#1
Her stomach rose, stuttered and fell. His face buried, warm under the folds of her sweatshirt. She smelled of dryer lint and new beginnings. He smelled of fresh rainfall and viginity. Her thong shone out, purple against the dirty white comforter. His fluttering eyes darted about, deranged. The room they lay on was dimly lit. Suddenly, he rose, and with some effort aroused her to face him. Their knees touched awkwardly. He clasped her hands tight. Her chest quickened. He clinched her soul with words. She was so content. She was so completely content. Her stomach rose, stuttered and fell, caving in upon itself.
Last edited by #1 synth at Oct 3, 2007,
#2
This makes me physically ill.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#3
I like it, it's a different style then i'm used to reading, it's very originol.
#4
I love that. Such a simple scene to picture but you've brought much more life to it. It makes me remember things in my own life, and think it's always good when a piece makes a connection between you and your life. I also love the repetition near the end, it really makes an impact.

Crit mine if you've got the time!
#6
Quote by #1 synth
Her stomach rose, stuttered and fell.

Worded like as if you were autistic. It's confusing and at first I thought you were talking about a rose inside someone's stomach which is a much better image and more creative, but you weren't, you just used the word improperly. It should be Her stomach had risen, stuttered and fell. And let's be honest, even that stinks.

His face buried, warm under the folds of her sweatshirt.

The word warm, makes no logical sense in there. If Evan were here he would use some sort of english term, but I'll just say it sucks and is probably grammatically wrong in the sense that it is an adjective describing nothing. It's like, why bother putting it there, where it is awkward and silly, when you could just place it normally and sound like you're a regular person with a regular speech pattern. Who speaks in jumbled poetry? If you were telling this story to a friend, would you say it like that, because if you would, I'd have to head butt you in the yogurt. Make it, "His warm face buried....etc" it sounds better and is just...less dumb.

She smelled of dryer lint and new beginnings. He smelled of fresh rainfall and virginity.

Meh, what does dryer lint smell like? Why does she smell like it, was she just tumbling around in the dryer? Did she just put on warm clothes? Can she just smell like fabric softener and be done with all this poetic gobbledy-gook. Same with the next line. Why not just say he had just stepped in from the the rain and he was a virgin. You're missing key points that could lead to good writing. If I were writing this, I would focus on not the physical descriptions, because these mean nothing, but how they felt. Why smelling like a virgin is important and noteworthy, not stating it just because.

Her thong shone out, purple against the dirty white comforter.

Really? Come on...really...? Really.

His fluttering eyes darted about, deranged.

That's it. That's the last description I am reading with no follow up. Why are his eyes fluttering around the room?! Is he about to puke? Is he nervouse? Is he awkwardly gay? What!? What is it?!?!

The room they lay on was dimly lit. Suddenly, he rose, and with some effort aroused her to face him. Their knees touched awkwardly. He clasped her hands tight. Her chest quickened. He clinched her soul with words. She was so content. She was so completely content. Her stomach rose, stuttered and fell, caving in upon itself.


You used the word rose, in this three times, and each time was stupid. Also you used the word soul, which detracts from all merit of writing. This is poorly written for a prose piece and I honestly think you could have done a lot better, because heaven knows this garbage can't be passing as legitimate prose these days. I felt like it was an eighth grader's creative writing project on the "Having A Girlfriend."

Stop trying to write like Hemingway, because it's boring when you muck it up and the only person who could pull it off well was himself.

Cheers!

Matt
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#7
He used "rose" correctly. Simple past vs past participle.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#10
Quote by culex-knight
He used "rose" correctly. Simple past vs past participle.


I don't care, it still sounded bad.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic