#1
I haven't posted something here in a while so ill see how it goes

Break Down

Breaking down isn’t so easy to do
When the one I’m with is you
Counting down the hour only happens
When we are apart
Smiling is so much easier
When you aren’t holding me down

Freedom is so unwanted
Who wants to be free?
I can only know for certain
It will never be me

A longing’s not so hard on the heart
When I know you’re coming soon
But I’m just holding on, only just
When it’s dark and I’m alone
Finding sunshine is harder at night
When I’m crying for belonging

The clouds they are forgiving
When its been raining all day
Torment closes you up inside
When trying won’t cut it anymore
Friday afternoon is so much sweeter
When I know you’re coming by

Falling over is only funny
When you’re not laughing on your own
I live by all the words you give
When I’m not all cut up inside
The only time I can truly fly is
When I’ve given all I can give
Last edited by bluephyre at Oct 5, 2007,
#2
GOOD GOOD!!! Very good rhyming, relavant message..............so very good for the first one in a while.
#3
i like it, this is really good
i think maybe change the "when im crying for belonging" line tho
i really like the "Falling over is only funny
When you’re not laughing on your own"
would be good to hear this song
#4
You mistook my poem for a song, so I'll guess that's what this is. Most poems and songs need to be treated differently, and I can only relate to poems. I'll do my best with this.

Break Down

Breaking down isn’t so easy to do
When the one I’m with is you
Counting down the our only happens <- I don't understand this line at all.
When we are apart
Smiling is so much easier
When you aren’t holing me down <- holding?

Freedom is so unwanted
Who wants to be free?
I can only now for certain <- be certain?
It will never be me

A longing’s not so hard on the heart
When I know you’re coming soon
But I’m just holding on, only just
When it’s dark and I’m alone
Finding sunshine is harder at night
When I’m crying for belonging
Night works well here. Double meaning of actual night or possibly the darkness of longing.

The clouds they are forgiving
If you don't absolutely need "they" to maintain the rhythm here, drop it. If you do, consider trying another way.
When its been raining all day
Torment closes you up inside
When trying won’t cut it anymore
Friday afternoon is so much sweeter
When I know you’re coming by

Falling over is only funny
When you’re not laughing on your own
I live by all the words you give
When I’m not all cut up inside
The only time I can truly fly is
When I’ve given all I can give

I don't think it works all that well as poetry. Bit and snippets pointing in the same general direction. But many successful songs do the same, so how it meshes with the music, will determine whether it works or not.
Meadows
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#5
Thanks, I just realised how many typos are in there ill haveto fix them up, sorry about treating yours as a song, poetry isn't really one of my stronger points