to...well it least i can anyway, brought back some memories for me, and thats what you realy want out of a song, somthing the listener (or reader) can connect with, and just realy...feel the song, doesn't make much sense, but it's hard to explaing...anyway, great song.
#3
Thanks for the compliment man, I'm glad that it sort of evoked an emotion in you, that's why I want to write songs, to share my feelings with other people
Quote by Seryaph
You need to douse it in a 20/30/50 ratio of mustard/ketchup/horseradish and stroke it as fast as you can untill the mayonaise squirts out. Then consume.
#4
this is real good. i agree, i can relate too. (only opposite, i'm a girl ) the only thing i didn't like was in verse two, the last two lines. i like what you're trying to get across, but it just doesn't seem to fit the way you have it now. it might be better as:

I just hope you're happy; that's
all I wanted for you anyway

but still the anyway just doesn't seem to fit because of the rhyme scheme...but sung i don't think it would be that big of a deal . goooood job. could you crit blink? it's in my sig.
#5
Quote by Cyclones41
it might be better as:

I just hope you're happy; that's
all I wanted for you anyway


Thanks, I will keep that advice in mind
Quote by Seryaph
You need to douse it in a 20/30/50 ratio of mustard/ketchup/horseradish and stroke it as fast as you can untill the mayonaise squirts out. Then consume.
#6
Quote by hothead69999
This is just a song a wrote about a month ago (my first song), and I just feel like sharing it. It sorta holds a sentimental value to me, and i just wrote it on the spot, so I don't plan on editing it, I just wanna see what you guys think of it


"Enjoy It While It Lasts"

[Verse 1]
I miss that smell when
I was with you
Hangin' out after school, yea
I miss that too
But I can't be greedy, I
I had my chance
And I had a ton of fun at that
Homecoming dance
I like this stanza. It reminds me of a lot of my high school relationships. easily relatable. The only thing I can point out here is line 7 felt really long to me. The way I was singing it there was too many syllables. I could be singing it wrong, but it might be easier/sound clearer if you too out a few syllables. good job though. i really like this first verse. so innocent sounding.

[Chorus]
Enjoy it while it lasts
Cuz it might go by fast
Hold her hand and stroke her hair
Cuz soon she might not be there
Cuddle up and watch a movie
Before she turns off the TV
Make it just be "me and you"
And she still might say "I love you 2"
I dont really see how line 6 fits in here. It gives me a redundant feeling because the line before talks about movies. it fits the rhyme but that's not what songs should be made for was to fit rhymes. play with it a little, I just think it feels out of place here. the rest is good, carrying on that innocent feeling I got from it before. definitely write out the words though. words like "'cause," and "too," are more appealing to read than Cuz and 2. me being nit picky. no worries. I like all the things you talk about here, like holding her hand and playing with her hair. all positive vibes even though i feel the meaning of this chorus is kind of a downer.

[Verse 2]
I don't know how I lost a girl
So sweet as you
Your face always cheered me up and I
Tried to do the same for you
But it's not the same anymore
I guess your feelings have changed
I just hope you feel happy now thats all I
Ever wanted for you anyway
I like the first four lines a lot. very good. Line 5 feels vague. I don't like starting off lines with "but." it lacks creativity I think and also throws the reader in the middle of something. also, anymore feels funky at the end of that line. again, possibly the way I'm singing it, but I still don't know how I feel about it. Line 7 and 8 have a weird flow about them. They don't really fit the meter of the rest of this stanza. maybe if you reworded them a little bit. good job though, good emotion in this part.

[Chrous]

[Bridge]
You're the reason I woke up every morning
Without you life will be very boring
Long walks, huggin', kissin', it's all gone now; The
Girl I truly cared for has left me alone; If
This is how you want it I don't wana change your mind
I'm just sorry that I wasted your time
One more thing then I'll let you be; My
Time with you has been the best of my life
line 1 and 2 feel very forced, especially line 2. lines 3 and 4 dont rhyme like the rest of the aabbccdd pattern. the rest of this seems good, although the lines are a lot longer than the other lines in the beginning of the song. I don't know how you plan to sing them, but I'm sure you'll figure it out.

[Chorus]


well done. I like this piece a lot. I just read now that you don't plan to change anything, but that's okay. It's pretty good however you want to do it, whether edit or not, It will sound pretty good. thanks for the crit on mine. happy writing
Quote by TonyRandall

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#7
Quote by DrkNTwstd
well done. I like this piece a lot. I just read now that you don't plan to change anything, but that's okay. It's pretty good however you want to do it, whether edit or not, It will sound pretty good. thanks for the crit on mine. happy writing


Actually, I may change some minor things, just not editing like a whole line

Thx for the advice
Quote by Seryaph
You need to douse it in a 20/30/50 ratio of mustard/ketchup/horseradish and stroke it as fast as you can untill the mayonaise squirts out. Then consume.