#1
i tell myself you are nothing more to me
then the spirit of a ghost
just an image of the past
of what i miss most
its a chilling thought
that you once said you loved me
a memory that leaves me so distraught
and a lie i believed so cleanly

memories of you haunt me
like a ghost in the night
leaving no time behind
invading my head
as soon as i cut out the light
layin secluded in my bed
with one thought in my head
replaying those words that you said
i lay all alone, defenseless

i remember laying under the evening sky
we conversed about everything
even how we wanted to die
as we gazed into eachothers eyes
now my heart is aching
as my feelings for you are rising

memories of you haunt me
like a ghost in the night
leaving no time behind
invading my head
as soon as i cut out the light
layin secluded in my bed
with one thought in my head
replaying those words that you said
i lay all alone, defenseless

PLEASE cut off these chains that bind me to your soul
i know longer feel like living all alone inside this hellhole
i feel the pain you so vigurously wanted me to feel
Im sorry for what i did but i need these wounds to heel
let me go
i need to find something thats real
and stop reliving these memories

I have finally let go of the memories that haunted me
I dont think it was you that was torturing me
perhaps it was the guilt i felt when i turned out the light
remembering the darkness i felt when i started a fight
i was lonely in my bed cuz i was layin without you
and the only reason i am now defenseless
as because i no longer have you
#4
dam thats deep! its awsome as hell! keep up the good work.
can u crit mine?
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#6
yeah it is about a girl that i miss greatly.....she ment alot to me, thanks for the crits.
by the way, i forgot to add, crit-4-crit
#8
Quote by zeppelin_freak0

i tell myself you are nothing more to me
then the spirit of a ghost This line is kind of redundant.
just an image of the past
of what i miss most
its a chilling thought
that you once said you loved me
a memory that leaves me so distraught
and a lie i believed so cleanlythe word "cleanly" doesn't make sense.

memories of you haunt me
like a ghost in the night
leaving no time behind
invading my head
as soon as i cut out the light
layin secluded in my bed
with one thought in my head
replaying those words that you said
i lay all alone, defenseless

I like the rhyming here, but you need to make the pattern more consistent.

i remember laying under the evening sky
we conversed about everything I know you're trying to use good diction here, but the word "conversed" is somewhat awkward. I'd suggest using a 1 syllable word.
even how we wanted to die
as we gazed into eachothers eyes
now my heart is aching
as my feelings for you are rising

memories of you haunt me
like a ghost in the night I like the repetition of the ghost simile and/or metaphor. Maybe the ghost should have a bigger, more animated role throughout the poem.
leaving no time behind
invading my head
as soon as i cut out the light
layin secluded in my bed
with one thought in my head
replaying those words that you said
i lay all alone, defenseless the "all alone" part is a bit cliche. In order to keep the same number of syllables, you could write "alone and defenseless" instead.

PLEASE cut off these chains that bind me to your soul
i know longer feel like living all alone inside this hellhole The word "hellhole" is a bit awkward. Just plain "hell" will do.
i feel the pain you so vigorously wanted me to feel
Im sorry for what i did but i need these wounds to heal
let me go I like the idea of addressing this girl, this ghost of your past. Expand on it please.
i need to find something thats real
and stop reliving these memories Maybe you could replace "stop reliving" to "break free of".

I have finally let go of the memories that haunted me
I dont think it was you that was torturing me sort of awkward. Maybe you could replace this with something about how you are beginning to forgive and reconcile yourself with this "ghost". (Assuming that's actually true, of course)
perhaps it was the guilt i felt when i turned out the light
remembering the darkness i felt when i started a fight
i was lonely in my bed cuz i was layin without you
and the only reason i am now defenseless
as because i no longer have you


overall amazing poem. Almost takes me on a journey with you as you experience this. Makes me feel for you.
#9
hey thanks alot for the help, i see what you mean by some of the "cliche" lines, ill be workin on that...anything else you guys would like to crit about it?
#10
it went on about six verses too long, the first stanza is the only thing worth keeping out of all of this, which was surprisingly good.

Everything else was just...painfully bad, for loads of reasons.
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