#1
Wrote this a while ago for a series of poems...What do you think?

It's called 'The Gatherer'

I am the man who lives all alone
in the place that no-one has seen
where snow falls like waves and the sun knows no home
in darkness I lie and wait

Search no more, for the master of tears
for he's found his barren thoughts here
when the drops by his feet dried before he could blink
I destroyed him in the palm of my grief

And when the martyr of sin came to lie by my door
where he moaned like a dog in the shadows
I cast him not even scraps or bones
But consume did he, with an atheist's tongue

Yes, I am that man who collects all the dreams
of hope that might be forgotten
And I am the man in whom pain is born
in a blackness with no door
So, think you are lost and find my words here
where light once burned through the clouds
But know I exist in worlds only my own
Know I can be, but never go home
Guess what scale this song is in and I'll give you an eCookie.

Temporal
#2
I am the man who lives all alone
in the place that no-one has seen
where snow falls like waves and the sun knows no home
in darkness I lie and wait
The first 3 lines are fine, but the 4th lines just doesn't flow. The syllables are fine but theres something about it i just don't like.


Search no more, for the master of tears
for he's found his barren thoughts here
when the drops by his feet dried before he could blink
I destroyed him in the palm of my grief
Again, the 2nd line is a bit iffy. Love teh 3rd and 4th though.


And when the martyr of sin came to lie by my door
where he moaned like a dog in the shadows
I cast him not even scraps or bones
But consume did he, with an atheist's tongue
sounds fine. Last line could be improved. I need to think more in detail on how you can improve it.

Yes, I am that man who collects all the dreams
of hope that might be forgotten
And I am the man in whom pain is born
in a blackness with no door
So, think you are lost and find my words here
where light once burned through the clouds
But know I exist in worlds only my own
Know I can be, but never go home...
Love the ending. Love the last verse.


Overall pretty good. Need to work on it a bit.

Can you crit mine please?