#1
Yeah, I was really, really pissed off when I wrote this... and I can't even remember why. This is a few weeks old, I'm not sure how keen on it I am. I don't know whether it is too cliche, but whatever. Oh, and don't say there is no meaning in this, because there is, and by saying there isn't you are just further proving the point i am trying to make.

Crit for Crit


hypocrite – mirror – hypocrite

we stand as the sky falls down, and although it is
pissing shades of grey, blue, and red, we find fault
in nothing but the sun. and when we can’t stand
any longer we lay amongst the bodies, buildings
and final breaths like the angels we shoot down
so often. we match each falling drop with a crocodile
tear, knife-edge fingers cut circles over every eye
and strip each heart of a beat. then the ground
opens up, and we death-roll through layers of our
own bullshit, into a place that doesn’t exist except
for in our own manufactured nightmares. here we
dance in our own wretchedness, play russian roulette
with blame and nail ourselves to makeshift crosses
over broken mirrors and upturned ladders. we peel
our faces off and drop names, we sew our mouths
shut and carve sins into each others flesh, and then
we shed our skins and fuck each other until we are
drenched in blood. now we wake up with tattoos on
our eyelids, like the psychological imprints left on a
visionary. maybe if we weren’t blinded by our
own egos we’d stop to try and figure out the
meaning of it all, but we won’t, we never will.
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^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#2
Wow it seems so different than everything else I've seen you post.

Mostly cause of all the dark metaphor work and such

I don't want to make the meaning too simplistic but from what I gathered it is about the things we inflict upon ourselves and then pin to other reasons, (blaming the sun when the bad atmosphere is the cause- which is under our control; dancing in our own wretchedness; blinded by our own egos; russian roulettes with blame; deathroll layers of own bullshit, but still we peel our faces off and drop names, yeah?) it's possible I'm completely off the mark though.

The writing itself is like a well-conceived rant, as a reader I didn't feel very involved and it didn't strike much a chord with me because it made me feel like I was also being accused- which may be the case and that may be the power of it . It makes me curiously reassess my self.

The rest of the power came from the strange images, quite violent but none of them seemed to be trying too hard which is good cause a lot of times people can't execute the precision and punch that violence needs to be hardhitting (neither pun intended)-

all in all it was good writing, so different than anything I've read before by you (and you know I'm a huge fan of all those as well). Just as seemingly well-thought-out but as though you were in an altered state of mind.

I guess this is more commentary than opinion but this is all that came to mind upon reading it
#3


hypocrite – mirror – hypocrite
I'm note sure how to do this other than line by line. It will be a challange, and I may be way off, but I can give it a shot.

we stand as the sky falls down, and although it is
pissing shades of grey, blue, and red, we find fault
in nothing but the sun. this line is a real interesting way to start. I think what I am reading is that the sky is falling apart(for example) but instead of looking to ourselves and our own stupidity, we blame the sun...something which we have no control over. I also feel as I am being judged for something here. good writing so far, I feel already drawn to read the rest. and when we can’t stand
any longer we lay amongst the bodies, buildings
and final breaths like the angels we shoot down
so often. i may be way off but here I feel as if, what I interpreted it as, is when we cant blame other things anymore we lay down and play victim to draw sympathy. I like the images and descriptions you are using here. very dark and upsetting. good writing.we match each falling drop with a crocodile
tear, knife-edge fingers cut circles over every eye
and strip each heart of a beat. cut circles to blind others to our misdeeds? off track, possibly.then the ground
opens up, and we death-roll through layers of our
own bullshit, into a place that doesn’t exist except
for in our own manufactured nightmares.i like that part alot. reading that I was imagining someone like George Bush, for example, going home and dreaming nightmares about everything going on. Everyone shares nightmares and this is a very interesting take on it all. here we
dance in our own wretchedness, play russian roulette
with blame and nail ourselves to makeshift crosses
over broken mirrors and upturned ladders. we peel
our faces off and drop names, we sew our mouths
shut and carve sins into each others flesh, and then
we shed our skins and fuck each other until we are
drenched in blood. extremely gruesome. very unfamiliar to other works of yours that I have read. rather scary to say the least. I didn't really get the russian roulette with blame part. In that game you point the gun at yourself. did you mean point blame at yourself or others? because what I gathered earlier was people playing the blame game by pointing fingers at others. i may be off again though. disgusting imagery here, very terrifying.now we wake up with tattoos on
our eyelids, which we will never be able to see?like the psychological imprints left on a
visionary. maybe if we weren’t blinded by our
own egos we’d stop to try and figure out the
meaning of it all, but we won’t, we never will.the whole piece had one very specific point and I feel as though the last line, although exactly what you wanted to impress, felt that it was misplaced amongst the rest. it's a good closer but I feel like sort of a let down that it didn't finish stronger/in the same manner that the rest of the verse was in.

I may be wrong with everything I said and you may be reading all this like "what an idiot," but for what this means to me, it shows that you are seeing the world as a place full of shallow people and misdeed. I liked this a lot and agree with all of what you said...maybe I would have put it a little less graphically , but nonetheless I thought it had some amazing power and fear and some definite horror in it. very much a forewarning of what is to come. feel free to crit mine if you get the chance

Wonderous
or
My Passions, My Bruises

Whichever you prefer would be greatly appreciated
Quote by TonyRandall

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#4


Wow, you guys pretty much [with a few minor exceptions] hit everything on the head here.

Just the tattooed eyelids thing, that sort of overexaggerating how blind and ignorant so many people are. We wake up on with tattoos on our eyelids but we are that blinded [by our egos], that we STILL don't get the hint, or get the warning. We figure that it isn't our problem... so whatever.

And DrkNTwstd, really good point there about the russian roulette thing that i forgot about. I meant to sort of make out that pointing the finger and laying the guilt trip is just a game to everyone, but i forgot that russian roulette was when you point the gun at yourself. I'll change it to something more fitting.

Once again, thanks both of you.

And drk, I'll get you to your piece ASAP, my brother is having a go on the PC now, so hopefully i can get it later... we're going away for a week tomorrow. I promise I will try though.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#5
Nate. Nate, Nate, Nate.

I loved it. You know that anger is my forte.

But the imagery......gruesome, but the way you're able to put these images in peoples' heads...you have a gift, honey.

blu_flame is right, this isn't like your usual stuff, but it's a.....well, not nice, because it's such an angry piece it's not nice, but a welcome change.
#7

hypocrite – mirror – hypocrite

we stand as the sky falls down, and although it is
pissing shades of grey, blue, and red, i didnt like 'pissing'we find fault
in nothing but the sun. and when we can’t stand
any longer we lay amongst the bodies, buildings
and final breaths like the angels we shoot down
so often the angels thing is overused. we match each falling drop with a crocodile
tear, knife-edge fingers cut circles over every eye
and strip each heart of a beat.this was pretty good, amazing flow, nice use of imagery. then the ground
opens up, and we death-roll through layers of our
own bullshitdidn't like 'bull****, into a place that doesn’t exist except
for in our own manufactured nightmares. here we
dance in our own wretchedness, play russian roulette
with blame and nail ourselves to makeshift crosses
over broken mirrors and upturned ladders.another sentence that stands out we peel
our faces off and drop names, we sew our mouths
shut and carve sins into each others flesh, and then
we shed our skins and fuck each other until we are
drenched in blood. now we wake up with tattoos on
our eyelids, like the psychological imprints left on a
visionary. maybe if we weren’t blinded by our
own egos we’d stop to try and figure out the
meaning of it all, but we won’t, we never will.

i read it and was writing a full crit, but i stopped after the ladders line, because i thought the last part was pretty amazing and i didnt want to be picky.. this is good, there's a few things that i didnt like (i pointed them out in bold), but overall i liked this.


it took me ages to get back to this. thanks again for your crit
#8
Very unique, for sure. I'm not too great at these types of poems/songs, so I'm not totally sure what to crit here. I can understand the meaning, you just have to really look deep into it. For this type of thing, I think it's pretty good.
Your head slowly caves in from the compression
#9
didn't you post this a while ago? I remember reading it on here before, becuase I said I didn't like the line about the sky pissing shades of blue...it's good and all, but you should have just crited someone elses work and have them bring your old post back up instead of reposting it like it's new.
#10
Quote by HLrocker
didn't you post this a while ago? I remember reading it on here before, becuase I said I didn't like the line about the sky pissing shades of blue...it's good and all, but you should have just crited someone elses work and have them bring your old post back up instead of reposting it like it's new.


i bumped it. i promised that i would get to this ages ago and it took me ages to get here. stop bitching.
#11
Quote by HLrocker
didn't you post this a while ago? I remember reading it on here before, becuase I said I didn't like the line about the sky pissing shades of blue...it's good and all, but you should have just crited someone elses work and have them bring your old post back up instead of reposting it like it's new.


Oh yeah, i posted an early draft of this a few weeks ago. It has changed a lot since then... the ending is entirely different, along with a lot of the other lines - remember it used to end in something about a 4 year old and his uncle or some junk like that?

Yeah, anyway. I crit a lot of people by the way... I'm not vain enough to delete and repost my pieces for no reason.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.