#1
Breathe,
it's only a matter of time,
before your lungs give out,
and soon you will become more like me,
seethe,
it's only getting worse,
there's no prayer that can break this curse,
for you,

I'll draw the line and baracade,
my emotions for you,
i'll give it time,
to plan the crime,
and break all we've been through,

this silhouette of our romance,
has never been more than a lie,
i can't forget,
the passion you've destroyed,
when i looked in your eyes,
is this all it,
the moment that the angels fell from the sky,
while the fire pits and razor lips,
destroyed for one last time,

we now lay on our darkest days,
with no sight of what's to become,
but leaving the body feeling numb,
with broken glass and cuts as deep as my love,
i can wither away while my curse is here to stay,
to land this plague, this disease, this torment,
from me!
#2
I really like this, there's some neat lyrical imagery, coming across as forbodeing and darkness, but not depressing which is a good technique to master. you draw the reader in and don't allow him/her to get bored.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=683191
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
Last edited by sambora at Oct 2, 2007,
#3
Agree with the last reply.

Only thing I didn't like is that it had a really nice, easy to follow rhythm throughout, but it fell apart at the end and you nearly lost me.

Otherwise, good word choices!
CALIBRATE THE VIRUS


lolwut?
#5
I dig the title actually. It makes me say, what? I don't know about others but I like when titles give me that feeling. It's what made me click on this anyhow.


There were many parts of this that I felt could have been MUCH more effective with better punctuation.

Quote by lambofgodfold
Breathe,
it's only a matter of time,
before your lungs give out,
and soon you will become more like me,
seethe,
it's only getting worse,
there's no prayer that can break this curse,
for you,
Why all the commas? No need for all the commas. They make me feel like you were running out of breath when you wrote that. I don't want to make too many specific suggestions because I don't want to alter your meaning: but understand that that's what punctuation can do is ALTER YOUR MEANING! So think about that. I say "breathe" and "seethe" ought to have a full stop after them, as should the ending line in this part. Ask yourself if the rest of the commas are really necessary at all.

I'll draw the line and baracade,
my emotions for you,
i'll give it time,
to plan the crime,
and break all we've been through,
I like the use of the word "crime" here but the label seems overshadowed by its role as an explicit rhymer. In other words the prior line brings it down, and I find that it doesn't much contribute to the piece either. So ask yourself if that is really necessary as well. The comma problem persists here.

this silhouette of our romance,
has never been more than a lie,
i can't forget,
the passion you've destroyed,
when i looked in your eyes,
is this all it,
the moment that the angels fell from the sky,
while the fire pits and razor lips,
destroyed for one last time,

we now lay on our darkest days,
with no sight of what's to become,
but leaving the body feeling numb,
with broken glass and cuts as deep as my love,
i can wither away while my curse is here to stay,
to land this plague, this disease, this torment,
from me!
I like the emphasis at the end. Some parts of it seemed quite melodramatic (cuts as deep as my love), but apart from that I like how you integrated the title and moreover I liked your description of vague romance as a silhouette. That word has a lot to it, good choice, eh. It was hard to get through this because the commas kept interrupting whatever flow it had to it.


In conclusion:

PUNCTUATION IS YOUR BEST FRIEND!