#1
im new at writing so any help would be nice ill return the favor

untitled (cant think of a name)


You did what you thought was right
Or at least that’s what you said
But I know that’s a load of crap
Because I know you
You were the person that I loved
Just as you said you loved me
The person that I wanted to spend my life with
But you let the curses and disapproval of others
Slowly rip away our relationship from the start
Now you don’t want me to exist in your life
So I wont
Even as I say those words they tear me apart
And I start to hate myself
Not because you left me alone
But because I fell for a coward
I don’t want to lose you
You bring happiness into my life
But at the same time you suck my life from within
To the point I can’t even look in the mirror
Because of what I have become
Last edited by lacrosse2407 at Oct 6, 2007,
#3
I think it's pretty good for your first piece. The flow is pretty good, and it doesn't accidentally rhyme anywhere. The meaning is also well explained. Only thing I can see to change it is to make it easier to say off the tongue, little bit tongue twisting at some parts. Read it out loud, I think you'll see what I mean.
Your head slowly caves in from the compression