#1
Yes first piece in a while. Its not perfect yet but ive come here for some help on it.
If you cant figure out the meaning of the piece yourself just ask and I shall post it for you. Anyway its crit for crit so leave a link. And the title mean "The key its in the..." I just think its a bit nicer in French. Happy reading.


La clef ses dedans…

Trapped in a cage of mind
The key is in our words
Under the falling snow
I tried to set myself free
But the words were wrong
The key didn’t fit
It never does

The cell holds riches
Which send the owner mad
Searching for that key
To let the treasure out
For what use is a treasure?
If there is no one to keep it from?


Our only true limitation is not the sky, but our language
Last edited by Feel bad inc. at Oct 3, 2007,
#2
Well i liked the overall idea of it especially the first stanza but i didn't like the second stanza .
Some of the lines felt disjointed like especially the 2nd line of 2nd stanza.

"They send the owner mad" doesn't make much sense . I am assuming it's a typo other than that the idea was good .

Some sort of conclusive statement was missing in 2nd stanza but ur last line stands alone very well .

Andy
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at Oct 3, 2007,
#3
Ah sorry my mistake, "They send the owner mad" is meant to be, "Which send the owner mad" Hope that makes sense now. thanks for the crit
#4
Quote by Feel bad inc.

La clef ses dedans…

Trapped in a cage of mind
The key is in our words
Under the falling snow
I tried to set myself free
But the words were wrong
The key didn’t fit
It never does

I like this stanza. The idea is conveyed well but it leaves room to be built on.

The cell holds riches
Which send the owner mad
Searching for that key
To let the treasure out
For what use is a treasure?
If there is no one to keep it from?


In my opinion the last two lines of this stanza would work better as just one question rather than two. The rest of the stanza works well.

Our only true limitation is not the sky, but our language

This line is a strong finish that sums up the piece well in my opinion.


I like the idea that this piece conveys although a third stanza that answers the question posed in the second stanza would provide a good flow between the second stanza and the final line.
Ka pu te ruha ka hao te rangatahi.
#6
Yea that wasn't worded very well. I sorta meant build on the idea that the question brings up. Maybe expand on it a bit. It just came across to me as a bit abrubt, suggesting an idea but then just finishing. I hope that makes sense.
Ka pu te ruha ka hao te rangatahi.
#7
Regarding your title, it should be "La clef est dans..."

ses is a possessive pronoun while est is "verbe être" (verb to be). As for "dedans", it's barely ever used. "dans" seems less out of the place .

On with the actual piece!

"In a cage of mind" didn't really make it for me. with the phrasing, you suggest that the cage is actually made "of mind", which is pretty hard to picture, you would agree. there are plenty of actually material things that you could use to differently build up this image that you're trying to convey. Or maybe just changing the phrasing to something in the lines of "trapped in our minds like in cages". Something like that.

Maybe add some punctuation there, also. In S1, it seems at first that it's your words that are under the falling snow. Line 5 in stanza 1 seems repetitive to me. It doesn't add anything. You already established the relation in between "words" and "key", so I would suggest using only one of them.

As for stanza 2, it seemed confusing to me. You had this treasure thing coming out of nowhere. Are you referring to yoursel(ves)f? It all seems very vague...The persons that "owns" the treasure probably did imprison it himself/herself, so he/she shouldn't have a hard time finding the key back... Hopefully that makes sense.

Last problem I see with this piece, is that you're giving something to reader that he can refer to. You're saying "I tried to set myself free", but then, we never hear of that "I" again. I don't know if we could say that you're having a narrative change in between both stanzas, but the voice changes in something way more objective, and I felt like I didn't hear about what I wanted to hear about when I finished that poem.

You're having a strong base here, good images. I just think you need to know more where you want to go with this piece. I'd suggest making it more connected.

I must admit I agree with the ending line.

I hope that helped

-Mathieu
#8
Quote by Feel bad inc.



La clef ses dedans…

Trapped in a cage of mind
The key is in our words
Under the falling snow
I tried to set myself free
But the words were wrong
The key didn’t fit
It never does

Good concept, however, I don't feel like this flowed very well. Also, "cage of mind" was cool, however I think you should identify something else with it, maybe "my mind" or ?broken Mind" something... so it doesn't seem like a cool line launched in simply because it sounds cool.

The cell holds riches
Which send the owner mad
Searching for that key
To let the treasure out
For what use is a treasure?
If there is no one to keep it from?


First 3 lines were good. I was excited to finish reading it. And then the last 3 killed it. I don;'t even know that I like the concept here. Not sure what to offer as advice, as I think I would drop those lines and start again.

Our only true limitation is not the sky, but our language

I love this line. Very deep, very catchy, very good.


Overall, a good start. Definitely could use some tweaking in the second verse... however, I think it has a lot of potential. We'll go with 7/10.

Any questions, let me know. Thanks for the Crit.

Peace and coconuts,

-ZC
#9
The last 3 lines mean that whats the point of having all this knowledge and feelings if we cannot share it, or make people understand it because we cannot communicate them, but ill take your advice and look at changing them, thank you.