#1
I'm back, after roughly two and a half months of being banned, perma-banned, and physically molested. It's all behind me now, and everything else is between me and my parol officer.

I don't plan on changing the world now that I'm back, just rule it.

Enjoy

Foxy Foxy & Rory Have Their First Kiss

He'll pack up and pack out, he's an
artist who spells his name "Are test."
He's a prince who spells his name
"Prints." Coughed up like folded
paper, he'll pay her with
origami swans, stories about
Tokyo streets and transparent
women who died in their sleep
and loved in his arms.

Rory's first kiss was in the third grade.
Ever since then he's been building
walls with his "ABC" blocks
and the only thing big enough
to look over is his own
sky high ego. All the while my grin
is so admirable the teeth from my
tiger cut falsies, are stained
pearly, pearly red. And the blemish
on my laugh is a gaping horizon,
swallowing every plane and bird
that he throws in the air.

Rory is thinking about the last time
he honestly loved someone. I know it from the
crystal glimmer in his silly stare. That
over-due whimper between the bite and
bone. Pay her with folded paper.
Foxy Foxy legs, and Foxy Foxy limbs,
Foxy Foxy climbs and Foxy Foxy lives.
Foxy Foxy teeths, and Foxy Foxy mouths
Foxy Foxy eats and
Foxy Foxy shits out.
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Last edited by Something_Vague at Oct 11, 2007,
#2
Oh no! You're back...

It will be a clash of titans, Mat versus Matt! O_o

EDIT: nice colour change, that orange looked revolting...
Last edited by confusius at Oct 4, 2007,
#3
Loved it it up to the ending. Sort felt useless to me if get what I mean. Like, it was sort of catchy but not enough to make it worth it in my opinion. Felt like you could have said the same in a more efficient way. Cute though.


Good see you back
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#5
I'll give you a proper crit some other time, when I actually feel like critting.

For now, I'll just say you have nothing to thanks me for.

EDIT: check your messages

EDIT2: got it already, come on msn, fool...
Last edited by confusius at Oct 4, 2007,
#6

I loved the middle part, but have mixed feelings about the first and last. Well mainly just the first, because the last I just don't really like. Just the last last part though. In fact, I like the end of the first part, and the beginning of the last. But not the rest.

Y'know?




love is a dog from hell.



#8
I loved it no matter what what people say it was refreshing and very indulging .
I loved ur narration in second stanza . Srry for a lame critique....
#10
Bar the 'blemish on my laugh' line, which was pretty nifty, i disliked the second stanza.

the whole building blocks (and third grade) thing, it's just something you hear alot and it takes away the whole freshly fruity freshness that the rest of the piece was smoking.

'pay her with folder paper' - very skilled, you're a very skilled skill skiller and this is some skillful skilling.

i liked the style, it's relieving to read something that isn't written by a normal person
#11
This is an refreshing surprise. I'm in a sticky that isn't writer of the month.

www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#12
Wow, really good. I really have nothing to critique about it..... great job.
Your head slowly caves in from the compression
#13
You use some of your standard imagery (namely the use of origami.) but overall, it's a pretty solid return for you. I think it's definitely got a catchiness to it that most of your work doesn't have, which is nice.

The use of the same idea (I think, anyway.) twice bothered me a little ("Are test"/"Prints") but that's your call.

I don't really have much to say, other than that. I mean, your stuff is usually more cryptic than this, and I don't feel like I need to interpret this all that much... correct me if I'm wrong, and I'll read it again.
#16
I absolutely despised the last stanza.

The first two felt like "standard" S_V.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#17
Not sure about using the "Prints" immediately after the "Are test", try finding another place for it. Other than that, the first stanza was perfect, & the strongest one for me. I also dislike the last stanza, which seemed bland in comparison to the other two. Haven't got many suggestions, nice piece.