#1
I wrote this in class and its based on the movie apocalypse now which i recently just watched


crit for crit

Drunken state you feel the same
can't go home its all to plain
asked to carry out a mission thats never been done
going wear no men has ever gone
Kill the cournal thats insane but great
indefinately dieing and has accepted his fate
A boy of 17 in your eyes
has his whole life ahead of him and dies
Broken dreamed warrios who cant make it big
then they realize its all over to quick
Selfish boys who do nothing but stare in the sun
doing nothing but outliving everyone
Napalam strikes the morning air
in an all to familar smell
Starting out on your path
notice everything in the wrath
of insanity and its will
the urge to let live or to kill
is all to strong
in this place there is no right or wrong
only desires
to crush what you call the evil empire
Arive there and notice the work
of a man whos gone beserk
A hallucegnic poppng pill popping reporter
thinks he is the reincarnation of the lord
hes seen things we've never seen
not even in our must haunted dreams
hes read to die at your hands
the people make you king of the land
After its done your mind glows
but now insanity follows you wherever you go
#2
So... I thought it was decent. Some of the rhymes seemed pretty forced, like they didn't flow very well. Other parts were pretty good flowing. I think the biggest thing for me was spelling... but that's not a big deal, I guess. So not bad, maybe look at changing some of the wording. It doesn't ALL have to rhyme ALL the way through. Cheat a little.

And if you want to crit mine, it's in my sig.

Good job of voicing your response to the movie though.
#5
Very interesting, but it lacks any sort of flow. I'd try messing with the phrasing, so its not just one statement after another.

BTW, if you like Apocalypse Now(but who wouldn't?) read "Heart of Darkness" by Joseph Conrad. Its what Apocalypse Now was partially based on.
BOOM-SHAKALAKALAKA-BOOM-SHAKALAKUNGA
#6
well you have to read it like bob dylan sings "its alright ma(im only bleeding). Thats what i modeled the song after.