#1
crit?

The dark dawns
Can you look me in the eyes
Frightened by the light
Here comes Submission
Its only enough
To give us False Hope
The black sheep
Of the family
Why we hide
Only time will tell
Its only enough
To give us false hope

(chorus)
Its so pathetic
So miserable
So lonely at night
Who loves you?
No one loves you
No one loves me
we're so pathetic
so miserable

Godspeed isn't
Fast enough
To get you
Where you want
Crying all alone
In the rain
The black sheep
Will run away
Putting Misery
Back on them
Its only enough
Then we'll die

(chorus)

Am I more to you
Than you seek
Causing Problems
So you weep
Kick me out
And i wont care
I'm the black Sheep
I'm afraid
Why I hide
I cant tell
Its only enough
Then I'll die

(chorus)
R.I.P. Kurt Cobain
Quote by mathieupM13
If you want to see scary pics you should google Rosie O’Donnell
#3
Quote by nirvana23freak
crit?

The dark dawns
I actually liked this opener despite seemingly cliche idea behind it
Can you look me in the eyes
Frightened by the light
Here comes Submission
Ok. Not the best here. I didn't catch on to any flow or rhythm and the use of submission felt forced and awkward. Sort of overused ideas too.
Its only enough
To give us False Hope
The black sheep
Of the family
Why we hide
Only time will tell
Its only enough
To give us false hope
Decent work. The flow could definately be improved and the ideas could be reworded in a more unique presentation in my opinion. Just something to consider.
(chorus)
Its so pathetic
So miserable
So lonely at night
Who loves you?
No one loves you
No one loves me
we're so pathetic
so miserable
For me, this chorus would have to rely on the music and melody/harmony. Lyrically, there is nothing new and it doesn't speak much to me personally.

Godspeed isn't
Fast enough
To get you
Where you want
Loved this part. Highlight of the piece. Maybe consider adding something alont the lines of "get you where you want on time" (probably not worded that way) because right now, you talk of speed not being enough to get you across a certain distance where speed generally correlates with a sense of time
Crying all alone
In the rain
The black sheep
Will run away
Putting Misery
Back on them
Its only enough
Then we'll die
Again, sort of overused topic. I liked the reuse of themes in this verse but it got a little boring and cliche towards the middle

(chorus)

Am I more to you
Than you seek
Causing Problems
So you weep
Kick me out
And i wont care
I'm the black Sheep
I'm afraid
Why I hide
I cant tell
Its only enough
Then I'll die
This was relatively good as well. Nothing special but it complimented the rest of the work.
(chorus)


hope I helped some

peace, yo
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
Quote by zeppelin_freak0
I think this is a pretty good song...i like the whole black sheep idea, you made it work very well and used it with great symbolism. your song had a lot of variety to it to, i liked it alot tho. do u have an idea what kind of genre its supposed 2 be? If you could check mine out.

My song:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=681879

im not sure what genre i would classify it as. my stuff is like later nirvana(the diversity of it) some is punk some is poppish and some is inbetween, id say this is inbetween.
R.I.P. Kurt Cobain
Quote by mathieupM13
If you want to see scary pics you should google Rosie O’Donnell
#6
WTF? i've seen my nickname in many song's titles in this forum...
nice song. i agree in all points with jiminizzle.
sbd just check out my songs
Rhymes
Above
Poetry
#7
Quote by Adam_Harrison9
Is the title a rip-off of the Sick Of It All album title and song title?

no ive never heard of that
R.I.P. Kurt Cobain
Quote by mathieupM13
If you want to see scary pics you should google Rosie O’Donnell