#1
One of my newest, the music is in my Profile. Crit for crit?


Locked up to save himself
Maybe we show just give in
When I can see I'm not me
Make me feel like I'm some one else
We can contemplate
And never follow thru
Lets make a pact
So we cant back out

(chorus)
If i can see
Then we can be
I can write
and i can read
We could be
It hurts when i pee
I can read

Dreaming lets me be me
it takes me to the places i wanna be
Being with you makes me feel better
it makes me feel like we are one(i wanna change from being with you. i dont like it)
We can contemplate
And never follow thru
Lets make a pact
So we cant back out

(chorus)

Quietly just stare
maybe a word when i care
when we leave i can speak
happy that ill never go back
We can contemplate
And never follow thru
Lets make a pact
So we cant back out

(chorus)


EDIT: New version at bottom
R.I.P. Kurt Cobain
Quote by mathieupM13
If you want to see scary pics you should google Rosie O’Donnell
Last edited by nirvana23freak at Oct 1, 2007,
#3
Quote by Drewcifer 000
...."It hurts when I pee"....?

where did that come from?

i had a bladder infection a few weeks ago
R.I.P. Kurt Cobain
Quote by mathieupM13
If you want to see scary pics you should google Rosie O’Donnell
#5
I'd get rid of the perspective change in the first verse. It's confusing and adds nothing. (you changed from thrid to first.)

You also switch narrative styles. After the third person, it becomes first person omniscient narration, then goes to first person limited as he lies to himself and the other person in the poem, "lets make a pact so WE won't back out.", when he's obviously the one with issues.

Then he becomes a first grader with a urinary tract infection? I can read, guys! Look! Watch me write.

Also, no one respectable has used the word "pee" in a song. I'd find another way to say whatever it is you're trying to say.

etc. etc.

EDIT:
Nevermind, you aren't even saying anything with it. Who, except yourself and your immediate family members (and maybe your friends if you're weird and tell them stuff like that), would know that you had a bladder infection?
Originally posted by Capua47:

Oh well if your from austrailia then grades shudn't matter considering your just gonna grow up to be ol' stevie erwin eh?!


Gear:
Schecter Omen-6
Peavey Valveking 212
Metal Muff
Metal Zone
Jimi Hendrix Wah
Last edited by listless at Oct 1, 2007,
#6
i changed some stuff up. took the stuff you said into consideration.


Locked up to save himself
Maybe we show just give in
When I can see I'm not me
The penetrating is a cloudy puss
We can contemplate
And never follow through
Lets make a pact
So we cant back out

(chorus)
If i can see
Then we can be
I can write
so i can read
We could be
It hurts when i see
act out of loyalty
to earn their respect

The combination has its odor
Taking the hate makes you better
Dreaming lets me be me
it takes me to the places i want to be
We can contemplate
And never follow through
Lets make a pact
So we cant back out

(chorus)

Quietly just stare
maybe a word when i care
keep on tweaking to the funeral
happy that ill never go back
We can contemplate
And never follow through
Lets make a pact
So we cant back out

(chorus)

i know a lot of it makes no sense and that there is the narrative changes. i like it this way though
R.I.P. Kurt Cobain
Quote by mathieupM13
If you want to see scary pics you should google Rosie O’Donnell
#9
Quote by Drewcifer 000
Better. Good changes.

thanks
R.I.P. Kurt Cobain
Quote by mathieupM13
If you want to see scary pics you should google Rosie O’Donnell