#1
money is the root of all evil
roots are the money of the peaceful
with your riches rotted, your garments moth-eaten
fattening your hearts for the day of the reaping
vaults full of bills in god you trust
the irony as your gold and silver rust
money is the root of all evil
roots are the money of the peaceful
with thousands of people paid to punish our psyche
classical conditioning makes the zombies buy nikes
cheaper is better until the lead starts to maim
cheaper is better until we all buy the same
cheaper is better until there's no one to blame
cheaper is better until we all think the same
owe my soul to the factories in seoul
#DTWD
#2
Haven't seen you here in a while Anyway,

money is the root of all evil
roots are the money of the peaceful
with your riches rotted, your garments moth-eaten
fattening your hearts for the day of the reaping
vaults full of bills in god you trust
I like how it starts out. Pretty direct and I like that in songs.
Around the third line it gets deeper and cooler. It really keeps the reader keep reading.


the irony as your gold and silver rust
money is the root of all evil
roots are the money of the peaceful
with thousands of people paid to punish our psyche
Nice how you included the word irony in it. Adds on to the angry and powerfullness

classical conditioning makes the zombies buy nikes
cheaper is better until the lead starts to maim
cheaper is better until we all buy the same
cheaper is better until there's no one to blame
cheaper is better until we all think the same
owe my soul to the factories in seoul
No words can describe this. I love it. Usually this would seem repetitive but you've completley turned it around.

Overall: 8/10

Keep it up
#3
Not sure what it is, but something about this piece just didn't sit right with me. I'm guessing it's just personal taste, but it seems a bit unstructured (random variation of syllable length and rhyming don't go together for me) and therefore the flow is disrupted at various points. I don't like the first two lines and so I find their repitition unnecessary. In fact, I think they are maybe the worst part of the poem and their repetition cheapens it.

Also, the "cheaper is better" part just sounds bad to me, too repetitive and the endings of each line seem uncreative.

This whole post has been negative, sorry, so I'll throw in one of the positives I noticed: The very last line is fantastic and politically sly. I can't recall how to pronounce seoul but I'm assuming it's also a nice use of internal rhyming.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


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#4
money is the root of all evil
classic.
roots are the money of the peaceful
Your own twist as counterpoint. Nice

with your riches rotted, your garments moth-eaten
fattening your hearts for the day of the reaping
This line kind of muddles the thought. The previous line was the decaying of the riches, but with no separation, the first assumption is the riches are fattening the heart. But they're already rotted?
vaults full of bills in god you trust
the irony as your gold and silver rust
A difficult read for a scientist. gold doesn't tarnish, but silver does. You're talking metaphorically about the value, anyway.
money is the root of all evil
roots are the money of the peaceful
Repetition is good. Figure out how to get one more of these in here.
with thousands of people paid to punish our psyche
classical conditioning makes the zombies buy nikes
cheaper is better until the lead starts to maim
cheaper is better until we all buy the same
cheaper is better until there's no one to blame
cheaper is better until we all think the same
GAAA! Repetion is great, but four is once too much. Fuck the squareness.
Three is the magic number. Two isn't enough, four is too many.

owe my soul to the factories in seoul
Nice play to tie it all up in a bow!
Get over your e.e.cummings self and capitalize the S in Seoul.

Nice read, even as it stands.
Meadows
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#5
Yeah, this is a worthy attempt. Good job.

Make sure you keep everything in perspective, it kind of sounds like you don't really know what your talking about, and that this is all just based of a notion or idea that you have. Research the things your going to critique.
#6
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
GAAA! Repetion is great, but four is once too much. Fuck the squareness.
Three is the magic number. Two isn't enough, four is too many.


Ah! I almost agree except for the fact that the second and fourth lines are the same. It just adds to the emphasis I think, atleast in this case.

Primus, I liked how subtle the rhyming was although when I run over it again I see that the rhyme scheme is actually quite regular. I think it's just that the rhymes were slightly off. Favourite one was "evil" and "peaceful".

I liked how direct it was, you didn't dance around anything. I genuinely enjoyed reading this. in fact I'm only posting to inform you of the genius that the last line contains. flat. out. genius.