#1
I was inspired by something tonight and felt I had to write about it. This is my first time attempting a poem in this style. I hope you all enjoy. crit for crit, as always.
just a poem, free verse.
please, be as brutal as you can.

Wonderous


How splendid you look tonight.
The lights dance and cast shadows
across your face.
It has been so long,
When is it last I touched you?
Slender and still you lie awake
and await my hands. They remain soft, for you,
yet calloused enough to know exactly
how to make you weep in ecstasy.
Cry out for me, I need to hear you.

Supple and gorgeous, it's been too long.
Across your face with loving embrace.
Down.
Grace your neck, ever so slightly.
Shudder you do, just a bit and let out a sigh...
What I had hoped for.
down your neck, tugging on
your heartstrings. You want it.
You need it.

I finish up top and
move down to the rest
of your body.
Hourglass and perfect,
finer than any other I've ever had.
I tweak and twist and You have never
once felt it better than now. I know so.

Ivory and sweet. soft yet firm.
I'm in love with you.
I long to make you wail, tonight,
but darling, it's about passion and beauty, though.
tonight we will harmonize.
I will hold you close, so close.
our sound will become one with nature.
People will hear us and come to love us,
as I know they will.
You and me, baby...forever.


-CJ
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



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Last edited by DrkNTwstd at Oct 2, 2007,
#2
damn it I knew I shouldnt have added that one. I knew it would make it too obvious. good call though.

got rid of those lines. they were crap anyway.
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



myspace.

my band

~We Rock Out With Our Cocks Out!: UG Naked Club.~


Member of the USA LAUGAM HIT SQUAD
#3
About the writing itself, it's good. I can tell that you were inspired when you wrote this. Plus most of the description really made me connect with the writing on more than one level- or both, as it were . Particularly the first two stanzas.

The mention of across the back and to the bottom was a bit questionable and I think uncomfortable wording. I think that's my only complaint about the writing.

It was clever and mostly subtle, I liked the freeverse aspect of it cause it wasn't so structured and it allows the reader to follow along without any restrictions.


VV and not at the mo, thanks, I'm a sparse writer up against a heavy block . but i appreciate the offer and look forward to seeing you on the boards! I'll keep up to see what others say about this
Last edited by blu_flame34 at Oct 2, 2007,
#4
yeah, if you dont mind deleting it I would be greatful thanks. I'll work on those lines right now. I see you critiquing a lot and seem to know what you are talking about, do you have any work you want critiqued?

Edit: I took out the line you mentioned, I couldn't fit it in any way that I liked it so I tossed it. Thanks a lot for your help

thanks man. best of luck
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



myspace.

my band

~We Rock Out With Our Cocks Out!: UG Naked Club.~


Member of the USA LAUGAM HIT SQUAD
Last edited by DrkNTwstd at Oct 2, 2007,
#5
Wonderous

How splendid you look tonight.
The lights dance and cast shadows
across your face.
It has been so long,
When is it last I touched you?

The use of 'it' twice in the last two lines reads really awkwardly. and i would have used 'was' instead of 'is' in the last line.
Slender and still you lie awake
and await my hands. They remain soft, for you,
yet calloused enough to know exactly
how to make you weep in ecstasy.
Cry out for me, I need to hear you.

The sexual aspect is too strong overall in this piece for me - but that is just personal preference. I like the desperateness of the last line. I would prefer a bit more flow in L2, too many commas there IMO.

Supple and gorgeous, it's been too long.
Across your face with loving embrace.
Down.
Grace your neck, ever so slightly.
Shudder you do, just a bit and let out a sigh...
What I had hoped for.
down your neck, tugging on
your heartstrings. You want it.
You need it.

Love this verse... bar L5... just sounds too conversational, and seems out of place.

I finish up top and
move down to the rest
of your body.
Hourglass and perfect,
finer than any other I've ever had.
I tweak and twist and You have never
once felt it better than now. I know so.

The character in the beginning of the poem seems really eager to please, and desperate, and a bit insecure, but in this verse he is confident enough to say he KNOWS she has never had better. Seems peculiar to me.

Ivory and sweet. soft yet firm.
I'm in love with you.
I long to make you wail, tonight,
but darling, it's about passion and beauty, though.
tonight we will harmonize.
I will hold you close, so close.
our sound will become one with nature.
People will hear us and come to love us,
as I know they will.
You and me, baby...forever.

I like the very ending, I just don't like the lead up to it. L3-L7 just don't do anything for me at all sorry. I can't suggest anything else, but I just thought I should point out them few lines that I don't like.


Overall, I liked it. Great flow throughout, and it really did feel like you were writing it in the moment, and nothing felt too forced.

Thanks for the crit on mine
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