#1
Home
is where comfort roams;
silent but as welcome
as a whisper of breeze
in the heat of humidity.

Inisde, ropes of reassurance
lay along the halls,
offering complacency.

A well-worn abode.
Beds are cocoons,
chairs warm to the touch.

Sometimes, the draught
from the open door sparks
the hairs on my neck into life.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Oct 4, 2007,
#2
I actually really, really like this.

I think there's something in the last stanza, though, and I can't put my finger on it..
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#3
very nice, people need to write more literature of tranquility around here.

i suppose it depends where you're from, but in canada 'draught' usually has to do with beer on tap. as opposed to draft, which would be more about a windy house.

but beer on tap makes me feel at home too.

overall a nice quick little piece, doesn't try to over explain anything, short and sweet.

care to crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=684323
Grammar and spelling omitted as an exercise for the reader.
#4
Quote by culex-knight


I think there's something in the last stanza, though, and I can't put my finger on it..


I took out the "back", so it's just "open door". I think here were too many syllables.

kivarren - draught in england is the windy home feel. Draught is also beer, yeah. draft in england is, say, doing a first draft of a noel or something.

Thanks for your time. I'll get back to yours.
#5
Home
is where comfort roams;
silent but as welcome
as a whisper of breeze
in the heat of humidity.

I usually find simile clumsy, this one was no exception. Not horrible, but few can make them flow well. I usually don't bother. Maybe you'll master this at some point. Maybe drop the first "as"? A comma after silent wouldn't hurt.

Inisde, ropes of reassurance
<- How did you miss a misspelling in a piece this short?
lay along the halls,
offering complacency.

A well-worn abode.
Beds are cocoons,
chairs warm to the touch.

Sometimes, the draught
from the open door sparks
the hairs on my neck into life.


Short economical pieces seem to be the "in thing" these days. In addition to being a tidy little piece, you also led from the title right into the body of the work. Nice touch.
Meadows
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Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Oct 5, 2007,