#1
I just finished this yesterday, and I tried to think about it more than my first piece, so c4c, thanks!

"Turn Back Time"

[Verse 1]
I heard the voices echoing in my head, they
Told me what I needed to do; But my
Actions weren't quite what they said, just the
Opposite then I lost you; If I had
Only listened it just may have been that I
Would've loved you even more; But I
Wasted opportunities again and again, my second
Chance didn't end up any better than before...


[Chorus]
Once in a while I reflect on this, and I
Wonder if it could've turned out better; Cause
I know with love you either hit or you miss, and I
Thought I had a home run forever; You've gotta
Cherish the moment, hold and enjoy it, have
Fun before she walks right out the door; So
There's my advice, and I think it'd be nice, if I could
Stay with the girl, the one I used to adore; So let's
Turn back time once more...


[Guitar Solo 1]

[Verse 2]
I never showed my true feelings towards you, Some
Actions I could all but express; And through
Time and time again it's what I failed to do, I guess
We won't have eternal happiness; I know
I made mistakes, some probably made you cry, so
I'm just saying that I'm sorry; But if you
Wanna take me back I'll have to look you in the eye, Cause
I'm not sure you believe that we're destined to be...


[Chorus]

[Bridge]
You've left me with memories that I will never lose, there's just so
Many lasting times we've had, to pick but one I couldn't choose;
Yet there's still one moment that I wouldn't mind forgetting, the last
Time I asked to hold your hand my heart was crushed cause you refused;
Gazing in your eyes everyday is what I perceived, but an
Everlasting infatuation is what we failed to achieve;
We had a bond for quite some time but then it fell apart, I thought our
Affection was unchangeable, at least that's what I believed...


[Guitar Solo 2/3]

[Chorus/Outro]
Quote by Seryaph
You need to douse it in a 20/30/50 ratio of mustard/ketchup/horseradish and stroke it as fast as you can untill the mayonaise squirts out. Then consume.
#2
Quote by hothead69999
I just finished this yesterday, and I tried to think about it more than my first piece, so c4c, thanks!

"Turn Back Time"

[Verse 1]
I heard the voices echoing in my head, they
Told me what I needed to do; But my
Actions weren't quite what they said, just the
Opposite then I lost you; If I had
Only listened it just may have been that I
Would've loved you even more; But I
Wasted opportunities again and again, my second
Chance didn't end up any better than before...

I realy like the flow of the beginning it took me a few tries but i got it flowing pretty good. At first i didnt notice the rhyming but i thought it was cool that i could tell you were rhyming but couldnt put my finger on what.

[Chorus]
Once in a while I reflect on this, and I
Wonder if it could've turned out better; Cause
I know with love you either hit or you miss, and I
Thought I had a home run forever; You've gotta
Cherish the moment, hold and enjoy it, have
Fun before she walks right out the door; So
There's my advice, and I think it'd be nice, if I could
Stay with the girl, the one I used to adore; So let's
Turn back time once more...

i didnt really like this as a chorus it sounded a bit cheesy the last 3 lines werent bad it was just the beginning.


[Guitar Solo 1]

[Verse 2]
I never showed my true feelings towards you, Some
Actions I could all but express; And through
Time and time again it's what I failed to do, I guess
We won't have eternal happiness; I know
I made mistakes, some probably made you cry, so
I'm just saying that I'm sorry; But if you
Wanna take me back I'll have to look you in the eye, Cause
I'm not sure you believe that we're destined to be...

again this was a solid verse for me. theres nothing i can really say bad about it.
[Chorus]

[Bridge]
You've left me with memories that I will never lose, there's just so
Many lasting times we've had, to pick but one I couldn't choose;
Yet there's still one moment that I wouldn't mind forgetting, the last
Time I asked to hold your hand my heart was crushed cause you refused;
Gazing in your eyes everyday is what I perceived, but an
Everlasting infatuation is what we failed to achieve;
We had a bond for quite some time but then it fell apart, I thought our
Affection was unchangeable, at least that's what I believed...

This bridge is probably my favorite part of the song it seems like a great way to end this piece and this no doubt took some thought.
[Guitar Solo 2/3]

[Chorus/Outro]



overall this was a solid piece, at points a little cliche but i really thought the only thing that dragged down this piece was the chorus. I just didnt really like it. Everything else i enjoyed though nice work
ED REED BABY
#3
Quote by TerpsRHCP
overall this was a solid piece, at points a little cliche but i really thought the only thing that dragged down this piece was the chorus. I just didnt really like it. Everything else i enjoyed though nice work


Thanks, I see what you mean in the chorus, and how it was a little blah, but thanks for criting it.
Quote by Seryaph
You need to douse it in a 20/30/50 ratio of mustard/ketchup/horseradish and stroke it as fast as you can untill the mayonaise squirts out. Then consume.
#4
wow, I loved it, but I agree with the guy above, the chorus is a bit cheesy, but I say thats ok, cause most of my songs are cheesy, one hell of a song you got here, keep up the good work.
#5
Quote by eltyr18
wow, I loved it, but I agree with the guy above, the chorus is a bit cheesy, but I say thats ok, cause most of my songs are cheesy, one hell of a song you got here, keep up the good work.

I could probably change some lyrics in the chorus but make them have the same meaning, like change the "home run forever" part? yea it sorta dosnt fit with the mood of the song
Quote by Seryaph
You need to douse it in a 20/30/50 ratio of mustard/ketchup/horseradish and stroke it as fast as you can untill the mayonaise squirts out. Then consume.
#6
ok i agree with them, the only thing wrong was the cheesy chorus. HOWEVER i think you need to KEEP the home run part. when i read that i was astounded. it was a GREAT comparison, like with some things (a lot of things actually) people try and they just fail. this however was great. if there was one thing i would keep out of all of that it would be those lines about the home run. that's just my opinion. good job.
#7
Quote by Cyclones41
ok i agree with them, the only thing wrong was the cheesy chorus. HOWEVER i think you need to KEEP the home run part. when i read that i was astounded. it was a GREAT comparison, like with some things (a lot of things actually) people try and they just fail. this however was great. if there was one thing i would keep out of all of that it would be those lines about the home run. that's just my opinion. good job.

ok, well if there's one line I WOULD change, it would be the "before she walks right out the door" line. To tell you the truth, I never thought that line was the absolute best fit anyway.
Quote by Seryaph
You need to douse it in a 20/30/50 ratio of mustard/ketchup/horseradish and stroke it as fast as you can untill the mayonaise squirts out. Then consume.
#9
The song was okay. The first phrase was a bit too crowded. The words ran into eachother. And not very good rhyming. But the chorus was pretty well written. Once again, the second phrase, very crowded. The bridge was the best. It was the best to the song.
Keep it up.
#10
Quote by keepitrock16
The song was okay. The first phrase was a bit too crowded. The words ran into eachother. And not very good rhyming. But the chorus was pretty well written. Once again, the second phrase, very crowded. The bridge was the best. It was the best to the song.
Keep it up.

Um...I'm pretty sure it rhymes, maybe you can't tell because I sorta typed it weird, the words after the commas are like pickups to the next measure. Idk if that helps but thanks for the crit.
Quote by Seryaph
You need to douse it in a 20/30/50 ratio of mustard/ketchup/horseradish and stroke it as fast as you can untill the mayonaise squirts out. Then consume.
#11
Quote by Cyclones41
i agree with that. that line could probably go/change

I changed that line, and I think it goes better.
Here's the old line:

"Have fun before she walks right out the door"

Here's the new line:

"Don't lose that special one you've waited for"

Tell me what you think...?

EDIT: Sorry, really didn't mean to 2x post
Quote by Seryaph
You need to douse it in a 20/30/50 ratio of mustard/ketchup/horseradish and stroke it as fast as you can untill the mayonaise squirts out. Then consume.
Last edited by hothead69999 at Oct 3, 2007,