#1
I just want some crit please. Thanks.

Someone very close to me flies to Afghanistan tomorrow and even though this is not how i feel about them, it just gave me inspiration.

"flying out for good"

Everytime I think you may not return.
It eats away at me.
You may not return,
its that easy to see.
The day we met we were friends from the off
but now you're gone
you may not come back
oh what have they done?

I may not ever see you again
you may not ever return home,
you might be flying out for good
The dicks in power may shout,
They're not fighting the war
They're not the ones losing blood.

Fighting in the blinding heat of day
its eats away at you.
I think of you all day
what am i supposed to do?
I'm counting down the long days.
until you're not gone
I prey you come back
Oh what have they done?

I may not ever see you again
you may not ever return home,
you might be flying out for good
The dicks in power may shout,
They're not fighting the war
They're not the ones losing blood.

The days roll by
why, oh why
the war is on
The falling bombs
You're in there
with camo to wear
until you return
my soul does burn

I may not ever see you again
you may not ever return home,
you might be flying out for good
The dicks in power may shout,
They're not fighting the war
They're not the ones losing blood.

I may not ever see you again
you may not ever return home,
you might be flying out for good
The dicks in power may shout,
They're not fighting the war
They're not the ones losing blood.
#2
Well, I thought this was pretty good, except for a just a lil thing, the "dicks" in power? but other than that, I liked it. Could you crit my new song? please
Btw, I wish whoever is flying away good luck.
Quote by Seryaph
You need to douse it in a 20/30/50 ratio of mustard/ketchup/horseradish and stroke it as fast as you can untill the mayonaise squirts out. Then consume.
#4
Quote by tanglewoodguit
I just want some crit please. Thanks.

Someone very close to me flies to Afghanistan tomorrow and even though this is not how i feel about them, it just gave me inspiration.

"flying out for good"

Everytime I think you may not return.
It eats away at me.
Cliche, but okay..kind of worded awkwardly aswell but maybe I'm just being picky
You may not return,
Definately not a fan of repeating "returned"
its that easy to see.
Forced rhyming as far as I can tell.
The day we met we were friends from the off
but now you're gone
I can't feel a sense of rhythm here.
you may not come back
oh what have they done?

Okay.....not bad but needs some work.

I may not ever see you again
you may not ever return home,
Very bland. You're saying the same thing twice, I feel its unnecessary.
you might be flying out for good
Again, repeating the same thing in a diffrent way, it's like you couldn't come up with anything else.
The dicks in power may shout,
Awful. Very out of the blue, and the use of "dicks" REALLY brings your piece down.
They're not fighting the war
They're not the ones losing blood.
Heard it before, but okay.

Fighting in the blinding heat of day
its eats away at you.
I think of you all day
what am i supposed to do?
I'm counting down the long days.
until you're not gone
"Until you're not gone" is very awkward.
I prey you come back
Pray.
Oh what have they done?
Mmk. Again, doesn't leave much for the imagination.

I may not ever see you again
you may not ever return home,
you might be flying out for good
The dicks in power may shout,
They're not fighting the war
They're not the ones losing blood.

The days roll by
why, oh why
Try not to focus so much on rhyming.
the war is on
The falling bombs
You're in there
with camo to wear
until you return
my soul does burn
Very very cliche.

I may not ever see you again
you may not ever return home,
you might be flying out for good
The dicks in power may shout,
They're not fighting the war
They're not the ones losing blood.

I may not ever see you again
you may not ever return home,
you might be flying out for good
The dicks in power may shout,
They're not fighting the war
They're not the ones losing blood.


So, maybe I'm being harsh. But to be honest, I wasn't exactly a fan, as you may have been able to tell. The idea wasn't particularly original, but its a big issue so of course it will be commen. I think you focused too much on trying to rhyme and it brought down the piece. It was also difficult to find a sense of rhythm at times, and you seemed to not have enough to say, and so simply repeated yourself. Some revisions should surely be made, they will help a great deal.

If you have the time, mine is entitled "Sidelines".

#6
Ok...My crit on this.

(Just have to say before hand that when it comes to poetry, I'm more of a classic guy - favoring the works of around 1950 - 1970. See 'Jonathan Swift') So when it comes to more modern poems and lyrics, I find it very hard to be objective. I will try though...

Everytime I think you may not return.
It eats away at me.
You may not return,
its that easy to see.
The day we met we were friends from the off
but now you're gone
you may not come back
oh what have they done?

First of all. I think there's way too much punctuation in here for a poem of this type. It makes it feel extremely forced I feel. Also, I don't like the fact that line 1 AND 3 end with 'return'

I may not ever see you again
you may not ever return home,
you might be flying out for good
The dicks in power may shout,
They're not fighting the war
They're not the ones losing blood.

The more I read this poem the more I feel that you should do some serious study (Not because you are incompetent) into the works of Theodore Roethke. Your work seems to tend towards story telling rather than strict rhyming and the like. Which is great! But a strong balance needs to be achieved so that it sounds like a story AND a poem. Mentioning trifling details is good to do but doing it too much may be harmful to the general feel. Check out some of Roethke's work. Especially poems like 'The Far Field' and perhaps even some of Sylvia Plath's work.

Fighting in the blinding heat of day
its eats away at you.
I think of you all day
what am i supposed to do?
I'm counting down the long days.
until you're not gone
I prey you come back
Oh what have they done?

'Prey I guess, should be 'pray'? I liked this part a lot. It feels sort of ominous. Especially the part of 'What have they done?'. I would play even more with this general feeling of foreboding.

The days roll by
why, oh why
the war is on
The falling bombs
You're in there
with camo to wear
until you return
my soul does burn

Please oh PLEASE change the second line. (Why, oh why). The end is very good though. Probably the best part of the whole thing! (Not because it's over now lol)

Not a completely thorough evaluation, but I am feeling rather tired now. Beddy Bed time now.

Keep up the good work.
Guess what scale this song is in and I'll give you an eCookie.

Temporal
#7
Quote by *powerslave*
Sounds a bit to forced rhyme in places... did you say its going to be an acoustic?


I dunno. I just wanted a crit for my first piece of work. I'll take it off if you want.
#8
I respect ur feelings and all but this was simply boring for me . Don't take it in a wrong way . Some of lines were really cliche and awkward . they can be phrase much better .
Monkey guitar and degorath have almost covered everything . So there's no point of repeating those things again . Next time pre plan ur stufff and don't rush things .

thnx for the crit but learn to crit. properly

Andy
Hi
#9
Quote by abhishek21
I respect ur feelings and all but this was simply boring for me . Don't take it in a wrong way . Some of lines were really cliche and awkward . they can be phrase much better .
Monkey guitar and degorath have almost covered everything . So there's no point of repeating those things again . Next time pre plan ur stufff and don't rush things .

thnx for the crit but learn to crit. properly

Andy



Yeah he wrote this pretty quick and put the lyrics on ug quite soon after