#1
Hello,

I would like to share my lyrics with you to my new song :

41 Victims of Life

A scar
sewed with 40 stitches
how could this happen?
how bad it itches!
He remembers
back to the day
far away in the past
judgement day!

a screw
in his head
told him what to do
tightend up with every step
A noise, a scream
he felt like in a dream
thoughts trapped
like in a spider web


Chorus

every stitch
one life of a person
taking away his sorrow
like an curse he's been banned in
delicious devil's sin

His eyes as red as blood
hate took hold of his thoughts
his arm felt like fire
he saw something dripping down
he was slightly looking at his arm


every stitch
one life of a person
taking away his sorrow
like an curse he's been banned in
delicious devil's sin

Bridge:

One second
he has been busted by police
claimed to be innocent
they put him into jail
I felt like god
or the devil himself
took lives away

Now I look at my scar
it is sewed with 40 Stitches
holy damn I felt so strong
what did I do wrong?
what did I do wrong?

My memories are fading
I look at my arm
seemed it was just yesterday
I took these forty lives away


I dont speak English as my native language,so I wanted to ask you for feedback and maybe corrections in words etc.
That' ll be great


greez Alexzfan123
Alexz Johnson rocks
#2
Well, as I myself value frankness when critiquing, I will be blunt. I didn't like these lyrics, but I do see potential. They just did not create good imagery, and were bland. Lines like,
'His eyes as red as blood
hate took hold of his thoughts
his arm felt like fire
he saw something dripping down
he was slightly looking at his arm'

Read like a story, not lyrics. They don't flow well. But keep working and I know you will get it. Please critique mine please,
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=684207, thank you.
#3
This song is a great concept but everything is too blatant.

For example:
"every stitch
one life of a person"
You don't need to actually say this. If your metaphor is good enough, this interpretation should be readily available, amongst others.

Also, you used all sorts of seriously cliched descriptions such as "His eyes as red as blood". Overused all the time. You switch between "he/they/I" much too frequently so it's unclear who you're referring to and what characters exist within the piece, this contributes to a poor flow, as does the irregular rhyming pattern and syllable length.

Finally, use a thesaurus or something to avoid using words like "busted" in reference to the police.

However, all this said, since English isn't your native language, I'm fairly impressed. I know I could never write half as fluently in a foreign tongue.

(Now you owe me a crit pleaaase. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=684492 )
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


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Last edited by break-me-in at Oct 4, 2007,
#4
@all> thanks for the critique.

I really try hard to make it sound nice.

mhh, the rhymes are kind of bad, you are right there.
I layed the rhymes down to my melody , so it kind of fits.

greez
Alexz Johnson rocks