#1
(EDIT2: Do I really need to bother even saying C4C?)

This is about trying to say something but not quite being able to. I'm leaving what the something is open to interpretation, although I'm sure most people will pounce on the most obvious asking someone out. Anyway, I thought it sounded a little pretentious and the metaphors were somewhat clumsy so I decided I'd get some feedback and... well here I am. (EDIT: Oh by the way I forgot to mention the misspelling of "here" is deliberate.)


Would you rather I were speaking for the sake of speaking?
I would, in all honesty and awkwardness, to keep you hear beside me,
And so my tongue twists around and trips over itself.

The words have escaped and now it's too late
For them to be recalled and imprisoned in my throat
So I barricade all other fleeing words behind my lips.
You ask what was about to escape from my mouth.
The tangled mess of letters reach my tongue, but I swallow them back.
“Nothing. It doesn’t matter.”
Losing my nerve.
I sentence the words to my head until their next chance for a hearing.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
Last edited by break-me-in at Oct 24, 2008,
#2
This is really good. It's short, but sweet. I think that at the end, you should have made the last sentence a little stronger, but overall, I think that this was a good poem.
#3
i really like this poem. it can be applied to alot of thinks not just asking girls out. i really like the description of everything thats goin on nicely done. thanks for the crit
ED REED BABY
#4
Quote by break-me-in

Would you rather I were speaking for the sake of speaking?
I would, in all honesty and awkwardness, to keep you hear beside me, Line break, maybe?
And so my tongue twists around and trips over itself
The words have escaped now and it is too late Maybe take out 'now' for some internal rhymey goodness.
For them to be recalled and imprisoned in my vocal cavity 'Vocal cavity' sounds a bit awkward.
So I barricade all other fleeing words behind my lips.
You ask what was about to escape from my mouth.
The tangled mess of letters reach my tongue, but I swallow them back.
“Nothing. It doesn’t matter.”
Losing my nerve.
I sentence the words to my head until their next chance for a hearing. - I changed the structure a bit, I think it gives it more oomph.


What you've got here is some great, meaningful stuff. As I said, you just need to work on how it's laid out to make it really hit home.
#5
Quote by break-me-in
(EDIT2: Do I really need to bother even saying C4C?) It really should go without saying, shouldn't it?

Would you rather I were speaking for the sake of speaking?
I would, in all honesty and awkwardness, to keep you hear beside me,
Really like this. Change nothing.
And so my tongue twists around and trips over itself.
Can't say anything bad. These kind of things are commen, but it works too well here for me to be a stickler about it.

The words have escaped and now it's too late
For them to be recalled and imprisoned in my vocal cavity
"vocal cavity" seems stangely put. Kind of messes up the rhythm.
So I barricade all other fleeing words behind my lips.
Nice.
You ask what was about to escape from my mouth.
The tangled mess of letters reach my tongue, but I swallow them back.
“Nothing. It doesn’t matter.”
Losing my nerve.
I sentence the words to my head until their next chance for a hearing.
I really like what you were trying to say at the end here. It was real sweet.


Very clever and original. I don't have much criticism aside from what I pointed out. If I can say anything else though, it would be in the second half of the second paragraph, there's something about the way its written that doesn't impact as it should. What you're saying is perfect, maybe just some small revisions as to how you say it? I hope I'm making sense, it's been a long day.
Thanks for getting to mine. I'll be looking out for more of your stuff.

#6
Ok so it's been firmly established I need to replace vocal cavity. Any suggestions for a replacement?

Thanks to Easty1 for the restructuring (some of which I implemented, some not) and the internal rhyme; thanks to monkeyguitar78 for critting me despite my crit of his being entirely unhelpful ( ), for giving me another restructure idea with the end part, and for agreeing with me that C4C should go without saying.

Also
"I'll be looking out for more of your stuff."
This is the first time I've posted in this forum for ages, which I attribute to lack of inspiration (writer's block?) and the fact that I've been very self-critical about the stuff I've written in that time. However, putting Sentences up has made me realise how helpful other opinions can be so I guess I'll be returning to this forum for a while.

(And sorry to anyone who actually bothered to read this post, for how boring and unnecessary it is )
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#7
Hey

I think your lyric sounds kind of like a poem. While reading I noticed It doesn't really sound like an song text,but tell me if I'm wrong

but all in all I really think you did a nice job. I like it.
Alexz Johnson rocks
#8
Quote by Alexzfan123
Hey

I think your lyric sounds kind of like a poem. While reading I noticed It doesn't really sound like an song text,but tell me if I'm wrong

but all in all I really think you did a nice job. I like it.


Yeah it is a poem. I'll probably steal a few lines when I'm writing a song though. That's right, I'm going to steal... from myself.

Does anyone have something to replace "vocal cavity"? Make it less messy?
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#9
First of all thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. Anyways, I really don't see anything wrong with this piece. I guess the only complaint I have is that the flow seemed kind of iffy. I would maybe just read it over and perhaps delete some unneccesary words. The subject matter was well handled and I liked the imagery you used. Nice job, and keep it up. (BTW instead of "vocal cavity" why not just say "throat")
#10
Pretty good, seems too short though, but whatever floats your boat. I'm a Hatebreed fan, I shouldn't be saying that.... Anyways, good, flow needs a little work. Basically same stuff everyone is saying.
Your head slowly caves in from the compression