#1
The dream of freedom
is the freedom to dream
Never get your due
Seem more than the scum
that they wipe from their shoes

The tragedy is
that you let it all happen
Apathy killed it,
You cowardice did it
the anthems and flags
They merely hid it



Choices are false and
you know that they're liars
The only thing left is to
wait for the pyres
Your purpose, to work.
your life, you cant choose
End it all now
you've got nothing to lose


You block out the pain
but the drugs dont work
Don't care, don't feel
Your outlook is bleak
with souless eyes, its all too real

The wars are still raging
over oil and water
All this death to attone for,
Whose sins are these?
Your leaders who led you
Like sheep to the slaughter



Choices are false and
you know that they're liars
The only thing left is to
wait for the pyres
Your purpose, to work
your life, you cant choose
End it all now
you've got nothing to lose


(Sorry for my earlier faux-pas)
#2
Ooh, nice. Nightmare, dreams, ah. Crit mine please. The Dream of Life. It's rather connected to your song in a way.
#3
Cheers, mate, posted on ur song with one point of crit, quite hard to know what style ur doin. For me, really unsubtle metal tbh.... \m/
#4
Quote by EvilWeevil
The dream of freedom
is the freedom to dream
Never get your due
Seem more than the scum
that they wipe from their shoes

The tragedy is
that you let it all happen
Apathy killed it,
You cowardice did it
the anthems and flags
They merely hid it



Choices are false and
you know that they're liars
The only thing left is to
wait for the pyres
Your purpose, to work.
your life, you cant choose
End it all now
you've got nothing to lose


You block out the pain
but the drugs dont work
Don't care, don't feel
Your outlook is bleak
with souless eyes, its all too real

The wars are still raging
over oil and water
All this death to attone for,
Whose sins are these?
Your leaders who led you
Like sheep to the slaughter



Choices are false and
you know that they're liars
The only thing left is to
wait for the pyres
Your purpose, to work
your life, you cant choose
End it all now
you've got nothing to lose


(Sorry for my earlier faux-pas)


Hmmm... There is a good clear message in this song, and you have used a wide range of vocabulary... can't see it as a poem, though I'm pretty certain it's intended as a song. i can see this fitting in with today's mainstream radio, though it's not really my style - it'd be interesting to hear with music. =] good work, however - another nice, sound song.
#5
nice, i especialy like the first bit "The dream of freedom, is the freedom to dream" i like that bit a lot, sort of phylosophical (cant spell)
#6
**** yeah it's sounds like it should be punk!! I like it alot keep it up!! please crit mine the ballad of Danny P
With an irresistible blend of reggae induced hip-hop and catchy pop-punk hooks, Half Chance Heroes captivates audiences with their unique sound and energetic stage show. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8bSU0u8uvM
#7
I like it...I kinda got the punk vibe out of it too...probly cuase all i listen to is punk, but it would work good.
#8
Quote by EvilWeevil
The dream of freedom
is the freedom to dream
Never get your due
Seem more than the scum
that they wipe from their shoes
Like the wordplay used here in the first two lines. However, and it might be me just reading it wrong due to no punctuation, but I don't really understand the last three lines.

The tragedy is
that you let it all happen
Apathy killed it,
You cowardice did it
the anthems and flags
They merely hid it
Love this. Great flow, good rhyming. Not sure if it was on purpose, but it was good. haha

Choices are false and
you know that they're liars
The only thing left is to
wait for the pyres
Your purpose, to work.
your life, you cant choose
End it all now
you've got nothing to lose
I don't really like "wait for the pyres". It seems kind of forced, in my opinion

You block out the pain
but the drugs dont work
Don't care, don't feel
Your outlook is bleak
with souless eyes, its all too real
Flip the first two lines, otherwise it doesn't make sense to me. ("The drugs don't work, / But you block out the pain.")

The wars are still raging
over oil and water
All this death to attone for,
Whose sins are these?
Your leaders who led you
Like sheep to the slaughter
This part, to me, seems really over done. I've heard all about the war for oil, us Americans being sheep to our sinful leader, etc etc. As a verse itself, its not bad, but its very very generic.

Choices are false and
you know that they're liars
The only thing left is to
wait for the pyres
Your purpose, to work
your life, you cant choose
End it all now
you've got nothing to lose


Crit mine, if you could? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=11142133
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#11
Quote by EvilWeevil

Choices are false and
you know that they're liars
The only thing left is to
wait for the pyres
Your purpose, to work.
your life, you cant choose
End it all now
you've got nothing to lose


the chorus is great. the first verse is a little shaky but the rest is good
When in doubt, sweep it out