#1
crit4crit
GHOSTOWN PHOTOGRAPHS

Ghostown photographs
Leave spectors speechless
And triggers laugh.
Roulettes c0ck pistils
And sail showboats
Through desert glass

I shotdown apparitions
For your careless embrace
But you chose to scar me
With a picture frame

You have to steal
To start giving
You have to die
For a living

Touring snapshot guns
Fire down upon
The neon sun.
Six-sided faces
Staredown an army
Of paper love.

I shotdown apparitions
For your careless embrace
But you chose to scar me
With a picture frame

You have to steal
To start giving
You have to die
For a living
Last edited by themarsvolta at Oct 8, 2007,
#2
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit
GHOSTOWN PHOTOGRAPHS

Ghostown photographs
Leave spectors speechless
And triggers laugh.
Roulettes c0ck pistils
And sail showboats
Through desert glass

If those is one of those songs that are EXTREMELY open to its meaning or aren't supposed to make much sense, then you're definately on the right track. If you're not doing that, then..... yeah... nothing really makes sense in it, lol.

I shotdown apparitions
For your loving embrace
But you chose to bludgeon me
With a picture frame

I like this part (the bridge, right?). A picture frame is an odd thing to bludgeon someone with, but if it's relating back to the photographs, then it makes more sense.

You have to steal
So you could start giving
You have to die
If you ever
Want to make a living

I like this alot, but I don't think you need a entire line of "If you ever." Maybe combine the last lines to say "If you want to make a living." That makes it flow better too.

Touring snapshot guns
Fire down upon
The neon sun.
Six-sided faces
Staredown an army
Of paper love.

Same crit as the first verse.

I shotdown apparitions
For your loving embrace
But you chose to bludgeon me
With a picture frame

You have to steal
So you could start giving
You have to die
If you ever
Want to make a living


Not a bad song, it really depends on the genre of it. If it's something like regular metal, it wouldn't work very well. If you're going for that scene approach, then it's great. Thanks for the crit on my song too.
Your head slowly caves in from the compression
Last edited by Scottzar at Oct 7, 2007,
#3
Damn it's hard to find anything wrong with this. Loved it. Imagined it sorta like Knights of Cydonia by Muse. I liked the way you kept referencing photographs (ghost-town photographs, picture frame, paper love), and the theme kept strong throughout.

The only criticism I've got is that the second half of the chorus:
"You have to steal
So you could start giving
You have to die
If you ever
Want to make a living"

Doesn't flow very well. The last two lines drag on. Change them somehow.

Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=684492
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#4
not bad, but what style music are you going for? just wondering whether you would sing or scream it...
#6
I shotdown apparitions
For your loving embrace
But you chose to bludgeon me
With a picture frame

I don't like 'loving embrace'.
Fickle embrace is less cliche and I think would go better with the next lines, because the embrace isn't very loving if she's beating you with a picture frame is it? No, it's more fickle.
Also I would question your use of bludgeon. A shorter word would serve the flow better and the purpous just as well. But bludgeon is just so fun. I don't know...your decision.

You have to steal
To start giving
You have to die
For a living

This is super.

Anyways. I thought it was pretty awesome. Maybe a bit ostentatious with the language...but otherwise awesome.
#7
First paragraph sucks horribly; the rest is pretty good. The chorus is not the best in flow but its alright.
#8
I liked this alot. I can see a mars volta influence on the writing. Love the verses, the stanzas not repeated.
It's gonna be a blue day
#9
Ghostown photographs
Leave spectors speechless
And triggers laugh.
Roulettes c0ck pistils
And sail showboats
Through desert glass

pretty good man, i like the flow a good amount,

I shotdown apparitions
For your careless embrace
But you chose to scar me
With a picture frame

dont really like this to much, dont like the flow at all,

You have to steal
To start giving
You have to die
For a living

i like it alot, very good.

Touring snapshot guns
Fire down upon
The neon sun.
Six-sided faces
Staredown an army
Of paper love.

i like it, good flow,

I shotdown apparitions
For your careless embrace
But you chose to scar me
With a picture frame

dont like this at all, not at all good for a chorus,

You have to steal
To start giving
You have to die
For a living

overall it was ok, repetitive i must say, there is seven verse and you use two of them twice, i dint really like that, but it wasnt an amazing song, it wasnt a crappy one either, Crit mine https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=688387
#10
for a rock song, i really thought this was pretty solid, and could see it being sung with absolute ease. not too wordy at all, which you you mentioned about my piece, and a comment I totally agreed with you on. As always, i love reading your stuff, and a new TMV album is coming in January right?
#11
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit
GHOSTOWN PHOTOGRAPHS

Ghostown photographs
Leave spectors speechless
And triggers laugh.
Roulettes c0ck pistils
And sail showboats
Through desert glass
Woah. Awesome wordage.

I shotdown apparitions
For your careless embrace
But you chose to scar me
With a picture frame
Scar can be cliched. that's all I got.

You have to steal
To start giving
You have to die
For a living

Touring snapshot guns
Fire down upon
The neon sun.
Six-sided faces
Staredown an army
Of paper love.
Paper love isn't as strong as anything else.

I shotdown apparitions
For your careless embrace
But you chose to scar me
With a picture frame

You have to steal
To start giving
You have to die
For a living
I do like this chorus.


Yeah. I can't crit your stuff. You write great songs, Joseph.