#1
This song is gonna be in the metalcore style. Pretty much everything except the intro is screamed.


Intro:

We've gone this far
And so I cry
I cross my heart
AND I HOPE YOU DIE

*Long instrumental section featuring duel guitars*

Verse 1:

I hate
The way
You ****ing look at me when I'm on the ground
It hurts
When you
Shove my face into
The dirt
You see
My emotions get the best of me
I fall
I die
Every time I see you cry

Chorus:

But now I've realized
The things I recognize
They never seem to satisfy
What's inside

Verse 2:

All of
The things
That I don't know and sometimes I think I should
This time
I'll try
To see everything just the way you would
Just tinged
In red
All of the things that I love are dead
Your hate
Your fear
Everything I hate is here

*Solo*

*Interlude*

Chorus

-End-


EDIT: C4C obviously, just link/tell me where it is in your post.
#2
stop reading other peoples lyrics when your writting, try going outside of the verse, chorus, verse style. try reading sylvia plath, e.e. cummings ect. im not tring to be a dick, i just cant think of a better way to put it.
#5
well it just seemed like you were putting those two specifically for a reason, like it appeared as though they came in the same thought, which I figured was interesting, so I was just wondering (it was a serious question) why you thought to mention Plath with Cummings and not say Whitman or Hughes...

sorry, didnt mean to offend, BTS

but, just for reference, I dont think that reading EE cummings will really help you with metalcore
#6
Quote by burn the stars
stop reading other peoples lyrics when your writting, try going outside of the verse, chorus, verse style. try reading sylvia plath, e.e. cummings ect. im not tring to be a dick, i just cant think of a better way to put it.



Thanks for the advice man. I'll try that with the next song I write. Does anybody have any advice specific to this song?
#7
Yeah you should bold the part where it says

Quote by Copius
*Solo*


That part is detrimental to the song, and I think you should clarify that with bold tags.

Without them, I ALMOST MISSED IT!


-Matt-
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#8
The words are great, but the structure is fairly weak. It's just Verse, Chorus, Verse, Chorus, like (burn the stars) said. Perhaps put parts of the duelling guitars section between Chorus and Verse.
#9
Quote by NFXtreme
The words are great, but the structure is fairly weak. It's just Verse, Chorus, Verse, Chorus, like (burn the stars) said. Perhaps put parts of the duelling guitars section between Chorus and Verse.


That sounds like a good idea. The guitarists and bassist in my band are coming over tomorrow, I'll work that out with them.
#10
I'm into metalcore, that seems like an excellent song. Looks good to me.
Your head slowly caves in from the compression