#1
I'm not sure if this is incomplete, or if it stands up, on it's own. Hack away!
EDIT:This is a poem, not a song. (I think)
Also, if anyone gives this a number rating I will smite you!

Mistaken Identity


…when I looked into your eyes.

I could see your past.
I saw the image of an older man.
He was strangely familiar.
His face was kindly.
He appeared to have wisdom,
but you hated him.
Years spent with him, had hurt you.

I resented him for the pain he had caused.
How could one appear so wise, yet be such a fool.
Could he not see your inner beauty?
No matter, he was part of your past.



After the years of heartache,
after the years of unfounded jealousy,
I finally understand: Time is not linear.
I now know the true, circular nature of time.

Today, I look into your eyes and
realize it was mistaken identity.

I see now, the image
of a much younger man.
He is naive and foolish.
His face is painfully familiar.
It is only now, that I am seeing the past,

as I remember all those years ago …
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Oct 5, 2007,
#2
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
I'm not sure if this is incomplete, or if it stands up, on it's own. Hack away!


Mistaken Identity


…when I looked into your eyes.

I could see your past.
I saw the image of an older man.
He was strangely familiar.
His face was kindly.
He appeared to have wisdom,
but you hated him.
Years spent with him, had hurt you.

I like this, it works well. The last line doesn't seem to fit though so i would recommend revising it

I resented him for the pain he had caused.
How could one appear so wise, yet be such a fool.
Could he not see your inner beauty?
No matter, he was part of your past.

Works well

After the years of heartache,
after the years of unfounded jealousy,
I finally understand: Time is not linear.
I now know the true, circular nature of time.

This is my favorite part, fits in well with the song

Today, I look into your eyes and
realize it was mistaken identity.

I see now, the image
of a much younger man.
He is naive and foolish.
His face is painfully familiar.
It is only now that I am seeing the past,

Again this verse flows nicely, but i think the last line weakens it, i think maybe taking the "that" out might fix the problem.

as I remember all those years ago …


A good solid song, hard to find any faults in it.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=684301
#3
I don't like love pieces to be honest with u but this one was nice and moving. Some girl will really buy this . On that note good job
#4
Quote by abhishek21
I don't like love pieces to be honest with u but this one was nice and moving. Some girl will really buy this . On that note good job

Dude, I think you just told me everything I needed to know. You're one of the better writers here and you didn't get what I was going for.

It's not a "love piece" If anything it's a tragedy. I failed badly on this one.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#5
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
Dude, I think you just told me everything I needed to know. You're one of the better writers here and you didn't get what I was going for.

It's not a "love piece" If anything it's a tragedy. I failed badly on this one.


Well love is a huge topic and I feel heart break , tragedy , regrets regarding opposite sex are part of it . That's why i called it a love piece and the whole phrase regarding some girl will really buy it . I still mean it .


You didn't failed
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at Oct 5, 2007,
#6
I completely agree with (bluephyre). It flows well, but take out/fix some of the flaws he ound. Overall, A good piece of writing.