#1
Ok, so me and my band had a bit of a dry spell of songs to write. Then one day the guitarist comes up to me with this huge idea. A war. Not a great idea, to be honest. But then he describes all this stuff like how we can compare this one army to Satan, Doves flying over the battlefield and then a role reversal at the end. I thought the (initial) idea was a pretty cool one, well worth a little play around with. We are planning on modifying this song possibly, and would want any ideas how to possibly edit it first. So tell me what you think.

White Birds
I stand here with broken sight,
They stand there without a light,
They lunge at me, drowning away my life,
The people to whom I owe this plight.

Satan's there, he's laughing,
We are here, we're bawling,
Satan's there, he's lashing,
We are here, we're falling...

We advance strongly with haste,
Look to the sky, there's a white bird,
Time to lay waste to this waste...

Satan's there, he's laughing,
We are here, we're bawling,
Satan's there, he's lashing,
We are here, we're falling...

They just stand without words,
They know they're gonna die,
Look to the sky, there’s no white birds,
We shoot, the vision's blurred.

Satan's there, he's laughing,
We are here, we're bawling,
Satan's there, he's lashing,
We are here, we're falling...

We're here, we're laughing,
They are there, they're bawling,
We're here, we're lashing,
They are there, they're falling...
Last edited by troden93 at Sep 30, 2007,
#2
BTW people the riff to this begins Soft Rock and gradually gets harder, reaching a heavy drum solo just before verse 3 (They just stand without words) and the song begins to get softer again after verse 3 ends. The guitar is generally as with the drums, hard and soft, except this stays soft during verse 3. The drums cut out for outro (which is basically chorus with words switched around) and we are left with just a soft guitar riff.
#3
hellooo any1? this is my first song and i want any crits that you can give and what you like bout it
#4
i like the first and third verses alot, the imagery happens to be just the way i tend to like and write myself, a style of vagueness that portrays the situation but allows the listener to percieve his/her own interpretation. The last line of you chorus is nice to, but in my opinion i would find another way to go with the Satan referance, personally i think such a direct referance detracts from the song. But as with all things in music, everyone has their own way of expressing themselves, this is just my opinion
#5
I stand here with broken sight,
They stand there without a light,
They lunge at me, drowning away my life,
The people to whom I owe this plight.
(it’s a pretty good start your vision has been smashed by them not being able to see how you do, that’s why they have no light, not bad start)

Satan's there, he's laughing,
We are here, we're bawling,
Satan's there, he's lashing,
We are here, we're falling...
(I really love this part, I feel that the first part of a line is sung by the vocalist, then the second is backing, sounds great in my head love it)

We advance strongly with haste,
Look to the sky, there's a white bird,
Time to lay waste to this waste...
(Maybe take this out, and it would sound great)

Satan's there, he's laughing,
We are here, we're bawling,
Satan's there, he's lashing,
We are here, we're falling...

They just stand without words,
They know they're gonna die,
Look to the sky, there’s no white birds,
We shoot, the vision's blurred.
(feel the last line stunts the flow)

Satan's there, he's laughing,
We are here, we're bawling,
Satan's there, he's lashing,
We are here, we're falling...

We're here, we're laughing,
They are there, they're bawling,
We're here, we're lashing,
They are there, they're falling..
(Love the change at the end)

Ok so it’s a pretty decent song, I feel you could choose words slightly better and use flow a bit better and it might be really good, keep on rockin dude J
The Ripper

Oh the songs Jim, the songs, they'd melt your face!