#1
Hey guys, I'm new to the site and all this band stuff, so I'll probably need alot of help along the way. My band is a metalcore band(we think, we just started it). This is the first song I've written, so tell me what you think:

Verse 1
You tell me to defend myself,
And when I do, you get mad.
You tell me to learn to like myself,
And when I do, you make me sad.

Bridge
I do not understand your logic,
You fight against the actions you told me to do.
And now that I've finally realized it,
I know what you told me is just to help you.

Chorus
You're a liar (liar), cheater (cheater),
You must do wrong to get your way.
You're a liar (liar), cheater (cheater),
You deal with your guilt every day.
You're a failure (failure), traitor (traitor),
I won't become selfish like you.
You're a failure (failure), traitor (traitor),
I will fight for what I know is true.

Verse 2
You tell me I'm being too sincere,
Yet you get mad because I still fight.
You tell me I need to learn more about reality,
Yet you say in the end I am right.

Bridge

Chorus

Breakdown
F*** you I don't need your sh**
F*** you and your prejudice
F*** you I don't need your sh**
F*** you and your prejudice
F*** you I don't need your sh**
F*** you and your prejudice
F*** you I don't need your sh**
F*** you and your prejudice

Chorus

(*) = group shout
So that's the song. I'm going for a sort of Hatebreed-like approach to the lyrics, if you understand what I mean. It's about someone who tried to control my life, so when critiquing it, try not to change the meaning of the song too much, unless it sounds really bad. I also need a name for it, I was thinking something around the lines of Betrayer or Betrayal, but that sounds rather lame. So what do you think??

C4C
Last edited by Scottzar at Oct 5, 2007,
#2
Honestly, i don't like the lyrics. Sounds like a bad rhyming cry along poem...

What you have based it around is really good. but i find it hard to follow. get a recording, i could be completely wrong.
#3
I like the meaning, some of the rhyming needs work, but great for a first time.
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#4
This song is okay I guess. It's a little but confusing. But I like the phrases. Although for the title, i would call it, 'I wont be like you.'
It has no indefinite message, but with a little but of critique, it could be a good song.
#6
Quote by Scottzar
Hey guys, I'm new to the site and all this band stuff, so I'll probably need alot of help along the way. My band is a metalcore band(we think, we just started it). This is the first song I've written, so tell me what you think:

Verse 1
You tell me to defend myself,
And when I do, you get mad.
You tell me to learn to like myself,
And when I do, you make me sad.

A little bland, rhyme and content wise, but if your going for a blunt approach to the lyrics then more power to you.
Bridge
I do not understand your logic,
You fight against the actions you told me to do.
And now that I've finally realized it,
I know what you told me is just to help you.

I think this would actually song very cool in a "metalcore" esque song, with a raw half spoken half screamed type of voice.

Chorus
You're a liar (liar), cheater (cheater),
You must do wrong to get your way.
You're a liar (liar), cheater (cheater),
You deal with your guilt every day.
You're a failure (failure), traitor (traitor),
I won't become selfish like you.
You're a failure (failure), traitor (traitor),
I will fight for what I know is true.

This is quite alright, a little cliched sounding though.

Verse 2
You tell me I'm being too sincere,
Yet you get mad because I still fight.
You tell me I need to learn more about reality,
Yet you say in the end I am right.

Well, I dont know, the vibe im getting from this verse is about the same as the vibe im getting from the rest of the song, It feels like spoken word, not uhh how do you say "songish".

Bridge

Chorus

Breakdown
F*** you I don't need your sh**
F*** you and your prejudice
F*** you I don't need your sh**
F*** you and your prejudice
F*** you I don't need your sh**
F*** you and your prejudice
F*** you I don't need your sh**
F*** you and your prejudice

This really sounds like something that a Hardcore band like Black Flag would put out, I think its a bit much for metalcore though, the cursing is hardly nesesary, but whatever floats you pirate **** i suppose.

Chorus


I havent listened to much hatebreed so I cant say that I know what your talking about, if you can give me some examples of songs to download and listen to maybe my opinions on the song would change...but as it stands, I think this is a good idea, but it definetly needs work.


Thank you for the crit on mine also.
#7
Quote by TheSmilingGoat
the bridge and verses are good but could use a better chorus and that breakdown thing is way to rage against the machineish


I also agree what this sir or madame presented in his review.
#8
Quite good, first verse needs a little work, and the Breakdown is a bit overkill, with the eight f*cks and that, but quite good, the Chorus is definitely cliched, but it works.

Thanks for the crit on mine, BTW.
#9
Thanks for the crits, I'll get to work on it. Also, if anyone can think of a good name, please let me know.

Quote by keepitrock16
This song is okay I guess. It's a little but confusing. But I like the phrases. Although for the title, i would call it, 'I wont be like you.'
It has no indefinite message, but with a little but of critique, it could be a good song.


keepitrock16, that's a decent name idea, but I'm looking for something a bit shorter but still meaningful.

FreeManson15, some good songs to look at by Hatebreed would be Proven, A Call for Blood, Live for This.... just about any of their songs really. They tend to pretty much speak/scream along to the music, so it might always sound songish like you said, but I understand what you mean, it does need a little work.

I'll be posting an entirely new song soon as well, so look out for that. Thanks again.
Your head slowly caves in from the compression
Last edited by Scottzar at Oct 6, 2007,