#1
Another short hip hop freewrite I woke up early this morning and just decided to open up Notepad and start typing away. Like I said in my Digitz of Hell thread, I've always wanted to write some strong rap songs, so here's me warming up and gettin' the juices flowing.

Anyways, this is just meant to be an introductory verse to a full song.

Eulogy

Every now and then, in the month of February, I
Visit my friend, in the local cemetery, I
Bring a bouquet and place it on the grave, I
Say a few words and I think about my day, I
Think about the days when he used to be alive,
Think about the games we used to play when we were five.
Good days, yeah, but now’s a different time, he’s
Gone now, yeah, but still I’d never cry, I want to
Tell you, all, about a time now past, the
Moments are gone, but the memories last.


Crit for crit, and all that jazz. Please be specific in your feedback.
#2
Has a nice flow, if not a bit too many sylables...I'd like to see how you'd put music to this. Maybe a stylistic change and rap over and acoustic guitar?

I'd love to see that...nice to see you branching out into more genre though. Hope to see you in the Electronica side in a bit =]
#3
Eulogy

Every now and then, in the month of February,

This line doesn't make sense to me. The whole thing is little childish tbh with u instead i have an idea in mind just think about it
"Every now and then from month of january"----------->just to give it more impact



I Visit my friend, in the local cemetery, I
Bring a bouquet and place it on the grave, I

instead of "the" use his and her


Say a few words and I think about my day, I
Think about the days when he used to be alive,
Think about the games we used to play when we were five.
Good days, yeah, but now’s a different time, he’s
Gone now, yeah, but still I’d never cry, I want to
Tell you, all, about a time now past, the
Moments are gone, but the memories last.

The last three lines are cliche


overall not as gr8 as the first one . It could use a revison and on the other hand i know the whole rhyme scheme is important but just change it a little bit. Some of lines are fillers just to have that particular rhyme scheme.

the whole thing reminds me of Rocky 6 (If u want i can tell u in detail ) which is not a bad thing but it's not that powerful at all . Srry for being harsh but didn't appealed to me
Hi
#4
Quote by yawn
Another short hip hop freewrite I woke up early this morning and just decided to open up Notepad and start typing away. Like I said in my Digitz of Hell thread, I've always wanted to write some strong rap songs, so here's me warming up and gettin' the juices flowing.

Anyways, this is just meant to be an introductory verse to a full song.

Eulogy

Every now and then, in the month of February, I
Visit my friend, in the local cemetery, I
Bring a bouquet and place it on the grave, I
Say a few words and I think about my day, I
Think about the days when he used to be alive,
Think about the games we used to play when we were five.
Good days, yeah, but now’s a different time, he’s
Gone now, yeah, but still I’d never cry, I want to
Tell you, all, about a time now past, the
Moments are gone, but the memories last.


Crit for crit, and all that jazz. Please be specific in your feedback.

Dude, I love your style (and this is the only piece I've heard, too). I dunno if you've heard my stuff (on my profile if you haven't), but I think a collab would be cool. Wanna PM me if you're interested?
#5
This title seems pretty familiar......you wouldn't have been inspired by mine would you? I actually prefer your Digitz one to this, mostly because it comes off stronger and more fierce. I like hip hop with attitude.
#6
Quote by gallagher2006
Has a nice flow, if not a bit too many sylables...I'd like to see how you'd put music to this. Maybe a stylistic change and rap over and acoustic guitar?
Heh, actually I'd never really consider rapping over acoustic guitar. I did that for Digitz of Hell because it was convenient at the time (didn't want to start writing new music at the moment, just wanted to put the text to some music).

Quote by gallagher2006
I'd love to see that...nice to see you branching out into more genre though. Hope to see you in the Electronica side in a bit =]
Lol. Maybe when I learn how to use Reason. ><

"Every now and then from month of january"----------->just to give it more impact Actually, I picked February for a certain reason.

Quote by abhishek21
instead of "the" use his and her
Well, when actually rapping it, "the grave" flows off the tongue a lot smoother than "his grave", and also I liked the impersonality and coldness of "the" grave; whereas, "his" grave would connote just slightly a bit more warmth (which I wasn't going for in the context of this line).

Quote by abhishek21
The last three lines are cliche
True. I was listening to some old-school hip hop last night, and I guess it rubbed off on me. =D

(of course, it wasn't cliche back then, but as a modern writer I suppose I have a duty to help lyricism progress, rather than just being nostalgic)

Quote by rush4life
This title seems pretty familiar......you wouldn't have been inspired by mine would you?
Lol, actually no. I've written another eulogy in the past as well.

Quote by MastaBassist10
Dude, I love your style (and this is the only piece I've heard, too). I dunno if you've heard my stuff (on my profile if you haven't), but I think a collab would be cool. Wanna PM me if you're interested?
Sounds tight. I'll be PMing you within the next couple of minutes.