#1
crit for crit. this is my 'moving on' poem. been in a block for a month or so... hopefully this gets me out.

obsession pt. 1

it was like a scene from a movie. the light
of a universe exploding mirrored in her eyes,
and she spoke a surrender so faintly that
if i hadn’t been completely lost in her
i might have missed it. but i didn’t, and as
each word echoed through me like a dream i
tore out my heart and gave it to her. as i
watched her take it with trembling fingertips,
i could have sworn i saw a solitary tear fall
from her cheek, then, as each beat signified
the coming end, she whispered...
i love you.


obsession pt. 2

i fell. and as each second turned into an
infinity and each colour faded into a
memory i held out an unsteady hand
in one last unspoken plea. as every word
i had never spoken became tangled and
every feeling i had never shared left me
gasping for air she traced an unsteady
finger over my eyes, and took my last
breath between her lips. i slipped into
nothingness, and watched as she stumbled
away, clutching my heart in one perfect
hand, and her heart in the other.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#2
Wow.
Just wow. I have nothing negative to say about this.
In my opinion, this is just simply lovely. Very powerful. Well done.
i look down at my hands,
like they were mirrors.
#3
well written, theme wise was a little cliche but not terribly so.

Lame comment? yeah but still

Very enjoyable.
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Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
...
stunning to say the least.
quite possibly the greatest thing ive ever read on Ug. lol
as much as id like to thank you for your crit on mine, this is way to good for me to touch lol. The only suggestion i can make is that by the end "and" is used quite a bit and it sorta seems a bit run on. but other then that. :O amazing peice.
Sry for not bein much of a help.
#5
Thanks

I could really do with a proper crit or two, as much as i love people saying they like what i've written.

And rage__against10, i sorta intentionally put a lot of ands, and made it flow on... that's just how the words spilled out, and well yeah, it's just to show how... not smoothly... wrong word... how the events played out.

Anyone else care to crit?
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#6
I'll crit it Nate Dogg


T'was good.


I hate my username, it all happened in a rush


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#7
obsession pt. 1

it was like a scene from a movie. the light
of a universe exploding mirrored in her eyes,
and she spoke a surrender so faintly that
if i hadn’t been completely lost in her
i might have missed it. but i didn’t, and as
each word echoed through me like a dream i
tore out my heart and gave it to her. as i
watched her take it with trembling fingertips,
i could have sworn i saw a solitary tear fall
from her cheek, then, as each beat signified
the coming end, she whispered...
i love you.

The way this is written, I figure its meant to be like one big stanza, so I'll crit it as such. This is pretty much absolutely wonderful, I wouldn't change ANYTHING. I think by far the "and she spoke a surrender so faintly that
if i hadn’t been completely lost in her
i might have missed it." part was just flat out amazing, and you got your point across perfectly. I felt like I -was- the person in this. Congrats.

obsession pt. 2

i fell. and as each second turned into an
infinity and each colour faded into a
memory i held out an unsteady hand
in one last unspoken plea. as every word
i had never spoken became tangled and
every feeling i had never shared left me
gasping for air she traced an unsteady
finger over my eyes, and took my last
breath between her lips. i slipped into
nothingness, and watched as she stumbled
away, clutching my heart in one perfect
hand, and her heart in the other.

Brutally believable. Though I don't like the use of heart in both of the last two lines. I think it could definatly be worded better. Other then that, Its again wonderful, and you've done a great job with this one.



All in all, nothing short of brilliant. You took a horridly cliche concept and made it your own, and the results are, well, obvious. :P Cheers.
#8
I am really sick of love pieces but this one was pretty good. I'll try to add something more later
Hi
#9
Quote by Snowblind 911
crit for crit. this is my 'moving on' poem. been in a block for a month or so... hopefully this gets me out.

obsession pt. 1

it was like a scene from a movie. the light
of a universe exploding mirrored in her eyes,
and she spoke a surrender so faintly that
if i hadn’t been completely lost in her
i might have missed it. but i didn’t, and as
each word echoed through me like a dream i
tore out my heart and gave it to her. as i
watched her take it with trembling fingertips,
i could have sworn i saw a solitary tear fall
from her cheek, then, as each beat signified
the coming end, she whispered...
i love you.

i really like the first 6 lines there perfectly worded and they flow very well
i dont really like the last couple lines but there still worded nicely and produce a clear and vivid image and they fit the poem so
overall a very solid start and it was an enjoyable read

obsession pt. 2

i fell. and as each second turned into an
infinity and each colour faded into a
memory i held out an unsteady hand
in one last unspoken plea. as every word
i had never spoken became tangled and
every feeling i had never shared left me
gasping for air she traced an unsteady
finger over my eyes, and took my last
breath between her lips. i slipped into
nothingness, and watched as she stumbled
away, clutching my heart in one perfect
hand, and her heart in the other.

this is a great finish and compliment to the first verse. I like how you related the last lines to what you said in the first verse. there really is nothing i can say negative about this.


Even though the theme is cliche it you still manage to make it refreshing and interesting nice work. and thanks for the crit



nice work
ED REED BABY
#10
Quote by Snowblind 911
crit for crit. this is my 'moving on' poem. been in a block for a month or so... hopefully this gets me out.

obsession pt. 1

it was like a scene from a movie. the light
of a universe exploding mirrored in her eyes,
and she spoke a surrender so faintly that
if i hadn’t been completely lost in her
i might have missed it. but i didn’t, and as
each word echoed through me like a dream i
tore out my heart and gave it to her. as i
watched her take it with trembling fingertips,
i could have sworn i saw a solitary tear fall
from her cheek, then, as each beat signified
the coming end, she whispered...
i love you.

Content-- I hate it. Seems like it's drenched in cliche after cliche, and I almost feel as if I'm reading a piece by Grovermans. Technically it flows extremely well and diction is substantial, although, á mon avis, it would be completely different on an "improved" content base. Solid use of pretty much all other literary elements.

obsession pt. 2

i fell. and as each second turned into an
infinity and each colour faded into a
memory i held out an unsteady hand
in one last unspoken plea. as every word
i had never spoken became tangled and
every feeling i had never shared left me
gasping for air she traced an unsteady
finger over my eyes, and took my last
breath between her lips. i slipped into
nothingness, and watched as she stumbled
away, clutching my heart in one perfect
hand, and her heart in the other.

Content, nearly the same as before. I think you succeeded with more effective language in creating a surrealistic effect, and I think that's what you intended with the first part as well, although that was hardly achieved. I like the two "un"-prefixed words in the beginning for some reason, just something in the way they are there you made work. "Unsteady" was a little overboard, but covert enough to where I didn't catch it immediately. I thought the "perfect hand" was an exceedingly awful image and word choice, and I can't find anything relating to content that would save it. Once again, your structure and flow as very good, as well as other technical aspects of this piece.



Basically, I didn't like how you portrayed your idea, but it was technically (for as technical as poetry can be, you know what I mean) well written.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

Last edited by culex-knight at Oct 1, 2007,
#11
Thanks everyone

Culex, I agree, the topic is cliche, and some of the content i suppose. But feelings are feelings, no matter how cliche they are, and this poem was not an attempt at being 'technically' correct, or anything like that... it was just a bunch of feelings that came pouring out. It is impossible to not be 'cliche' when you are talking about love, or heartbreak, but I had to write this. Of course it is about a girl i know, and this is my tribute to her, although she doesn't know it, and i did the best i could with how i felt when writing it.

Sorry you didn't enjoy it, not everybody is bound to.

I might edit the bottom piece, in fact, i probably will.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#12
The last line is really the best part of the whole piece, with the rest of it just leading up to that one moment. But I don't think it really builds up in a significant way. That is to say, the stuff before it doesn't really lead us to the end, it just tells us what has happened up to the end. You raise a very interesting spin on the idea of a guy giving a girl his heart, saying that she too has taken her heart out of her chest, but what does that really mean to both the narrator and the reader? My educated guess is that the girl knows that the narrator loves her and cannot bear with breaking his heart so she tears out her own heart, so to speak, but that isn't obvious (nor am I 100% sure of that interpretation). I think you were going for a little ambiguity so we could shape it to our own experiences, which is fine, but you haven't given us enough specifics for us to really be able to tie it down. Still, it's an excellent start. Thanks for reading my piece.

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#13
topic was a little chiche for me but i liked it overall, very good metaphors and similies i liked the comparisons a lot. You took a topic so overused that its more beaten than a dead baby but I found myself interested because it was very very well written. Overall, you made it original which I liked and it was effortless reading (it kept me interested)
#14
Quote by Snowblind 911
Thanks everyone

Culex, I agree, the topic is cliche, and some of the content i suppose. But feelings are feelings, no matter how cliche they are, and this poem was not an attempt at being 'technically' correct, or anything like that... it was just a bunch of feelings that came pouring out. It is impossible to not be 'cliche' when you are talking about love, or heartbreak, but I had to write this. Of course it is about a girl i know, and this is my tribute to her, although she doesn't know it, and i did the best i could with how i felt when writing it.

Sorry you didn't enjoy it, not everybody is bound to.

I might edit the bottom piece, in fact, i probably will.


What I meant was, the actual portrayal of your thoughts was well written, I just didn't like how you did it. It happens. Personal appeal.

I understand what you're going through. Best thoughts.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#15
reading these stanzas brought tears to my eyes, and i'm not one to cry much. the topic may be cliched and overused, but it was very well worded and really got the emotion across.