#1
this is my attempt at a RHCP song im not sure how good it is its a song i thought up in history class. Most of it is just random images except the white canoes but it's a long story. it does have an underlying meaning most of the verses mean something different so yea. it might not flow real well but how i sing it it does so.

um so crit4crit thanks


White Canoes

I’m drifting in and out of,
What I thought was real
But I can’t tell, I can only feel.

I saw a blue fish walk across the sky
That’s a fact I just won’t deny
Now come on when have I lied?
You may trust me now man,
But take it all with a grain of sand,
Cause reality and dreaming go hand in hand.
I saw a red man singing with a bird,
No sir I’m not no drunkard.
Trust me man I know what I heard.

I’m drifting in and out of,
What I thought was real
But I can’t tell, I can only feel.

I saw a river and a white canoe
Is that me or is it you?
Maybe it was a some of your voodoo.
I coulda sworn I saw you naked,
And my girl did you fake it,
Its ok I know how you fainted.
Give me a little and a little more
Come with me, I’m your savior,
Together we can win this war.

I’m drifting in and out of,
What I thought was real
But I can’t tell, I can only feel.

I’m drifting in and out of,
What I thought was real
But I can’t tell, I can only feel.
ED REED BABY
#2
Quote by TerpsRHCP
this is my attempt at a RHCP song im not sure how good it is its a song i thought up in history class. Most of it is just random images except the white canoes but it's a long story. it does have an underlying meaning most of the verses mean something different so yea. it might not flow real well but how i sing it it does so.

um so crit4crit thanks


White Canoes

I’m drifting in and out of,
What I thought was real
But I can’t tell, I can only feel.

I thought that was a cool way to start the song, sorta leaves you wondering "what can't he tell?"

I saw a blue fish walk across the sky
That’s a fact I just won’t deny
Now come on when have I lied?
You may trust me now man,
But take it all with a grain of sand,
Cause reality and dreaming go hand in hand.
I saw a red man singing with a bird,
No sir I’m not no drunkard.
Trust me man I know what I heard.

I like the 3 line sections you have, and the reality/dreaming bit is good. Also, the last line you say "trust me man I know" which then leads into the chorus where you talk about then you "thought" it was real, idk I just that was cool.

I’m drifting in and out of,
What I thought was real
But I can’t tell, I can only feel.

I saw a river and a white canoe
Is that me or is it you?
Maybe it was a some of your voodoo.
I coulda sworn I saw you naked,
And my girl did you fake it,
Its ok I know how you fainted.
Give me a little and a little more
Come with me, I’m your savior,
Together we can win this war.

This section was pretty good, but I didn't really get the naked/fake/faint part. Maybe I just couldn't think clear but I still can't figure it out. But I liked the other lines, the last 3 I throught were pretty good

I’m drifting in and out of,
What I thought was real
But I can’t tell, I can only feel.

I’m drifting in and out of,
What I thought was real
But I can’t tell, I can only feel.


All in all, I thought it was well done, good job!

Can you crit mine, please?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=684179
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#3
Wow, that was some crazy lyrics. I liked the line, 'a saw a river and a white canoe,' very much. Very cool image. It didn't resemble RHCP lyrics much, but that was a good thing. I like these very much, you should keep writing. It was splendid.
#4
edit: haha ok then i wont ahve the backround but thanks for the crits
ED REED BABY
Last edited by TerpsRHCP at Oct 3, 2007,
#5
^ Don't tell us the background. It spoils the song.

Anyway, I can't find much wrong with it except the flow was a little shaky at times.

One last tip, do not try to imitate another person's lyrical styling unless it's a necessary satire or tribute. When you're writing a wholly serious song, do it your own way.

Crit mine? ("Sentences", it's on the first page (EDIT: or maybe 2nd or 3rd now) of the S&L forum...)
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


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Last edited by break-me-in at Oct 4, 2007,