#1
your tongue is like a razor blade
piercing skin with every muscle motion that you make.
Why don't you drink the blood?
I guess it isn't sweet enough
I would coat my veins in sugar
if it meant feeling your tongue
Taste my mind and infect my soul
With your poetic poison, dripping

And every time you strike
Your poison wears away its hold
and I dash to salt the wound

I guess some people just get off to dying slowly.
Last edited by Thomasoman at Nov 6, 2007,
#2
so... that was pretty much great, I thought. I liked how it was kind of a paradox type thing... Anyway, an actual crit would be good eh.

your tongue is like a silver blade
piercing skin with every flick
Why you don't drink the blood?
I guess it isn't sweet enough
I liked this... Not sure how the last line flows though. Good intro, I thought.
I would coat my veins in sugar
if it meant feeling your blade
Taste my mind and infect my soul
With your poetic poison, dripping
Again, this was good. Wanting to do anything for it... This crit is turning into an "I liked this and this and this", which wasn't the goal, but apparently I really liked it.
And every time you strike
Your poison wears away its hold
and I dash to salt the wound
This is my favorite part.
I guess some people just get off to dying slowly.
This is the only part I really don't like at all. It seems that you have this reflective mood kind of going on and then waboom, it switches to "I guess", which didn't work for me. Just my opinion though. Altogether really good, I think.
#4
Great name.

your tongue is like a silver blade
piercing skin with every flick
Why you don't drink the blood?
I guess it isn't sweet enough

eh... flick... flick... i don't like the word. i know there are other words that would suit the purpose better, i just can't think right now. Interesting start though.

I would coat my veins in sugar
if it meant feeling your blade
Taste my mind and infect my soul
With your poetic poison, dripping

the double use of blade isn't good. surely you can think of another word for it. last two lines are class.

And every time you strike
Your poison wears away its hold
and I dash to salt the wound

Awesome, and it flows into the last line really, really well. I like I each stanza gets shorter, i don't know if that was intentional or not.

I guess some people just get off to dying slowly.

I'd prefer it if it was 'I guess some people just get of on dying slowly' Very nice ending regardless.

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