#1
crit4crit


One Last Look

All it takes is one more feather,
To break your spirit.
All it takes is one more grain of sand,
To turn the wheel and grind the gears.
And the only thing I can say is that,
I don’t think I’ll be coming back.
O no, I wont be coming back.

I’ll take one last look round,
Looking for the things I’ve already found.
This is the place I called home,
Now I’ve left it all alone.

All it takes is one more breath,
To say your gone for good.
All it takes is one more drop of water,
To sink the boat and end its crew.
And the only thing I can say is that,
I don’t think I’ll be coming back.
O no, I wont be coming back.

I’m not really sure what’s worse.
The end of a life or,
The death of a memory.

I’ll walk into the horizon,
Unsure of what lies ahead,
But I know one thinks for sure,
I won’t be coming back.
ED REED BABY
#2
One Last Look

All it takes is one more feather,
To break your spirit.
All it takes is one more grain of sand,
To turn the wheel and grind the gears.
And the only thing I can say is that,
I don’t think I’ll be coming back.
O ['Oh' is more gramatically correct, and looks better] no, I wont be coming back.

I like the idea, the whole 'one final tiny event is enough to flip you ever the edge' sorta thing. I'd take out the commas in lines 1, 3 & 5, just to help with the flow. I like the repetition of the 'I won't be coming back' as well.


I’ll take one last look round,
Looking for the things I’ve already found.
This is the place I called home,
Now I’ve left it all alone.

It gets really, really cliche here. especially the last 2 lines. the first two are good, just, yeah, overrhyme a bit.

All it takes is one more breath,
To say your gone for good.
All it takes is one more drop of water,
To sink the boat and end its crew.
And the only thing I can say is that,
I don’t think I’ll be coming back.
O no, I wont be coming back.

Same thing again with the commas, maybe leave one on the first line though.

I’m not really sure what’s worse.
The end of a life or,
The death of a memory.

This a bridge? Pretty interesting, and thought provoking question to be honest. Nice.
I’ll walk into the horizon,
Unsure of what lies ahead,
But I know one thinks [thing?] for sure,
I won’t be coming back.

I'd maybe have the 'oh no, i won't be coming back again' again at the end. i just really like the repetition.

Overall... nice song, only one verse had too much cliche rhyming for my taste. I was suprised at how much i enjoyed this to be honest.

Good work.

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